DEAR JANE: My maid of honor RUINED my wedding day with her horrifying speech - now my husband wants me to cut her out of my life forever

Dear Jane,

One of my closest friends has completely upended our relationship by giving a mortifying maid of honor speech at my wedding – and now my husband is demanding that I cut her out of my life completely.

I’ve known my maid of honor since we were kids and even though we’re total opposites, we’ve also been really close. So when it came to choosing a maid of honor, she was my first choice – despite my husband voicing some concern over her drunken antics.

But I trusted her implicitly and made clear to her that when it came to the wedding and the speech, it was important to me that everything be kept as tame as possible so as to avoid any embarrassment in front of my family and my new in-laws.

She promised that she’d keep things ‘PG’ ahead of the day and reassured me that she was going to ‘lean into the emotion rather than the humor’ for her speech.

On the day itself however, she ended up getting pretty tipsy before I’d even made it down the aisle – and I was forced to get one of my other bridesmaids to look after her while I took photos with my husband after the ceremony. 

From there, things went from bad to worse, and by the time she stood up to give her speech, it was clear to everyone that she was in no fit state to be addressing a room full of people.

She then proceeded to recap all of my most mortifying sexual encounters, telling my family, friends, and in-laws about some of my most awkward dating moments, including the time I lost my virginity, and a date that ended in disaster when I threw up after eating some bad shrimp.

I was close to tears by the time my husband stood up and prized the microphone out of her hands. I asked one of my friends to take care of her for the rest of the evening and did my best to steer clear of her until after the weekend had wrapped up.

Since the wedding, we’ve had a chance to chat – and while I don’t think I’m anywhere near to forgiving her, I do know that her speech didn’t come from a place of malice and that, in her drunken state, she really did think she was being funny. I believe that one day I will be able to move past this and get our friendship back on track.

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However, this whole incident has left my husband so furious that he’s told me he no longer feels comfortable spending time with her, and would prefer for me to cut her out of our lives once and for all. He said that he doesn’t want me to be around someone who clearly doesn’t care for me or have consideration for my feelings, and that he can’t stand the idea of ever speaking to her again.

I feel really torn here – I know exactly why he feels the way that he does, but I don’t want to end a 20-year friendship over one incident, no matter how hurtful it was.

Is there any way I can repair the relationship between them?

From,

Bridal Shame

Dear Bridal Shame,

Despite your own mortification at the speech your best friend gave, you have taken a mature approach, knowing that it may take some time to forgive her and get back on track, while understanding that her behavior had no malice in it, and in fact her intentions, even while drunk, were intended to be humorous rather than embarrassing.

We are human, and fallible. Even when we love deeply, even when we go in with good intentions, all of us mess up at times. 

We rely on those who love us to understand the difference between bad behavior with good intentions, and bad behavior with nefarious intentions. You have done this, while protecting yourself, and I applaud your emotional maturity and generosity.

You have had a long friendship with this woman, and it’s your decision as to how you handle it. Your husband may think he is protecting you by removing people from your life that he thinks are toxic, but it’s not his decision to make, and no-one has a right to demand that you do anything.

It’s uncomfortable when people we love make choices that we believe are bad for them. 

We can tell them the reasons why we don’t approve of a friendship or a partner, but after that, we need to step out and allow other people to make their own choices.

Your husband is trying to protect you, but you are an adult, and you get to make your own decisions. Your friendship can be kept separate from your marriage, at least, perhaps, until your husband can see that it is enduring, and good for you.

Dear Jane,

I'm a 24 year old lesbian and I think I've somehow fallen in love with my friend, who is a 32 year old guy.

I came out at 14 and have always dated girls. Never in my life had I been attracted to a man, until this friend came into the picture.

We met five years ago through one of my college friends, who now works with him, and we immediately became close. 

None of his girlfriends have ever had a problem with how close we are because they knew I was a lesbian, and I think that has helped our relationship to grow even stronger. We’ve never had to deal with the awkwardness of girlfriend v. best friend jealousy which has been great.

But after years of growing closer to him, I’ve started to realize that I actually do like him as more than just a friend. ‘Masculine’ stuff used to gross me out, but with him, it’s completely different.

I actually find myself fantasizing about him – even though all other men turn me off completely.

We've both been single for the past few months and have been hanging out a lot. When we go out, people always assume we're a couple because of how we act together – but he's never taken it beyond being affectionate. He always keeps things platonic, but still makes me feel really special.

Recently my extended family threw a big party, so I invited him to come along as my plus one. It was their first time meeting him and they loved him. I introduced him as my best friend, but we were probably a little too touchy at the party because my mom was giving us some knowing looks...

I’ve realized now that I need to have conversation with him about how I’m feeling but I have no idea how to go about it. 

He still sees me as a lesbian and I’m terrified that he’s going to be totally shocked if I tell him how I really feel. I don’t want to mess up our friendship, but these feelings just aren’t going away.

Any advice is welcome!

From,

Completely Confused

Dear Completely Confused,

The Kinsey scale test was created to measure sexual orientation, because in 1948 the sex researcher Alfred Kinsey understood that sexuality is a spectrum, and people can be anywhere on that spectrum; the test was designed to help individuals know where they fell.

I say this because although you have identified as a lesbian for ten years, sexuality is nuanced, and complicated, and depending on where you are on the spectrum, can change. As you are discovering.

I will also say, as I often do, that it matters not who you love, but that you love, and how wonderful to feel such closeness and companionship.

I have no idea whether he feels the same way, but I suggest you find out, gently, so as not to damage the friendship if he does not share those feelings. 

Rather than coming out (no pun intended) with a heavy, emotional confession, perhaps show curiosity, and levity. 

Has he ever fallen for a friend? Does he think sexuality can be more fluid? What would he suggest if you had fallen for a male friend? 

Be playful, and light. You can tell him you’ve wondered about the two of you, and see how he reacts. Keeping it playful and light is less likely to change the friendship if he does not share your feelings.

Either way, I applaud your courage, and wish you much luck!