What WAS in Sleepy Joe's peppy punch? KENNEDY's hysterical review of President Brittle Bone's suspiciously vigorous SOTU... the shocking gaffe that made Kamala's blood vessels pop... and a hot mic debacle that proves Biden REALLY isn't all there

I don't know what the White House medicine man had put in the IV, or if old Joe dabbled in Hunter's disco dust, but if PepsiCo can bottle whatever juiced up President Brittle Bones for 67 minutes last night – they've got a billion-dollar product. 

Shuffling into the House of Representatives with a 1,000-watt smile, smooching and sniffing every 75-year-old lady lawmaker he could get his paws on, Biden was on fire for his third State of the Union Address.

Full of 'Get Off My Lawn' energy – like Popeye if he swapped out spinach for uppers – Joe was greeted with a hero's welcome by fangirling Democrats.

'Four more years,' they chanted as Tripsy Magoo teetered toward the lectern – infuriatingly stopping every three feet for sloppy glad-handing and a fumbling selfie with a nameless backbencher.

More like 'Grease the gears.' 

Can we please get on with this, I thought.

On the right side of the aisle, living-Republican-lampoon Marjorie Taylor Greene was wearing a Trump 2024 hat and looked like a washed-up rodeo clown who took one too many bullhorns to the melon. 

She loitered around waiting for the President to amble by so she could wave a 'Laken Riley' button in his face.

Laken, a 22-year-old Georgia nursing student, was brutally murdered by an illegal immigrant last month.

So, did the President 'say her name' during the speech?

Well, he tried.

More on that later.

Full of 'Get Off My Lawn' energy – like Popeye if he swapped out spinach for uppers – Joe was greeted with a hero's welcome by fangirling Democrats .

On the right side of the aisle, living-Republican-lampoon Marjorie Taylor Greene was wearing a Trump 2024 hat and looked like a washed-up rodeo clown who took one too many bullhorns to the melon.

Our suspiciously vigorous president began on an odd note as most of the country watched to see if he'd wander offstage mid-speech or face-plant into the laps of the Supreme Court Justices.

He didn't go in on the illegal immigration crisis or crushing inflation, the twin plagues driving his polls so far south that they need a Mexican passport.

No, he dove headfirst into Ukraine, attacked President Donald Trump (ominously referred to only as his 'predecessor' 13 times!), lamented January 6 and coined a new catchphrase that your blue-haired niece will smugly parrot at the next family barbeque: 'You can't love your country only when you win!'

Michelle Obama might need that one needle-pointed on a pillow.

This wasn't a State of the Union speech. It was the re-launch of the re-launch of Biden's flat-lining campaign.

And while this barely-clearing-the-low-bar performance may have given die-hard Democrats a modicum of hope that he'll limp across the finish line in November, any sentient American saw it as yet another polarizing screed indicative of a nation circling the dirty porcelain pot.

SOTU drinking games encouraged watchers to slam shots every time Sleepy Joe blurted out 'Corn Pop' or 'Come on man!'. But thankfully none of that happened, so my liver was the designated survivor.

Soon enough, though, Joey – squinty and slurring – did smash his words together and intermittently spit out incomprehensible gibberish. (Reader note: 'woewewade' in Biden-speak means Roe v. Wade)

Seated behind the President, VP Harris looked like a ringmaster watching a drunk acrobat walk the tightrope without a net. She dutifully did squats all night, up-and-down and up-and-down, clapping as the thought bubble over her head read, 'Am I President yet?'

Her dais counterpart, Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson, looked like an off-Broadway Patrick Bateman. His seat cushion molded around his bottom, as he comically shook his head and rolled his eyes in disapproval.

There were, of course, outright lies and exaggerations. 

Her dais counterpart, Republican House Speaker Mike Johnson (above, right), looked like an off-Broadway Patrick Bateman. His seat cushion molded around his bottom, as he comically shook his head and rolled his eyes in disapproval.

