DEAR JANE: I cannot stand my boyfriend's children - how do I tell him I don't want them in our home?

Dear Jane,

My boyfriend is the father of two young kids from a previous relationship – and I cannot stand being around them.

Before you think I’m totally heartless, let me explain. I’m not someone who has ever wanted to be a mother, but I actually quite like being around other people’s kids and I’ve loved seeing some of my closest friends become parents in the past few years.

When I met my boyfriend, who I’ve been with for three years, I was more than happy to embrace his kids with open arms, as it were. 

We took it slowly to begin with, because his son and daughter were still very young when we started dating, and neither of us wanted to rush them into meeting me until we were sure that our relationship was going to last.

After about a year, we decided that the time was right – and my first meeting with them was amazing. They were such wonderful little humans and I was completely smitten. But over the following months, I noticed that they’d become increasingly rude and sullen any time they were around me, and nothing I did seemed to change their behavior. 

Dear Jane, my boyfriend's children have become a nightmare - and it's reached the point where I don't want them in my home. How do I tell him? 

My boyfriend kept telling me to be patient, but two years later, things still haven’t changed, and I have a horrible feeling that it’s down to his ex poisoning them against me.

My boyfriend and his former partner do not have the best relationship and she’s made no secret whatsoever of the fact that she thinks I’ve stolen him away from his family, a sentiment that their kids now seem to be determined to repeat at every available opportunity.

And I’m exhausted by it.

I’m sick and tired of feeling like the bad guy every time I see them. I don’t ever want to deny my partner the chance to be around his kids, and I don’t want to ruin his relationship with them, but it is becoming so difficult for me to even be in the same room with the two of them without constantly feeling like I’m going to cry.

I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about it, but since he split from his ex, he’s basically been walking on eggshells around the kids, and I think he’s terrified to say or do anything that might turn them against him.

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I think the best thing for everyone involved is for me to take some time away from them while my boyfriend gets back to a place where he feels like he can actually address their behavior, but I have no idea how I would even start to have that conversation with him.

Any ideas?

From,

Wicked Stepmother

Dear Wicked Stepmother,

My heart is breaking for you, because I know exactly how this feels and what you are going through. No child wants a stepmother, and it is brutally hard being a stepparent. 

And, I feel for your husband. He is caught in the middle, feeling as if he is torn between his children, and you. There is no winning, and no easy solution to this one.

Added to that, so many separated parents carry tremendous guilt, so instead of setting boundaries with their children, they indulge them, which can give the children an outsized amount of power. 

This can often lead to everyone feeling as if they are walking on eggshells around these poor, fragile kids.

Know this, Wicked Stepmother: If you choose to stay, this is not an easy path. Your job is not to parent these kids, nor to expect your boyfriend to change his behavior with them – that will only lead to more unhappiness. 

You can certainly encourage him to read books, or – best of all – see a therapist to work out these issues, but you cannot expect that this will lead to change.

What you can do is support him, and learn how to support yourself in the face of their bad behavior. You can’t ask him to intervene, but you can, and should, set your own boundaries. 

Know that rudeness and sullen behavior is nothing to do with you, but an outward expression of the pain these children are in. 

You can be compassionate, and, if they are rude to you, you can say calmly and kindly that while you are sorry for the pain they are in, and however you have contributed to that pain, you cannot talk to them about it when they are behaving like this. When they have calmed down, you are happy to talk to them. Then remove yourself.

It is so easy to enmesh ourselves with others. Any behavior you perceive as bad is an outward expression of their pain, and has nothing to do with you. 

Learn how to protect yourself, rather than expecting your boyfriend – who is truly caught between a rock and a hard place – to do the work for you.

Buy the book Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, and know that you are not alone. Find a support group for stepmothers online. It’s a hard path, worth it for some, not worth it for others. I send you my love, and strength.