LIZ JONES: The Kardashians and the White House are ridiculing the royals, and as far as TikTok is concerned Kate has done a Gone Girl. Maybe she should just give us a wave?

They still don’t know who shot JFK, but millions think they know what’s happened to the Princess of Wales.

For them, it has taken up almost every waking moment.

So, it’s no wonder this mysterious new sighting has sparked not just puzzlement but anger among the legions of Kate fans.

We are informed that William and Catherine were spotted at the Windsor farm shop on Saturday and the next day went to watch their children play sport.

Yet, in this age of smart phones, no one - just no one - took a photo.

I was on the phone to three girlfriends yesterday when we heard the rumour that a big announcement was impending. We were terrified. In tears.

Kim Kardashian joked over the weekend on social media that she was on her way 'to go find Kate'

To then hear, a few hours later, that the Royal couple had been spotted out relaxing was like a kick in the teeth.

We felt foolish. And we’re still not convinced. In fact, we feel royally shafted.

If the Royal Family is all about respect, about doing the right thing, I for one feel completely disrespected.

Have we spent all these days worried sick for nothing?

Aside from the more ghoulish theories – Catherine’s in a coma, has been struck down by a Covid jab, has left both her husband and the country - most are farcical.

Kate’s had a bad haircut and is waiting for it to grow out. She was taking part in the much-ridiculed Wonka experience. She is Banksy.

She’s had a Brazilian bum lift and/or a face lift. The finger injury from September 2023 has flared up into something serious.

On February 23rd, two black horses and one grey were seen leaving Buckingham Palace: a bad omen, apparently. As far as TikTok is concerned, she’s done a Gone Girl and – in the style of the best-selling novel and the film that followed - has made herself vanish into thin air.

When asked about the edited photo released of Kate and her children on Mother's Day, White House spokesman Karine Jean-Pierre sniggered and said, ‘That is not something we do here’

It all reminds me of a Fawlty Towers episode when Basil cannot bear to tell his friends that Sybil has stormed off in a huff. He says, instead, that she’s ill in bed and her thighs have puffed up.

So, Basil digs himself into an ever-deeper hole - which is exactly what the Waleses are doing now. Perhaps they bought a trowel at the garden centre, too.

I am tired of commentators saying that all this speculation is bullying or mere time wasting.

One Sunday paper tried to dismiss the online concern for Kate as ‘prurient’, a cruel theatre, both ‘degrading and infantilising’.

Really? I agree with Earl Spencer when he said that the attention focused on his sister Diana was far more dangerous than the current online scrutiny of Kate.

The fact is that we play detective because we care. So, stop trying to downplay the doctored Mother’s Day photo.

A source close to the Waleses has been quoted saying that Kate’s not a ‘show pony’. But, in the nicest possible way, that’s EXACTLY what she is.

The photo released by Kensington Palace on Mother's Day of Kate and her children George, Charlotte and Louis. Kate later admitted she had digitally edited the picture

Ninety-nine point nine per cent of us will only ever know the Princess of Wales through the lens of a camera.

The late Queen once said that monarchy must be seen to be believed. Now? We don’t believe what we are seeing.

Catherine doesn’t say much, so image is everything. Each photograph is part of history.

If she wants to be ‘amateur’ about her pictures, as she put it, then she’s in the wrong job.

Because Kate matters. She could be Queen in a few short years.

As long as she’s okay, we’re okay.

We need her to be stable, happy, smiling in a world that is very far from that.

And we need her to accept that a portrait of a film star or model in a magazine – possibly ‘tweaked’ - is completely different to an eagerly awaited news photograph.

Reputable picture agencies cannot be party to any distortion in this age of artificial intelligence.

Most newspaper reports and television bulletins are still patting us on the head as if we’re children, acting as if everything is going to plan.

One stated that the palace phones have been ‘ringing off the hook’ with good wishes from the public.

Prince William leaves Windsor for Westminster Abbey this afternoon with his wife the Princess of Wales next to him

I don’t believe that for one second. Who rings a landline these days when they can post online?

The solution to all this speculation and ridicule is simple: don’t ignore us, as the Prince of Wales did when he arrived for his Earthshot speech on Thursday evening.

When a reporter called out, ‘William, how’s Catherine? there was no acknowledgement at all, which just seemed clumsy, given the furore.

This is particularly true abroad, where the media is nowhere near as restrained as ours.

Did you see the White House spokesperson sniggering when asked about the photo, saying, ‘That is not something we do here’?

Even Kim Kardashian joked over the weekend that she was ‘on my way to find Kate’.

It’s as though the world was just waiting for a pile on.

William: we understand you want to protect your family, to have a private bubble. But Earthshot was a public moment. Why not smile and say she’s doing fine?

Oh, and don’t take four weeks off over Easter leaving others to hold the fort.

Kate: be seen smiling and waving for a few seconds. King Charles is doing it, valiantly, although he looks pasty.

Hiding away makes a mockery of all your mental health initiatives, about how important it is to be open.

One minute you’re on Insta, the next it’s as if you’re locked in the Tower.

The world is waiting, with bated breath. Yet no one can produce a photo from that farm shop trip, not even a blurry profile.

If it’s all true - and you really did pay a quiet trip to the garden centre – that makes it all the worse. 

You could have taken a selfie and just posted it. There. Done. Sorted. 

None of this makes sense.