Is this new Dubai hotel the wackiest one of them all? Jennifer Lopez is one of the first guests. The Mail follows in her footsteps to enjoy a toilet with 17 buttons and a bath big enough for three

Who knows what Jennifer Lopez made of the bowl of Quality Street in her hotel bedroom.

The star pocketed a reported £3.9million for singing and staying at the grand opening of One&Only One Za’abeel last month.

But when I arrived four days later — among the first paying guests to visit the new ultra-luxury resort in Dubai — I was surprised to find complimentary Orange Cremes, Green Triangles and Purple Ones among the champagnes and single-malts in my minibar.

The West Yorkshire-made sweeties are not the oddest perk on offer.

While its sister property, Atlantis The Royal, has gold-plated toothbrushes for guests, One&Only One Za’abeel goes one further.

Ed Grenby is among the first paying guests to visit the new One&Only One Za’abeel resort

 A view from the sofa of one of the bedrooms at the ultra-luxury resort in Dubai

One suite comes with a free cocktail party for eight, writes Ed

Some suites have soundproof walls and recording facilities; others give guests a ‘complimentary Longevity Scan Index’ on arrival (nope, me neither); one, at £22,500 a night, even lists a ‘mancave’ for guests.

My favourite would probably be the one that comes with a free cocktail party for eight — if only I’d remembered to bring seven friends with me.

As it is, I’m staying in a mere ‘room’ — though it’s still ridiculously plush, with a walk-through wardrobe, a sofa with so many plump cushions that I have to remove eight to sit down, a toilet with 17 buttons to control its ‘intimate cleansing’ functions, and a bath big enough for three.

It’s best not to speculate on which of these luxuries was the big draw for Naomi Campbell, Idris Elba, David Gandy or Emma Radacanu, who joined J-Lo at the hotel’s opening weekend.

That bath, with its views of Dubai’s shimmering sci-fi skyline, is a 53-storeys-high highlight.

The hotel is housed in one of two 300m-tall towers, which means guests get to gaze down on ant-sized autos cruising the 12-lane highway below

Ed stays in 'a mere room' at the hotel - though it's still ridiculously plus, he says

LEFT: Ed's bath at the hotel offers views of Dubai’s shimmering sci-fi skyline. RIGHT: The writer is surprised to find complimentary Quality Street chocolates among the champagnes and single-malts in his minibar

The hotel is housed in one of two 300m-tall towers, which means guests get to gaze down on ant-sized autos cruising the 12-lane highway below.

But it also means I spend a lot of time in lifts. (Security measures mean you have to change lifts to get from your room to restaurants and bars.)

And even though One &Only One Za’abeel is more convenient for Dubai’s business district than for the beach, don’t leave your swimwear at home.

On the 4th floor is a palm-fringed pool with hot and cold running waiters. It’s a gorgeous spot — and in the private area, Campbell/Gandy types can relax hidden by thick palm fronds and a forbidding gate for an extra hundred quid or so.

A bathroom with his and hers sinks in one of the hotel rooms

Better still is the hotel’s spectacular 27th-floor infinity pool — 200 metres long and 100 metres high in the air, atop the world’s longest cantilever bridge. It has cabanas, swim-up bars and a clubby Japanese-Peruvian bar/restaurant.

There are 11 restaurants. True, there’s some silliness: fortune-telling at Thai-style DuangDy; waiters in straitjackets at avant-garde StreetXO; and a ‘snacks’ menu at late-night Sphere that has a £2,500 portion of caviar.

After a couple of days, I’m half a stone heavier, 100 per cent happier, and my hand luggage is made up largely of purloined Quality Street.

I bet that if you checked J-Lo’s, hers would be, too.