As Biden made his way out of the chamber he was surrounded by sycophants like Rep. Poopie Pants (Jerry Nadler, left) who waddled up to him and tried to hump his leg. 'Nobody's going to talk about "cognitively impaired" now,' croaked Nadler in audio picked on the hot mics.

Biden greedily took credit for a declining national crime rate that had recently reached historic heights under his 'Defund The Police' Democrats. And he touted a failed bipartisan immigration bill even as his idiotic 'open border' borders have allowed approximately 10 million migrants to enter the country since he was inaugurated.

That's all to be expected. But what can't be forgiven is being boring.

President Trump always understood the incredible emotional impact that human spirit stories have on voters of every party.

At his 2018 SOTU, there was Ji Seong-ho, a disabled North Korean defector who lived on rocks and discarded corn cobs for 6 years as he hobbled to freedom on homemade wooden crutches, which he valiantly waved in the air as the sobbing gallery applauded wildly.

Who did Biden invite?

Newly-minted Swedish Prime Minister Ulf Kristersson – a grinning, waving Nordic nerd who giggled like a tween happy to be at her first Taylor Swift concert.

Then, Grumpy Old Joe scolded the Sour Supreme about overturning woewewade (see above) and blamed the whole thing on 'my predecessor,' even though abortion doesn't now crack the top dozen issues that Americans list as their most worrisome.

Newly-minted Swedish Prime Minister Ulf Kristersson (center) – a grinning, waving Nordic nerd who giggled like a tween happy to be at her first Taylor Swift concert.

Barroom-drunk Taylor-Green, notorious for calling the President a 'liar' at last year's national debacle, predictably interrupted to demand that Biden say the name of 'Laken Riley.'

Runaway government-induced inflation has shrunk the U.S. dollar, but Biden rambled on about 'shrinkflation,' eliminating 'junk fees' and reducing 'cable bills.'

A 'we choose to go to the Moon' speech this was not.

Barroom-drunk Taylor-Green, notorious for calling the President a 'liar' at last year's national debacle, predictably interrupted to demand that Biden say the name of 'Laken Riley.'

Joe seemed to rise to the moment, pulling out his own button, before botching her name and melting into a puddle of confusion.

'Lincoln Riley, an innocent young woman who was killed by an illegal, that's right. But how many thousands of people are being killed by legals?'

What in the world does that mean? I could hear the blood vessels bursting in Kamala Harris' eyes.

The wheels truly came off the rusty handcar when Joey Scramble Brains went off-prompter.

He invited his detractors to accompany him on a flight to Moscow to partake in their low-priced pharmaceutical drugs. Duh-Oh!

And he tried to stick it to greedy candy conglomerates by complaining that Snickers bars are getting less snicker-y. 'You get charged the same amount and you got about, I don't know, 10 percent fewer Snickers in it.'

Joe seemed to rise to the moment, pulling out his own button, before botching her name and melting into a puddle of confusion.

Laken, a 22-year-old Georgia nursing student, was brutally murdered by an illegal immigrant last month.

Don't even get him started on DumDums or Tootsie Pops.

The zenith of his address came as Biden mercifully neared the end - the strength of whatever prescription cocktail he was on surely starting to wan.

The big idea – tax hikes! No doubt the kind of American ingenuity that'll rally the nation to new heights.

'Look, I'm a capitalist,' Joe said for the one-billionth time. 'You can make a million or millions of bucks, that's great. Just pay your fair share in taxes.'

Here's the deal, Joe: Once your kids, Hunter and Ashley, and your brother Jim start paying their 'fair share' - then we can talk about everyone else.

As Biden made his way out of the chamber he was surrounded by sycophants like Rep. Poopie Pants (Jerry Nadler) who waddled up to him and tried to hump his leg.

'Nobody's going to talk about "cognitively impaired" now,' croaked Nadler in audio picked on the hot mics.

'I kinda wish sometimes I was cognitively impaired,' the President inexplicably replied.

Someone get the syringe!

Papa needs another dose of geriatric peppy punch.