DEAR JANE: I read my daughter's journal - and I'm devastated to have discovered what she REALLY thinks about me

Dear Jane,

My teenage daughter has been going through a bit of a difficult time recently and her moods have become more and more difficult to manage. 

After one particularly bad tantrum that involved her fleeing from our home, I sunk to a rather awful low and started snooping around her room in an attempt to find something – anything! – that would give me some insight into what is going on with her.

While poking around, I came across her journal and I'm sorry to say, I started reading it, and what I read was just awful.

They say you can't un-ring a bell, and it turns out, you can't un-read a journal either.

Dear Jane, I was snooping in my daughter's room and ended up reading her journal - I'm so hurt by what she has written about me

I discovered that she's been harboring all kinds of spiteful feelings towards me for months – and that she has essentially lost all respect for me, because she thinks that my role as a stay-at-home wife and mother makes me 'useless' and 'lazy'. 

She feels that I'm jealous of her and that I am determined to stop her from pursuing her 'dream' of becoming a singer because I'm envious that I couldn't achieve the same success in my own life.

It went on and on and on.

By the time I forced myself to close the damn thing, I was in tears. And I haven't been able to look her in the eye since.

Please believe me when I say that I know I did the wrong thing by reading the journal in the first place; no matter how desperate I was, I should not have invaded her privacy like that. But the fact is, I did it, and I now know exactly how she feels.

So what do I do about it?

I don't know how to even begin approaching the conversation; it's clear that our relationship is incredibly damaged, but I'm at a loss for how to repair it. 

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I've come to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to confess to her I've read her journal – although I haven't even been able to bring myself to tell my husband – but I'm terrified that is only going to give her more ammo against me.

Please help.

Hopeless Snooper

Dear Hopeless Snooper,

This is why you don't read other people's journals, text messages, or emails. I'm so sorry to confirm what you already know – that this is an enormous betrayal of trust, and even though you may now be enlightened and want to repair your relationship with your daughter, you are in an impossible situation.

You cannot and must not tell your daughter that you read her journal. The betrayal is so huge, particularly for a young girl who is expressing her innermost thoughts, and you will do your relationship no favors in attempting to assuage your guilt with honesty.

I'm afraid you now have to carry this. But, given that you now know exactly how she feels, and given – I think – your willingness to repair it, you get to do that. 

Not by confessing, but by your unconditional love and support of her following her dreams, by your encouragement. Telling her you're not jealous is irrelevant – you now have to show her how much you support her.

As for moodiness, your job is not to manage her moods, but to recognize that this is all part of her growing up, and that trying to manage what feels uncomfortable for you is giving her the unconscious message that she doesn't matter, she's not important, and she doesn't have the right to feel what she feels.

It's very easy to become enmeshed with our children, to allow their moods to dictate how we feel. 

Learning to detach, to understand that her moods are her moods, that you didn't cause them, that you can't control them - nor can you cure them - is paramount to a healthy relationship between the two of you. 

There is plenty of literature about co-dependency, and al-anon meetings have a wealth of information about how to detach from other people's behavior that makes you uncomfortable.

As to her thinking of you as useless and lazy, let that go. She doesn't feel seen or heard, and is expressing her frustration and anger, using low-hanging fruit. She will feel differently as she matures, particularly if she feels loved and supported by you.

It is never too late to change, nor to learn a lesson. Snooping never ends well; please don't do it again, and please put your focus on allowing your daughter to be who she is, rather than who you need her to be in order for you to feel comfortable.

Dear Jane,

I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time the other night and it was a disaster from start to finish. 

First of all, I was late because of a public transport nightmare, which got the whole evening off to a terrible start. Then during the meal, I ended up choking on my food and coughing it up all over the table. 

As if that wasn't bad enough, I made the stupid mistake of joking about Donald Trump – only to learn that both my boyfriend's mom and dad voted for him and plan on doing so again.

By the end of the meal, I was about ready to die of embarrassment – while they looked as though they'd been sucking on sour lemons the whole way through dinner.

My boyfriend keeps laughing about it and assuring me that they weren't offended or upset, but I just have that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that they're going to judge me on that first impression forever.

I'd normally consider myself a pretty 'together' person but this whole thing has turned me into a paranoid mess. I'm desperate for some more assurance but don't know quite how to get it? I've thought about sending them flowers or a card to apologize, but my boyfriend insists I'd be making it a bigger deal that it is.

I know he's getting annoyed with me constantly bringing it up, but I cannot get it off my mind.

Any thoughts on how I can calm down?!

From,

Date Night Disgrace

Dear Date Night Disgrace,

This doesn't sound as bad as you think, but either way, a thank you card with an apology for being late would suffice. Having a partner's parents love you is what so many of us want, but trying too hard is likely to push them away. 

The next time you see them, try and relax, and be yourself.

Your boyfriend doesn't sound worried by your behavior, or the reaction of his parents. A hand-written thank you card is always lovely to receive, and would doubtless go a long way to a good second impression.

And, please stop worrying about it. They don't know you, and your job isn't to make them love you. Be natural, be yourself, and see how it goes.