DEAR JANE: My mother is FURIOUS with me for refusing to name my son after my late father - how do I tell her I hate his old-fashioned moniker?

Dear Jane,

I’m currently pregnant with my first child – a baby boy – and I’m so incredibly excited!

I’ve always wanted to be a mother and have been thinking up names for my own children since I was a child myself (yes, I’m one of those people!). 

When I found out I was expecting a boy, my husband and discussed each of our preferred names, and settled on our perfect pick pretty quickly. We haven’t really shared it with anyone because we don’t want any judgment or opinions to impact our choice when we’re both so happy with it.

But my mom has been relentlessly pressuring me to share it with her so, finally, thinking it would be a special moment for her to enjoy as a first-time grandma, I told her.

To my complete surprise, she looked furious as soon as the name crossed my lips. When I asked what her problem was, she told me she was incredibly hurt and offended that I wouldn’t be giving my son his late grandfather’s name. 

Dear Jane, my mother is incredibly upset with me because I don't want to give my first-born son my late father's name... but I couldn't bear to give my child such an old-fashioned moniker

I told her that we were planning to use both my father’s name and my father-in-law’s name for our son’s middle names, but she said that wasn’t good enough. That I was sullying my dad’s memory by ‘relegating’ his name to a middle moniker.

My mother is still very much grieving the loss of my dad, so I understand, at least in part, where she’s coming from. And I know she’s acting out of emotion rather than logic or compassion right now. 

When I told my husband, who is the biggest pushover in the world, about my conversation with her, he readily agreed to change our son’s name – but I don’t want to.

I love my dad and I honor his memory the best I can every day, but he had a very antiquated name and I just couldn’t do that to my child! 

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Calling him Ambrose after my father seems… well… mean? 

I know what kids are like, and I know that they tease others about every little thing possible and to give my son such an outdated name just feels like setting him up for torment.

Personally I don’t think my dad would have cared one bit whether my son had his name or not but I don’t want this to hurt my mother or damage my relationship with her.

Is there a way I can reach some middle ground?

From,

Moniker Mayhem

Dear Moniker Mayhem,

This is your baby, not your mother’s, and although she is absolutely entitled to give her opinion, naming this baby is not something she gets to decide, however unhappy she may be about it.

You’ve already presented the middle ground, which is utterly reasonable.

Most people do exactly what you have done – give their child the middle name of a beloved relative, either living or dead.

Your mother’s fury has nothing to do with you. Nor should you be guilted or manipulated into changing your decision. That she is asking that of you is unreasonable, and unfair.

The only thing you can do is stick to your guns. Tell your mother, calmly and kindly, that you and your partner have chosen the name, that you are sorry she is not happy, but this is the end of the discussion. 

Give her time and space to get over it, and know that you are doing the right thing, and that you need not change your decision to make someone else happy.