DEAR JANE: My husband has been sending flirty emails to his ex-fiancee for YEARS - I'm horrified by what he's been saying to her

Dear Jane,

My husband of 39 years has been sending flirty messages to his ex fiancée every day for at least 25 years – and it’s driving me crazy.

I first learned that he’d been in regular contact with her when our phone bill came through; because she lives abroad, his calls to her came up as separate (and very expensive) charges. Although the calls weren’t being placed every day, I realized that he’d been chatting to her at least once a week, which I found very surprising and quite hurtful. 

Then I discovered they were also texting one another when her name popped up on his phone on New Year’s Eve. Finally, it emerged that they have also been exchanging emails, a little fact I learned when I was showing him how to attach a photo to a message – and saw one from her sitting in his inbox.

I tried not to make a big deal out of it, but when I returned to his computer later on that day, I saw that there was a string of daily messages dating back years, many of which contained very suggestive and flirty comments. 

He insists that the two of them are just ‘pen pals’… but while I know he is committed to our marriage and has been for nearly four decades now, the correspondence between the two of them has really upset me.

Dear Jane, I discovered my husband has been exchanging flirty emails with his ex fiancee for the past 25 years - I'm so hurt and betrayed 

He signs off all his messages with kisses, responds with winky faces when she sends pictures of herself on the beach, and they’ve even been discussing her sex life with her own husband – and that’s just within a handful of the emails they’ve exchanged. 

She seems to know everything about our lives together – from our children’s birthdays to our daily schedule. He only ever refers to me by the first letter of my name, which makes it feel like he’s trying to hide the fact that I even exist.

She says things to him like, 'I wish I could phone you and hear your voice, I have imaginary conversations with you in my head,’ and he always responds with his own flirty replies. She regularly gives her opinion on things happening in our lives, even about how our house is decorated, and I now know that he has made decisions based on things she has said.

On several occasions in the past I have walked into a room and he has shut his laptop quickly… I used to laugh it off, but obviously I now know why.

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He has said that he won't email her again, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to trust him again. He kept these emails and chats with her hidden from me for so long, how am I to know whether he’s doing it behind my back?

I feel betrayed by his deceit – and honestly I feel like a third wheel in my own marriage. I am struggling terribly, but equally do not, after 38 years of marriage and at 61, want to leave my home and get a divorce.

How do I make him understand my side of things?

From,

Illicit Pen Pal

Dear Illicit Pen Pal,

I am so sorry you have made such a painful discovery, and please know it is completely natural for you to feel everything you’re feeling. Whilst they are only communicating by phone, the fact that he is in regular contact, at times flirtatious contact, with an ex-girlfriend, is unsettling at best.

We all deserve to feel safe in our relationships, and whatever his reasons for keeping this ex in his life in this way, you need to be very clear about how it has affected you, and communicate that with him, as you have done.

I think this situation, given the length of your marriage, would benefit from a therapeutic intervention to enable him to understand just how much his choices have hurt you, and how your trust has been eroded.

Be very clear about what you will and will not tolerate. As hard as it may be, you are entitled to state your boundary, and the consequence if that boundary is not respected.

I have a friend who has just gone through something very similar. He told her he had stopped contact, but there were a string of texts the following week. 

As brutally hard as this decision was, she ended the relationship, knowing that she deserved someone who didn’t lie or disrespect her in that way. It was an act of radical self-care.

Take care of yourself, and know that you deserve respect, and truth. I hope a therapist can help you get there.

Dear Jane,

My sister – who is also my son’s godmother – gave him an extremely lavish gift for his high school graduation a few years ago, and now that it’s her son’s turn, she’s expecting me to do the same... and is furious that I’ve told her I simply can’t afford to.

I’ve never been particularly well off. I get by, but don’t really have any savings to fall back on, and any spare money I can scrape together, I put towards helping my son pay for college.

When my son graduated, my sister, who has the benefit of being married to a very wealthy financier, said that she wanted to do something special for both me and him by buying him a car, so I wouldn’t have to worry about him going to and from college.

I tried repeatedly to shut that idea down, largely because I don’t think kids should simply be gifted those kinds of life-changing purchases without understanding what it means to work for them, but also because it made me feel awful that I’ve never been able to provide him with that kind of incredible surprise.

In the end, she wore me down, and on graduation day, presented my son with a Jeep. Unsurprisingly, he was absolutely over the moon about it. And to be fair to her, it has proven incredibly handy for him to have his own vehicle, particularly as it means he’s able to come back from college to visit a lot more regularly than I think he would have.

But now it’s my nephew’s turn to graduate from high school, and she’s been pressuring me to come up with my own over-the-top gift to celebrate his special day. When I told her I could not afford to get him such an incredibly expensive gift, she seemed annoyed, and asked why I didn’t start saving up for something the moment she gave my son his car.

It sounds to me like she’s already told him to expect something incredible from me, and now I’m terrified of letting both of them down.

What do I do?

From,

Desperate Times

Dear Desperate Times,

Far be it from me to suggest that your sister is behaving in ways that are entitled and cruel, and that a gift, however outlandish, that comes with strings attached is not a gift at all. 

Gifting anything at all is an act of generosity, and there can be no expectations for something in return. When there is an expectation, the gift is not generous, but manipulative and self-centered, as you are unfortunately discovering.

You do not have to feel guilty at not reciprocating, nor should you feel guilty when you tell your sister all of the above, and that you feel manipulated by her demands when you have clearly stated your financial situation. 

As for being terrified at letting down your nephew, let that go. There’s absolutely no need, and you can easily explain that you wish you were in a position to buy him something fabulous to demonstrate how proud you are of him.

I have to also say here that a huge gift for a high school graduate is ridiculous. Particularly from an aunt. 

You have nothing to feel guilty about, and nothing to be frightened of. Your sister and her family have different values, and the means to fulfill those values. 

Focus on your own family and the healthy values you have instilled.