Steven Bartlett speaks to psychologist who reveals the three tell-tale signs you're dating a narcissist

A psychologist has revealed the three tell-tale signs which suggest you could be in a  narcissistic relationship. 

Appearing on Dragons' Den star Steven Bartlett's The Diary of a CEO podcast, Dr Ramani Durvasula, who is a professor of psychology at California State University, revealed the three Rs which she claimed are the hallmark characteristics of people who are in a narcissistic relationships.  

Dr Durvasula, who is the author of Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist, said they are 'rumination, regret and recall'.

She said: 'The first one is rumination, which is an obsessive thinking about the relationship initially in an attempt to try and fix it. Trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. 

'The next is regret, that regret leads to bigger themes like grief. The regret that: "This is the marriage I created and my child will never get a healthy model of marriage, the regret that: "I have spent 20 years in this relationship and all I have to show for it is a whole lot of nothing and it's harm to me".'

She continued: 'The last R, is recall, really euphoric recall, which means people in narcissistic relationships have an uncanny ability to cherry pick the good things that happen in the relationship to keep justifying it to themselves.

'They might be in a narcissistic relationship were the person has treated them shamelessly for months. But on one day of that month when the narcissist person went to the grocery store and for the first time remembered to bring back two muffins so you could have a muffin, the person would be like, ""Wasn't that the best? We had muffins together".

'The euphoric recall is the over focus on those good experiences as a way of maintaining the confirmation bias.'

She added: 'People in narcissistic relationship are not saying "I need to get out", they are saying: "I am so confused, I am not enough, nothing I do is ever enough, maybe there is something wrong with me".'   

The psychologist explained that it's only in the past 10 years that people dating narcissists have been able to get information online which created the revolution of people questioning their relationship dynamics. 

She added: 'The earlier you identify it, the less trauma bonded you will become which makes it easier for you to make clear-headed decisions about how you want to proceed. 

'People in these relationships are confused, they blame themselves for everything that goes wrong, they are walking on eggshells. 

Dragon's Den star Steven Bartlett 's pictured appearing on The Diary of a CEO podcast with Dr Ramani Durvasula, a professor of psychology at California State University

'They have in essence modified themselves to be exactly what the narcissistic partner wants, but it's a very slow process of indoctrination, we say these relationships are death by a thousand cuts.

'It's almost like some day they wake up and are like ''what have I become, I am literally living in service of this other person''.

She also suggested that the narcissist creates that insecurity as a tactic to use to control the relationship.

She added: 'Part of the reason narcissistic people are so successful is because they are socially perceptive. Which is being able to read the room, understanding what people need, what makes them tick and then strategically giving it to them to keep them on a chain.'

Next, Dr. Ramani suggested that all domestic abusers are narcissistic because they have no empathy.

She explained: 'Having the capacity to tell someone 'I love you' and then to emotionally physically or sexually assault them, zero empathy, it's tremendous entitlement and incredible arrogance, that's narcissism.

'There is a lack of self awareness, there is a lack of awareness of the other and I think this is why so much of the domestic violence intervention programmes don't work because how are going to undo someone's narcissism. 

Dr Ramani Durvasula revealed the three tell-tale signs to watch out for which point to a narcissistic relationship

'Does the narcissism excuse the behaviour? Never. If the behaviour is unacceptable, it is unacceptable, I don't care about the backstory, because it means it's going to happen again and it always does.' 

The psychologist noted that while people can never be happy within a narcissistic relationship, those that stay in one need to 'accept' things won't ever change. 

She explained: 'If you are going to stay in a relationship like this, it is going to be harder because you are still being exposed to their manipulation behaviour, however the key step is radical acceptance, it's not going to change.'

Dr Durvasula said the only weak point for a narcissistic person is if others stopped engaging with them or if someone else was much 'more powerful than them'.

She explained: 'Not engaging with a narcissistic person is the ultimate kryptonite and not oohing and ahhing over them because they are used to that.'

Lastly, the psychologist explained that people can recover and 'heal' from narcissistic relationships and 'come back into themselves again'.