DR MAX PEMBERTON: I cried every day for a year . . . it didn't help me! 

Dame Sheila Hancock has caused a stir by asking when it became fashionable to cry in public. The actress, 89, said that crying has now become a ‘badge of honour’. I tend to agree — I’m not sure all this gushing emotion is really in our best interests.

The occasional blub is fine, but the modern fashion for bursting into tears is rather bewildering. We pooh-pooh the buttoned-up these days for good reason, but let’s not forget that wallowing in self-pity never gets anything done, either.

I also feel this modern trend for tears is, in part, about showing other people how in touch with your emotions you are. It’s performative, rather than a true expression of distress.

As Dame Sheila said, it has all become a bit ‘hollow and meaningless’. She has a point.

Dame Sheila Hancock (pictured) has caused a stir by asking when it became fashionable to cry in public

I think about my Nan and the awful hardships and traumas she endured in life. Not only did I never hear her complain, I didn’t even know about half of it until after her death.

She didn’t ever speak about it, let alone cry. She knew she couldn’t change what had happened, but she could get on with living the rest of her life. And surely that’s the best way?

But while I wish people wouldn’t indulge their sadness, I do find crying fascinating. French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre wrote a book about emotion in which he suggested that crying is actually a response to something that we can’t — or don’t want to — articulate. We cry when we can’t find the words to express what we are actually feeling.

Sometimes welling up at a film or song allows people to connect with the parts of themselves that they keep hidden — all those disappointments, regrets and painful memories. When we are confronted with them, rather than articulate what we’re feeling, we cry.

Dr Max Pemberton (above): I also feel this modern trend for tears is, in part, about showing other people how in touch with your emotions you are.

Tears are a way of expressing these emotions without having to actually deal with them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. In many ways it’s perfectly healthy. Sometimes we just don’t have the time or energy to deal with all our inner demons.

But there does come a moment when it’s time to put away the hankie and force yourself to actually say what you’re feeling; to confront whatever it is that’s upsetting you.

I always knew I was gay, but the enormity of what it actually meant only struck me when I was 14. The thought horrified me. Every evening after school, before my parents came back from work, I would lock myself in the bathroom and quietly cry for exactly one hour.

One day, after doing this for nearly a year, I had a moment of clarity: crying hadn’t changed anything. The situation was exactly the same. As I could see it, there were two choices: I could kill myself or just accept I was gay and get on with my life.

I reasoned that suicide is a final decision, and so giving the other option a try made more sense.

I remember what a relief it was to have sorted out that problem by thinking it through rather than just crying about it. I stood up, went downstairs and never cried in the bathroom again. Something that had felt overwhelming and insurmountable suddenly felt less so.

The process of forcing myself to think carefully and logically about what was making me sad, and coming up with a solution, provided reassurance and comfort.

There were times when I would feel sad, but then I’d remind myself that I had thought this all through and come up with a plan.

In fact, I’ve never been one for crying since. I try to remember what Sartre said, and to consider what it is that is making me tearful. I make a concerted effort to think carefully about what’s really going on. What is it that’s being stirred up in me?

Sometimes just by understanding it and acknowledging it, that’s enough. It helps me understand myself a little better, too.

Other times, it means I’m able to see a problem or issue and, just as I did in the bathroom all those years ago, think carefully about it and try to come up with a solution.

I encourage my patients to do the same. They are always allowed to cry in my clinic, of course, but afterwards I ask them to try to articulate what it was they couldn’t say at the time. Often it’s very painful, but when you ask someone to actually spell out what’s upsetting them, the result can be startling.

The tears disappear and people seem more in control as they grapple with finding the words to describe their feelings.

It’s difficult, yes, but it’s the only way people are able to address deep-rooted problems.

It’s good to cry sometimes, but it’s even better to talk. That’s how problems get solved.

Oh Lily, how little you know!

Singer Lily Allen, daughter of Keith Allen, has hit back against critics of ‘nepo babies’ — children who succeed thanks to their parents’ money and connections. She said: ‘In childhood we crave stability and love, nurturing; we don’t care about money or proximity to power yet. Many of the nepo babies are starved of these basic things in childhood as their parents are probably narcissistic.’

I have worked with children of wealthy parents who feel they weren’t provided with enough emotional support. But it struck me how little Lily and other privileged offspring appear to know about the struggles of people who don’t have rich and connected parents.

I was giving revision tips earlier this year to one incredibly bright young lad who is aiming for Medicine at Oxbridge and I suggested he put up posters of the topics he was studying. He seemed uncomfortable until, eventually, he explained he lived in temporary accommodation and wasn’t allowed to put things on the wall. He shared a room with two brothers, didn’t have a desk and had to do his homework at the library. Puts Lily’s whinge into perspective, doesn’t it?

For many of us, the time between Christmas and New Year is when we write our ‘Thank You’ letters. Of course, this habit has fallen out of fashion and many people will send a text instead.

But whatever form it takes, gratitude is a vital habit. Countless studies have shown a robust association between gratitude and long-term mental well-being. Focusing on the positive boosts self-esteem and reduces anger, envy and regret. And expressing thanks helps you solidify old friendships and form new ones. So along with your presents, make a list of all the other things in life you’re grateful for, and say a quiet ‘Thank You’ for those, too.

There’ll be a lot of us who are regretting overindulging on Christmas Day. Women in particular are prone to feeling guilt for having eaten too much. But this attitude doesn’t help. Give yourself a break. Healthy living is about long-term, sustained changes so don’t beat yourself up if you’ve had more chocs than you should have. It’s fine to have one or two blow-out, guilt-free days every now and then.

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