DEAR JANE: My mother GROOMED me to be my brother's keeper - he treats me like his servant and I don't know how to escape this abusive situation

Dear Jane,

My mother spent years grooming me to be my brother's 'pseudo mom' after she died and I'm having a really hard time bearing the burden of this job – which I never wanted in the first place.

My brother is seven years older than me and has bullied me for years. When we were growing up, he'd physically and verbally assault me, and the insults carried on through to my 40s, although he stopped the physical torment once we reached our teens.

But all through our childhood, my mom would insist that I needed to be a better sister to him. That I needed to help make sure he was taken care of – and she'd make me do all of the cooking and cleaning with her because she said it was our responsibility to look after the 'men of the house'.

When we got older and moved out of our parents' home, we'd go back for dinner once a week and it would be the same thing. My mom and I cooking, my brother and dad sitting and watching TV. 

Dear Jane, my mother groomed me to be my brother's 'pseudo mom' when she died - and now he expects me to do all of his cooking and cleaning, and pay his bills

When my dad passed away, my mom focused all of her energy – and mine – on my brother, insisting that I offer to pick up groceries for him, that I pick up his dry cleaning… and for whatever twisted reason I've done it. 

A few years ago, our mother got sick, and it was me who shouldered all the responsibility of dealing with her care, sorting out problems with her medical insurance, and making sure she had a nurse to look after her when I couldn't.

Then, when she died, he moved into her home – which she left to us both in her will. But he refuses to take care of it or deal with any of the maintenance and insists that is my job.

It stinks of damp, the floors are filthy, there are leaks in the roof… and he does nothing about any of this, instead just telling me to hire professionals to come in. He also said I should make myself available to clean it for him once a week because 'we both own it'.

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I've told him I'll go 50/50 on the cost of having the more serious damage repaired, but he refused. He's also refused to help clear our mom's stuff away, cruelly saying that when he dies I can clear her stuff and his all at once, which is just too depressing a thought to manage.

I'm already taking care of paying his energy bills and sorting out his insurance, and I'm at my limit with what else I can do.

I feel the weight of this obligation every single day – but I would feel so guilty if I just gave up on doing all the things that I do, because I genuinely don't know if he'd manage?

I don't know what to do.

From,

My Brother's Keeper

Dear My Brother's Keeper,

We are no longer living in the 1950's, and unless your brother has some kind of disability which requires a significant amount of help, you need to remove yourself from your job as you're brother's indentured servant.

I know how hard this is, because, as you say, you have been trained. But your teaching was wrong, and you have no responsibility to look after and pay for a grown man who – unless there is something missing in your letter – is perfectly capable of looking after himself.

He may tell you he isn't. You may think he isn't, but what you are doing in continuing your mother's tradition, is enabling him; he can continue to be a child, to let the women in his life pay for him and do everything for him, for as long as you continue to do so.

If he truly isn't capable of looking after himself, and it's unclear why that would be the case, other than that people have always done that for him, then the two of you can find a part-time caregiver who can help pay the bills and take care of household things.

You are not only giving up your life for him, you are stopping him from living a full life. 

Please find a therapist to work through these issues, to get to the root of this co-dependency, to give you the tools that will enable you to go off and live a full life of your own.