Does a happy wife really make for a happy life? TRACEY COX reveals the origins of 5 myths about sex and relationships - and the truth behind them

Time is a funny thing. Looking back, most of us marvel that we ever believed in what we did, armed with the knowledge and hindsight we have today.

It starts with Santa Claus and goes from there. Turns out masturbation doesn’t make you go blind. ‘True love’ doesn’t last forever. One day your Prince might come but you also might die before it happens.

It’s the same with what the experts tell us. One week cheese is good for you, the next it’s evil. Taking the Pill is bad for your health, taking the Pill can protect you against certain cancers.

Love and sex experts are not immune to having promoted a few myths of our own.

Here are five that really should be put to bed – and left there.

TRACEY COX reveals the five things love experts swore by but now know are wrong (stock image)

1. EVERYONE HAS A ‘LOVE LANGUAGE’

The concept that we all have a ‘love language’ was dreamt up by a Baptist minister who provided marital counselling to his church.

Gary Chapman wrote a book based on his experiences in 1992. He claimed each of us has one of five primary ways of showing love: through words, quality time together, giving or receiving gifts, doing acts of service or physical touch.

His theory was that problems arise in relationships when partners speak different languages and express love in ways their partner doesn’t understand. If you want ‘I love you’ whispered into your ear but your partner washes your car to show love, you were in trouble.

Three decades later, we’re still lapping it up.

Online dating sites encourage taking the test, TikTok has love language videos clocking up billions of views. People love putting themselves in boxes and having quick, pop psychology fixes.

Except the theory doesn’t hold up.

Recent research found Chapman’s work was based on a very religious traditional sample of monogamous, heterosexual couples – and it’s all anecdotal. In other words, not one iota of science behind it.

The claim that each of us have one primary love language wasn’t supported: in fact, most of us rate ALL of them highly.

What it did get right: There are indeed many ways to express love to a partner. But rather than using just one, most of us are right in choosing from a combination of all five love languages.

2. HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE

There are plenty who still espouse this one: if the woman is happy in a relationship it leads to an overall happier life for everyone involved (husband and kids).

This theory emerged during the 1970s when research on couples was first being done. Looking at couple communication, researchers observed that women’s behaviour was more indicative of the health of the relationship than men’s. The logical conclusion was that she would also be the better barometer of the relationship.

A recent University of Alberta study – the first to actively test the concept – instead found men’s satisfaction levels in romantic relationships were as significant as those of female partners in predicting their future happiness together.

Keeping a relationship healthy takes work – and the burden doesn’t just rest on women.

The analysis of more than 50,000 relationship satisfaction reports from different countries of mixed-gender couples blew the ‘happy wife, happy life’ belief out the window.

What it did get right: The expectation that women are the better at relationships and the relationship ‘managers’ lets men off the hook in many ways. On the flip side, this study proves men have just as much power to change things in their relationship as women do. A win-win for both, I’d say.

3. WE ALL HAVE A SOULMATE

I have always believed the idea of a soulmate – that there is only one person out there who can make us happy – to be not only outright bonkers but outrageously harmful.

What if your soulmate lives the opposite side of the world? What if they die early and you never get to meet them? What if they don’t believe in waiting for ‘the one’ and do the (sensible) thing and marry someone they like and rub along with quite nicely, thanks very much?

Now there’s hard evidence to back me up, thanks to Utah researchers. Their study illustrates that thinking a successful relationship is out of our control and instead reliant on destiny is indeed damaging.

Researchers studied more than1,200 people across the US and Canada and found a good marriage is made not found. Couples who knew their relationship success was based on choice and proactively working together on keeping their relationship healthy, enjoyed happier, more enduring romances than those who believed simply finding ‘the one’ was the key to happiness.

It's a ‘deeply flawed’ relationship model to think simply choosing a certain person is all you need for long term happiness, say the researchers. Developing good communication skills, being able to argue fair, respecting each other’s family and friends, forging firm friendship as well as nurturing romance – these are just a few of the qualities that make love last.

All these skills can be learned.

In this week's column, UK sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) busts five relationship myths, from everyone having a 'love language' to the idea that we all have a soulmate

4. FEMINISTS ARE ANGRY WOMEN WHO CAN’T GET LAID

What those women’s lib lot need is a man to satisfy them, the stereotype says, then they’d stop with all that nonsense.

Well, far from feminists being sexually unsatisfied, turns out they have sex just as often as non-feminist women – and better sex at that!

A 2024 study of 2303 adults by a Canadian Sociology professor reported that women who identified as feminist aren’t sad and lonely but enjoying more loving, enjoyable and pleasurable sex than non-feminists.

They were also more likely to report receiving oral sex that focused on clitoral stimulation (38 per cent compared to 30 percent for non-feminist women).

Researchers suggest this is because feminists see feminism as a source of self-actualisation and empowerment, so are more likely to know what they want in bed and more likely to ask for it.

They were also more likely to masturbate than non-feminists, meaning they know their body better.

5. YOU SHOULD NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY

It’s still a bit horses for courses on this one.

The theory goes that if you go to bed angry, it allows it to intensify. You’ll dwell on the argument and turn it into a much bigger issue than it is.

This is especially true if you’re the glass half empty type: this personality tends to catastrophise and lying awake, thinking about what happened, can send you down a dark hole.

A 2016 study found sleeping on an issue changes the way your brain organises it in your memory, making it harder to reverse negative associations. Research also shows people report higher levels of sleep disruption the morning after conflict.

Going to sleep and staying asleep is harder if adrenaline is coursing through your veins. Being sleep-deprived makes it even harder to regulate emotions the next day.

There’s still a lot to support the original premise...but there are exceptions to this rule.

If either of you weren’t sober when you argued, going to sleep and letting the effects of alcohol or drugs wear off is a very good idea. Both make us irrational and lose judgement. 

Couples who rush for a quick fix just so they can go to sleep don’t fare well either: it can mean problems go unsolved and fester.

If you are the type of person who can get a good night’s sleep even if you’ve had a row, you’ll probably find anger disappears overnight. These people wake up rested, have had time to think, so are less likely to say something nasty on impulse that could damage the relationship permanently.

What it did get right: If you’re the anxious type and can’t let things go, it’s probably worth staying up discussing things until the wee hours, in hopes of finding a resolution. If you can, getting a good night’s sleep is nearly always the better idea.

Need help with your relationship? Listen to SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, Tracey’s weekly podcast. Her latest book, ‘Great Sex Starts at 50’, is available from all book sellers.