The five personality traits that prove you've really found 'The One', by Tinder dating expert Paul Brunson: Take our quiz to see if YOUR love will stand the test of time

There is an early episode of The Kardashians in which Kim reads out a long list of things she is looking for in her perfect man: he should be taller than her, love working out, be motivated and independent, and have a scent she loves, ‘even in the gym’.

We all have ideas about how our perfect partner would look or behave, but while shopping lists like Kim’s might be fine in terms of initial physical attraction, for the most part they have nothing to do with the basis of a happy, settled relationship.

I’ve spent most of my adult life studying relationships. I’m one of the world’s best-known matchmakers and couples’ counsellors, an expert on the popular dating shows Celebs Go Dating and Married At First Sight UK.

I’m also Tinder’s Global Relationship Insights Expert, which gives me access to more data on how we choose partners than any academic study in the world.

I’m not only a professional at matchmaking, I’m also happily married. Jill, my wife, is my best friend.

Romantic love has three components - friendship, intimacy and commitment

My research tells me there are five personality traits you need in a partner. These ‘Five Fundamentals’ are:

1. Emotional fitness

2. Courageous vision

3. Resilient resourcefulness

4. Open-minded understanding

5. Compassionate support

Relationship dynamics — shared values and so on — illustrate the way you interact as a couple, but the five fundamentals are the essential characteristics you need in a partner.

For long-lasting happiness you need someone who scores highly or is improving in all five fundamental areas. Your partner doesn’t have to be perfect — but they do have to be at a level that is already acceptable to you.

Being emotionally fit is made up of a number of aspects, the first of which is emotional availability. Can the person you are with talk about their fears and express their desires? And do they possess emotional stability — essentially, not being neurotic and moody? Finally, you have emotional intelligence, how you manage your own, and other people’s, emotions.

Courageous vision is a willingness to face your fears.

Resilient resourcefulness shows the ability to bounce back from an emotional hit.

Open-minded understanding is about engaging with the wider world. It involves listening, which is linked to high rates of marital satisfaction.

And last but not least is compassionate support.

The combination of these qualities provides us with the tools we need to have a healthy relationship.

Being deficient in one of these five core criteria is a reason to discount a potential partner — you need to see all five to a minimally acceptable level.

Interestingly, a study has shown that the divorce rate is lower for people who had an approximately two-year engagement. That’s because, unfortunately, there is a good chance you will face a major life challenge, within a roughly two-year timeframe.

Paul Brunson is one of the world’s best-known matchmakers and couples’ counsellors, and an expert on the popular dating shows Celebs Go Dating and Married At First Sight UK

Paul says: 'I think most of us have good intuition when it comes to trust. If you doubt you can trust someone, it’s probably for a good reason'

When Jill and I were dating, I lost my grandfather, and that was truly the moment I knew I had to marry this woman. She dropped everything, drove me almost eight hours to the funeral and stayed with me throughout. You have to see a person in action, and that usually takes time.

How your partner scores on the five fundamentals — and whether your relationship has the power to last — is something you can test. I have co-created the Long-term Relationship Satisfaction Scale (LRSS), which can measure your state of happiness with your partner. Keep reading, then take the test . . .

Romantic love has three components. The first is friendship — you need to be with someone you can confide in. You like their company and want to spend time with them.

The next component is intimacy. This could include physical intimacy, although it doesn’t have to. I’m talking primarily about emotional intimacy — someone with whom you can be completely vulnerable.

And last but not least, you have commitment, which is simply knowing that the person who stands arm and arm with you today is the same person who’s going to stand arm and arm with you tomorrow.

So, if you have friendship, intimacy and commitment, you have romantic love — and the foundation for a long-lasting relationship.

A simple way to ensure you are making rational decisions about your love life is to involve your friends and family. It’s difficult to secure an unbiased point of view, but these people have your best interests at heart, so at least they’re biased in your favour.

Jealousy, coerciveness and cruelty are warning signs. If you’re with someone who demonstrates these, watch out — you are at risk of emotional, physical and psychological abuse.

I think most of us have good intuition when it comes to trust. If you doubt you can trust someone, it’s probably for a good reason.

Lastly, do you feel energised or drained when you’re with your partner? This is important. If you think, ‘I love being with my partner, but, gosh, he drains me,’ that’s a problem.

There’s always going to be a leap of faith. When you commit to someone you’re taking your heart and handing it over saying, ‘Please don’t crush it.’

Ultimately, you have little control over someone’s ability to hurt you, and that is scary — but getting to the point that you want to spend the rest of your life with someone is also the best thing in the world.

Take our quiz to see if your love will stand the test of time 

Use the scale below to indicate how well each statement aligns with your observations of a partner’s, or potential partner’s, behaviours and views:

1. Not at all

2. Somewhat

3. Moderately

4. Very much

5. Completely

If you’ve not gone through the relevant experience with your partner, put zero.

The first five sections look at your relationship dynamics.

The first category is about you. Think about yourself in the relationship.

1. Infatuation

• I am able to focus on work or personal interests without being overly distracted by thoughts of my partner.

• My happiness does not solely depend on my partner.

• I understand that my partner cannot be perfect in every way.

• I am comfortable spending time alone.

• I am able to maintain my own hobbies, interests and friends outside of the relationship.

For the next two sets of statements, think about you and your partner as a couple.

2. Shared values

• We are respectful of the way we communicate with one another.

• We understand what success means for both of us.

• We have a good awareness of each other’s dreams and their aspirations.

• We respect each other’s views on religion/spirituality and how this influences our lives.

• We both have similar outlooks on work–life balance and spending time with family.

