DEAR CAROLINE: My lodger is so boring I have to hide from her. How can I make her move out?

 
 Q I am in my late 50s and have been divorced for eight years. The family home had to be sold and, though I bought a much smaller place, money remains a struggle. Because my now adult children no longer live with me, eight months ago I took in a lodger – a friend of a friend – for extra income. 

Big mistake. 

She is a few years younger than me and, while she is nice enough, I find her very boring. That would be OK but she seems to think she is my best friend and always wants to talk to me when I need space after a long day’s work. I find myself lurking in my room to avoid her. I need to ask her to move out but I don’t want to upset her.

A I do feel for you because it is miserable having to disappoint someone who you like well enough and perhaps feel sorry for but simply don’t want to see as much of as they do you. 

Assertiveness doesn’t come easily to most people and, though your lodger is going to be upset, you do need to act because ultimately you have to put your own needs first. It’s not right that you feel unable to leave your room in your own home! 

Some people might be tempted to tell little white lies to smooth this difficult situation, such as needing the room for one of your children or someone else, but a straightforward approach is best. 

Make it about your needs and not because she is at fault. Tell her that while it has been lovely having her to stay, you find you are just too old to share your space and when her year’s rental is up (only another four months) you would like her to find somewhere else to live.

Good luck – this isn’t easy.

Q I am becoming increasingly worried about my brother’s mental and physical health. He has always struggled with low mood and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), but since losing both our parents within the past few years, these problems are becoming worse. 

He was living at home when our mother became ill and nursed her through lung cancer. We are both in our early 50s and, while I have a lovely husband and daughter, he is still single and lives alone.

I do try to be there for him as much as possible. He has only recently confided in me that he is really struggling. 

He says he now finds it difficult to force himself to socialise and that it’s getting hard to face the day – he’s in a constant state of agitation and also drinks a lot, which I am sure exacerbates his problems. I’ve urged him to contact our GP, but he’s reluctant. He was put on medication in 2019 but said it wasn’t much help. 

I am so worried about him and I really don’t know which way to turn.

A I’m sorry to hear this. It is so hard to watch someone you love struggle. I am glad to have the chance to highlight OCD, a much misunderstood condition, with sufferers often assumed to have only behavioural issues such as excessive tidiness or hand washing.

But it’s often debilitating and can involve intrusive and negative thoughts. 

They might believe they’re not good enough (hence the social anxiety and withdrawal) or feel a sense of terrible foreboding. Sufferers may develop rituals to distract from their anxiety. 

Nursing your mum will have been incredibly upsetting for him and will have intensified these feelings. Unfortunately sufferers are often reluctant to seek help because of either a perceived sense of stigma or belief that they can’t be helped.

Charity OCD Action says it can take up to 12 years from symptoms starting to a sufferer seeking help. Yet it insists the condition can almost always be treated with therapy and medication, so please do contact them at ocdaction.org.uk for support.

 It is good that your brother has reached out to you, so build on this. His drinking does complicate matters and he’s likely to be more defensive about this issue, so do also contact Al-Anon (for the families and friends of alcoholics) at al-anonuk.org.uk. 

As he’s reluctant to get professional help, it might be worth trying an app such as Reveri, which uses self-hypnosis for problems such as anxiety, OCD and depression to bring him a little calm and the courage to get the help he needs.

Meanwhile, in your longer letter, it sounds as though you havenot had the time and space to grieve properly for your parents. So do also consider bereavement counselling for both of you (see cruse.org.uk or mariecurie.org.uk) and remember to nurture yourself and your marriage.

If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

 Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally.