DEAR JANE: My wife is accusing me of CHEATING on her - just because I made a simple lifestyle change

Dear Jane,

For years now I've felt pretty miserable about my body. I've always been a big guy - I guess you could say I have your typical 'dad bod' - and it's made me self-conscious for much of my adult life. 

I'm very lucky in tons of ways. I have a great wife, two awesome kids, and I do pretty well at work.

But after years staring in the mirror and feeling annoyed or upset about what I saw, I finally did something about it. I spoke to people at work, who take a lot of pride in their bodies, and decided to join a local gym and sign up with one of the trainers there who has worked with a lot of my colleagues.

It might sound weird but I was kind of reluctant to tell my wife about it. I don't know if it was a fear of failure or embarrassment, but I felt guilty about spending so much money on what is, really, my own vanity.

So I started telling her that I needed to go into work a bit earlier, doing my workouts, then heading into the office as always.

Dear Jane, my wife thinks I'm cheating on her because I started working out regularly - how do I show her that's not the case?

After a few weeks of this, I noticed that my wife had started to get snippy with me whenever I walked in the door at the end of the day. And she started making some snarky comments about how 'important' my 'work' must be if I was willing to spend all hours of the day away from her and the kids.

I tried to speak to her about it on several occasions, and she eventually told me that she'd suspected I'd been cheating for a while - a suspicion that ultimately led her to look at my phone, where she came across several texts from Jenny (my trainer) discussing when we'd be meeting up. Which basically led her to the conclusion that I was having an affair.

My first instinct was to laugh - wrong reaction, I know - because the truth is just so far away from that, but my response just sent her into a blind rage. I've tried to explain myself but she won't see reason! I've even offered to introduce her to Jenny so she can see for herself that there is nothing going on, but she won't be talked around.

I've grown to love my workouts, love that they are making me a stronger, healthier man... but now I fear I'm going to have to give them up to save my marriage?

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers' most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column

What do I do here?

From,

Sweating It Out

Dear Sweating It Out,

Congratulations on discovering the benefits that exercise can bring, and commiserations for the mess you’ve got yourself into.

Without knowing all the details, it doesn’t sound all that complicated to show your wife that you haven’t been having an affair. A visit to the gym, to see what you do and who you know and the community you have will surely assuage her fears about infidelity.

As for vanity, you may have started exercising due to vanity, but, as you are discovering, the benefits are multi-fold, not least of which are the benefits to your health, which will far outstrip the vanity. 

Your health, your mood, your own self-respect – all of these will be helped by exercise.

Please don’t let an inability to communicate well stop you from doing something that is so beneficial to you. 

If your wife still refuses to come to the gym, I suggest you organize going to see a couples counsellor. This may provide a safe place for you to tell her why you started going, why you felt the need to keep it from her, as well as bring your shame and guilt to the light. 

Your wife can safely express her own fears and pain at what seems to her to be a betrayal, and I hope you can both find your way back to each other with grace.

Dear Jane,

I moved in with one of my closest friends at the start of the year - and I'm already at my wits end with her disgusting habits.

I've been friends with this girl since high school and I absolutely love her, she's one of the people I am closest to in my life. We've been through it all together. But we ended up going to different colleges - although we saw each other as much as possible - so I have never really experienced living with her.

But she's my best friend, so when she suggested that we move in together when we discovered that we'd both be moving to New York for work.

To say it's been a disaster would be a dramatic understatement. Because it turns out that, while she's a wonderful person, she's also a disgusting slob. And trust me when I say I'm not being fussy here.

She never does her dishes and leaves pans caked in sauces and oil and fat just stewing for weeks on end. Our shared bathroom is a horrifying mess of half used shampoo bottles, toothpaste squirts all over the sink, hair left all over the shower walls, poop smears in the toilet... you name it, I've seen it.

I've tried talking to her about it, but she always brushes it off, saying that we're young, we're living in New York, and we have better things to do with our time than clean.

Neither of us are earning enough money to afford a housekeeper, so I always end up cleaning up her mess myself. But I'm exhausted by it, to tell you the truth. And I think the best thing I can do to save my mental health is to move out.

I just have no idea how to break it to her?

From,

Absolutely Filthy

Dear Absolutely Filthy,

I’m sitting here cringing in horror at the description of your living conditions. They say you never really know someone until you live with them, and, as you’re now discovering, there are sides to your friend that will end up destroying the friendship if you continue to live together.

You’ve already tried talking to her about it, and clearly she doesn’t care about living in filth, which you’re not going to be able to change. Even if you were able to afford a weekly housekeeper, those toilets and sinks are not going to clean themselves in between…

It sounds like you love your friend, who has many wonderful qualities. She doesn’t see how much she is disrespecting you by ignoring the one thing you are asking for. 

What I know for sure is that people do not change, unless they decide to change for themselves. She has already shown you that she is not willing to respect your needs, which means your resentments are likely to build and build until an explosion that may well see the end of your friendship.

Agree to separate now, for the sake of that friendship. 

Tell her the truth. I know you have already said this to her, so while it should come as no surprise, expect her to feel blindsided – people rarely hear how difficult their behavior is until it’s too late. 

She may well say she will change her ways once you tell her you’re moving out, but if she’s naturally that messy and dirty, it’s unlikely that change will last.