3. Relationship goals

• We are aligned on whether we want to be in a long-term relationship.

• We both agree on what our ideal future looks like as a couple.

• We are aligned on whether the relationship is monogamous or not.

• We are aligned on our views about having and raising children.

• We both openly discuss our finances in order to support our life together.

For the remainder of the statements, think about your partner.

4. Genuine Interest

• My partner makes a genuine effort to understand my beliefs.

• They are willing to compromise where our opinions differ.

• They are able to open up and share how they feel about the relationship.

• They are respectful of my boundaries and decisions.

• They show a genuine interest in my passions and future plans.

5. Aligned sexual boundaries

• They demonstrate respect during our intimate moments.

• They frequently check in with me to ensure I’m comfortable during intimate interactions.

• They put effort into maintaining the spark in our sexual relationship.

• They consistently honour the boundaries we’ve established.

• They approach discussions about our intimate experiences and histories with understanding and without judgment.

The second five categories look at character traits. Think about your partner when you consider the statements.

6. Emotional fitness

• They are comfortable opening up about the things that are difficult in their life.

• They provide me with emotional support when I am going through a difficult time.

• They trust me when I am away from them.

• They can admit when they are wrong and say sorry during an argument.

• They do not take their frustrations out on me and instead talk about how they feel.

7. Resilient resourcefulness

• They are able to bounce back from setbacks, challenges and failures quickly.

• They practise daily self- care habits.

• They maintain a positive and realistic perspective during difficult times.

• They encourage me to have a social circle outside of the relationship.

• They focus on solutions, rather than dwelling only on the problem.

8. Compassionate support

• When things get tough for me, they are able to prioritise me and what I need.

• They create a safe and accepting environment for me to be my true self.

• They treat me with respect and kindness, even during disagreements.

• They do thoughtful things for me without being asked.

• They make time to give me their undivided attention.

9. Courageous vision

• They are willing to step out of their comfort zone when trying new things with me.

• They can hear difficult personal feedback about themselves and act upon it.

• They are a doer, taking action instead of being just a dreamer.

• When I think I can’t do something, they encourage me to be brave.

• They bring fresh perspective and insights to our plans for the future.

10. Open-minded understanding

• They are open to new ideas.

• They enjoy learning and discovering new things about me.

• They take the time to understand a situation before making a snap decision.

• They want to share new experiences with me.

• They refrain from making negative comments about choices or lifestyles that are different from their own.

Scoring

Add up your total score for each of the ten categories and add this in the space below. There are two sections to complete.

Add up the totals from both sections and review your combined score out of 250.

Combined score:

This questionnaire provides an assessment based on your responses, and individual circumstances may vary. It is essential to use these results as a starting point for communication with your partner, aiming to foster understanding, growth and a healthy relationship.

190 or above

Your score indicates a high likelihood of a fulfilling long-term relationship. You and your partner demonstrate strong compatibility, positive dynamics and the essential qualities needed for a lasting bond.

151–189

Your score indicates an average likelihood of a fulfilling long-term relationship. There are areas that could benefit from further attention and growth, but with effort and communication, you have the potential to strengthen your connection.

150 or below

Your score suggests a lower likelihood of a long-term relationship. It may be important to address the areas that need improvement and consider whether your compatibility aligns with your long-term goals.

Breakdown of categories

For all categories, a high score refers to a score of 19 and above, and a low score to 15 and below.

Relationship dynamics

1. Infatuation

Low scores can indicate you look at the relationship with rose-tinted glasses. If this is the case, take some time to consider what your relationship is actually like.

2. Shared values

A high score indicates a strong alignment and understanding of fundamental beliefs, guiding principles and goals. If you score highly in this category, you are likely to experience long-lasting harmony in your relationship.

3. Relationship goals

A high score demonstrates a profound alignment on crucial aspects of your partnership. You share a mutual desire for commitment, openly discuss building a life together and have a unified vision on monogamy and parenthood. Additionally, you value shared financial planning and responsibilities. This strong foundation of shared values fosters trust, unity and commitment.

4. Genuine interest

High scores indicate your significant other is interested in getting to know the real you. They respect your boundaries and are able to clearly communicate.

5. Aligned sexual boundaries

High scores in this area highlight a relationship built on mutual respect, understanding and communication within intimate moments.

Character traits

6. Emotional fitness

A high score indicates a partner who feels comfortable sharing their feelings with you in an open and honest way, expresses their true emotions, provides emotional support when needed, engages in emotional conversations, validates your emotions and resolves conflicts in a respectful manner.

7. Resilience

A high score indicates your significant other navigates and overcomes challenges resiliently, provides support and encouragement during difficult times, communicates their frustrations without taking it out on you, reaches out for help when facing difficulties, practises self-care and maintains well-being habits, demonstrates willingness to learn and grow from challenges, and avoids holding on to negativity.

8. Compassionate support

A high score indicates your significant other prioritises your needs, especially in tough times. They foster an environment where you can genuinely be yourself, ensuring respect and kindness underscore all interactions.

9. Courageous vision

A high score indicates your significant other embraces challenges, readily stepping beyond their comfort zones, especially with you. They value feedback and are proactive in acting on it. When doubt creeps in, they’re your pillar of encouragement, and they stand by their decisions.

10. Open-minded understanding

A high score indicates your partner is open-minded, curious about diverse cultures and ideas, and keen to learn more about you. They’re self-aware, they enjoy sharing new experiences and they ask meaningful questions.

Find Love by Paul Brunson (Ebury publishing, £16.99). © Paul Brunson 2024. To order a copy for £15.29 (offer valid to 17/02/24; UK P&P free on orders over £25), go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.