What kind of perfectionist are you? Too many of us pursue the unattainable goal of flawlessness

The wellness industry has pathologised perfectionism, according to psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler. 

With a practice in New York plus a stint as a therapist for Google, she’s had many high-flying clients. Lots of them were perfectionists. Most of them believed they shouldn’t be.

In her new book, The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, she says perfectionism isn’t a bad thing, it just requires management. To do this, first you need to know what type of perfectionist you are, then how to recharge your batteries (something perfectionists are extremely bad at). 

After this you’ll be able to reframe your perfectionism as a strength…

The wellness industry has pathologised perfectionism, according to psychotherapist Katherine Morgan Schafler

Discover which of the Five Perfectionist Types You Are 

Read the statements below and tick the ones that apply to you. The category you score highest in is your ‘type’.

Classic 

★ I am the planner in my group/family/team.

★ I like to bring an itinerary on holiday to get the most out of my trip.

★ I love a strict routine.

★ I get the feeling that, sometimes, other people find me standoffish.

★ Of course I open all my mail immediately; who doesn’t? Spontaneity makes me feel anxious.

★ If I find out my flight is delayed, I stay calm and immediately explore backup flights and devise a plan B.

★ When the flight attendants offer me peanuts as a snack, I politely decline. Dinner is not for another two hours and 25 minutes.

Intense 

★ I’ve received feedback along the line of my being ‘intense’ or ‘intimidating’.

★ When feeling overwhelmed, I’m more likely to express anger than to cry.

★ People can find me difficult to connect with.

★ If others like me, that’s great, but I honestly don’t care if people like me or not.

★ I impose perfectionist standards on those around me.

★ Expressing my thoughts directly and succinctly comes naturally to me.

★ If I find out that my flight is delayed, someone will be hearing from me.

★ If the flight attendants give me peanuts by way of an apology for the flight’s delay, I’m offended. I don’t want a bag of conciliatory snacks; I want my flight to leave when it’s supposed to leave.

Parisian 

★ I’m haunted by a ‘Who do you think you are?’ voice when it comes to staking claim to my biggest goals and dreams.

★ It’s challenging for me to work with people who are highly transactional and focused on the product more than the process.

★ I like a mixture of routine and spontaneity

When I know someone doesn’t like me, it irks me.

★ People seem to find me easy to connect with.

★ I keep my deepest ambitions private; it’d feel embarrassing to broadcast them.

★ If I find out my flight is delayed, I might be annoyed on the inside, but I won’t show it. I’ll be the ‘perfect passenger’ by actively working to demonstrate understanding and a ‘no worries’ attitude to the crew.

★ If the flight attendants give me (and no one else) peanuts, I feel kind of special.

Messy 

In Katherine Morgan Schafler's new book, The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, she says perfectionism isn’t a bad thing, it just requires management

★ Routine bores me; I like to live spontaneously.

★ I love starting new projects.

★ Enthusiasm comes naturally to me.

★ I’m optimistic about most things in life.

★ I have a hard time committing to anything that I’m not passionate about.

★ I love sharing my ideas and goals early and often; the more people that know about them the better.

★ If my flight is delayed, I’m relieved. Between emails, catching up on my favourite show and the gift shop, I get distracted in the airport and have missed a flight more than once.

★ When the flight attendants give me peanuts, I’m so appreciative. I forget to eat lunch a lot, and these save me!

Procrastinator 

★ I know what I want to do; I’m just waiting for the right moment to execute.

★ I secretly feel as if I could do a better job than 95 per cent of the people who are doing what I’m interested in doing.

★ I often take a long time deciding what to eat at a restaurant because I want to make sure I order the best possible meal.

★ I have a habit of buying items that I’ve never used (cooking equipment, workout gear, etc).

★ I like to gather as much information as possible before I begin something.

★ I would never leave a job without having either a new job lined up or a clear and thorough plan for what’s next.

★ Beginnings bring on a lot of excess anxiety for me.

★ As much as I’d love to travel more, I haven’t booked a flight yet because things are really busy right now.

How Your Type Can Recharge 

Schafler says recharging is notoriously difficult for perfectionists. ‘Engaging in some harmless downtime… doesn’t feel harmless,’ she explains. For the perfectionist, therefore, relaxation doesn’t have to mean doing nothing. Here are some ideas for actively recharging your batteries.

Classic 

Pay meticulous attention to detail, like taking an hour to style a single shelf on a bookcase.

Intense 

Express aggression in healthy ways, such as playing sports or exercising.

Parisian 

Do something to make you feel connected, like making a care package or going for a walk with your thoughts.

Messy and Procrastinator 

Engage in pursuits that can be begun, continued and finished in one sitting, like cooking a meal, or the glorious trifecta that is writing a thank-you note, addressing the thank-you note, and putting the thank-you note in the post.

Now you’ve recharged you'll be able to see...

Classic 

★ It’s not that you need perfect order or organisation, it’s that you revere function and beauty.

★ Chaos is not the same as dysfunction – the latter is avoidable, whereas the former is not.

★ You still love planning, you still love organising, you still love making it beautiful – you do it because you want to, not because everything will fall apart if you don’t.

★ You accept that superficial perfection doesn’t erase dysfunction and that superficial perfection doesn’t exist.

Intense 

★ You don’t need the outcome to be perfect; you want to matter – to others, to the world and to yourself. You focus on being a human being as opposed to being a ‘value add’.

★ You matter now, and your life is now.

★ It’s OK to be supported. Your way is not the only way. You have compassion for the part of you that wants so badly to feel important, the part of you that doesn’t know you’re already important.

★ Nothing inoculates anyone from making mistakes. No matter how adaptive or healthy we become, we will all continue to make mistakes.

Parisian 

★ It’s not that you want to be perfectly liked by all people at all times; it’s that you have a live-wire understanding of the power of connection.

★ Needing validation from others is pathologised in the pop-psychology world. The truth is that human beings need to be seen, heard and understood by one another.

★ Anger and frustration are healthy, natural and informative.

★ It’s OK to direct your caring qualities towards people, places and projects that reciprocate the high-quality connection you’re offering.

Messy 

★ It’s not that you’re too disorganised to follow through or that you need the middle of the process to be perfect, it’s that you’re trying to avoid loss.

★ Every choice you make involves a loss. You cannot live in all the cities, you cannot marry all the people, you cannot accept all the offers or give life to all the ideas.

★ It’s possible to take an inventory of your values and decide what you want to commit to and what you don’t.

★ Because present loss triggers past loss, the work of pursuing your potential is more emotionally weighted than you may have initially assumed it to be.

Procrastinator 

★ It’s not that you want the start to be perfect; it’s that you want faith that you’re going to be OK even if you fail.

★ For you, loss is anticipatory: what if this thing I want doesn’t work out? Then who will I be? Then what will I have?

★ Your vision isn’t failing just because it doesn’t look the way you expected it to look. The vision changes because it’s growing – and it’s growing

because you gave it life.

★ Being ready and being in control are two different things. Taking intentional action and then allowing space for whatever happens next to unfold is metamorphic

This is an edited extract from The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler, which will be published by Orion Spring on 19 January 2023, £16.99*. It will also be available as an ebook and audiobook