DEAR CAROLINE: My sister pretends our parents were happy together and blames me for giving up on my marriage too easily

Q  My parents had an awful marriage. My mother was critical and controlling, always complaining and telling our dad he was doing things wrong. 

She used to shout a lot, while he was the voice of reason. Although he was strict when we were growing up, he’s always been very kind and supportive to both my sister and me over our careers, marriages, grandchildren (my kids) and my divorce. 

Our mother made her disapproval clear when I left my difficult first husband for the lovely man I am still with. I used to wonder how my dad put up with her, but she could be fun and entertaining, too. 

She has now had to go into a care home, aged 89, while my father, who is in his 90s, is frail and anxious and needs carers at home. However, what really annoys me is that my sister has started sugar-coating their marriage. I have heard her tell carers and friends how our parents ‘fought like cat and dog but were deeply in love’. 

I know Dad feels needlessly guilty about our mother being in a home, and this doesn’t help. My sister and I are not close and, when I object, she tells me I wouldn’t understand because I gave up on my marriage too easily. It’s really getting to me.

A I can understand why you find it upsetting that your sister wants to rewrite history. It minimises the sadness that you hold for your father and your feelings of being unloved and disapproved of by your mother.

I expect even though your sister knows your parents had a poor marriage, she wants to believe otherwise. Perhaps (if we were attributing finer feelings to her) she doesn’t want to think that your dad was unhappy. However, as your sister sounds quite judgmental, her attitude might be more of a reflection on her own marriage.

 Sometimes people who judge others for ‘giving up too easily’ are unhappily married themselves – but feel they are being stoical by putting up with things. Perhaps she downplays the difficulties in your parents’ marriage to reassure herself that her own, which may be similar, is normal. 

You, on the other hand, have managed to break the pattern. After marrying someone difficult like your mother, you have now found someone more like your kind father. Unfortunately, you can’t control your sister’s narrative and I think it would only upset you to argue about it. 

So, on balance, you may have to accept that it is what she chooses to feel, but not the truth. However, you can still help your father. It’s very sad that he feels guilt about your mother being in a home, so keep reminding him that you made this decision together because her needs had become complex and it was the only option. 

Many people suffer from anxiety in old age so it might be worth seeing his GP with him to consider medication that would help alleviate this.

Should we marry or just stay friends? 

Q I am in my 50s and was married to my wife for 21 years before we separated. We have a grown-up daughter. I didn’t want my marriage to end, and don’t understand why it happened. Now I have a long- term friendship with someone else. Do you think I should marry again or just keep it platonic?

A I’m really sorry that your marriage ended against your wishes. Your brief letter tells me very little, but it might hold a clue as to why it broke down. While you tell me the bare facts about your situation, you don’t reveal anything about how you feel. You don’t say if you loved your wife, what kind of person she was or whether you’re still friends. 

You also don’t tell me anything about your new relationship – in fact, you call it a friendship – or say how you feel about her or if she loves you or wants to get married. 

This lack of detail suggests you have difficulty talking about, or possibly even understanding, your emotions. Relationships in which feelings are not discussed do often flounder, , unfortunately, and this is perhaps what happened in your marriage.

 So for the sake of this new relationship, and your own wellbeing, it’s important that you find a way to understand and talk about what’s going on inside. You might try Relate (relate.org.uk) for individual counselling to help you do this and decide how you feel about this new relationship.

It will also help you come to terms with the loss of your marriage in order to move forward. Age UK (ageuk.org.uk) has a helpful section on any financial implications of remarrying.

If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally.