Having children DOESN'T have to ruin your sex life: Here's the definitive guide to how it can survive - and even be better than ever

How ironic that the very act that leads to having children in the first place is often ruined by their presence later on. You're too exhausted to bother, for a start.

Then there's the years of chores and childcare, when sex can feel like just another item on the to-do list. And finally, just as you get time back to yourselves, you have a teen up at all hours, dulling your passion as it's, well, just too embarrassing for everyone.

But your sex life can survive kids, and may even, dare I say, end up being better for it.

I'm a clinical psychologist and psychosexologist known online as The Sex Doctor, with 20 years' experience helping couples navigate the storms and lulls of long-term relationships.

My new book, How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life, arose from my online workshops for parents, which teach that they shouldn't expect the same sex life they had before children, when lie-ins were ten-a-penny — but yes, they can be as satisfied as ever.

Clinical psychologist and psychosexologist Dr Karen Gurney, known online as The Sex Doctor, says a handful of changes can have an enormous impact on a couple's intimate experiences

The good news is: it doesn't take much to turn it around.

A handful of changes, like those suggested here, can have an enormous impact on a couple's intimate experiences.

But before we set to work re-floating your boat, I want you to take the sex-life quiz, below. This will help identify some of the reasons that you might be running aground.

Get your partner to do it too.

First, take our quiz

Do you still kiss passionately other than when you're having sex?

A Every chance we get!

B Often

C Hardly ever

D It's extinct!

Does one of you regularly have more pleasure than the other when having sex?

A No, it's equal

B Sometimes, but it's fine

C More often than not

D Yes, it's totally one-sided

How easy is it to talk about sex together? For example, to ask for what you'd like?

A Really easy

B Mostly easy

C Mostly awkward

D Really hard

Does one of you feel the responsibility for most of the household tasks/childcare?

A It's shared equally

B One of us does more than our fair share of visible and invisible* household labour, but it's negotiated fairly in relation to our working hours

C One of us does more than our fair share of the visible and invisible household labour and it doesn't feel negotiated fairly/feels unequal

D I do it all

*'Invisible' household work includes remembering birthdays, replying to school Whatsapp chats etc.

Does sex often follow a predictable pattern (e.g. who does what, in what order)

A Sex is different every time

B Mostly does

C Mostly doesn't

D I can predict what we'll end up doing before we've done it, every time

Do you plan any time in your week/month to nurture your sex life or be physically intimate?

A Yes, we try and make time for it

B Yes, but not as much as we would like

C We do, but somehow don't seem to make it happen

D No, we just hope it will happen

How connected do you feel as sexual partners outside of sex (e.g. flirting, sexts, suggestion, compliments about your appearance)

A Very connected, it defines us

B We usually feel connected, but there are brief lulls where we don't

C We have periods of connection, then long stretches of no connection

D Not at all, we feel like flatmates

Do you make time to have fun together away from the kids?

A As much as we can, circumstances permitting

B We don't prioritise us, really

C We have good intentions, but it just doesn't happen

D What is 'time' away from the kids??!

If you scored mostly As, hooray — your relationship currently includes many of the aspects we know predict a great sex life and will help you maintain sexual satisfaction over the long term.

You prioritise your sex life and nurture it through conversation, making sure sex is working for both of you. Keep doing what you're doing!

If you scored mostly Bs and Cs, perhaps you've been together a little while now, sex has become hard to talk about and things have slid a little from where you want them to be. Perhaps it would have been mostly As before kids came along?

If you don't change anything, the trajectory you're on might well end at a place neither of you would choose.

Use the answers to the questions to work out which of my tips can help make your sex life as fulfilling and pleasurable as it used to be.

If you scored mostly Ds, your sex life may be almost sunk! But do not fear — there's much you can do to get things back on track.

You may have fallen into a pattern of prioritising one person's pleasure and not relating to each other sexually unless actually having sex.

Perhaps one or both of you is experiencing a drop in desire and finding it hard to initiate sex. This is normal, and a real risk for parents, but it can be fixed.

It is absolutely possible to maintain high levels of sexual satisfaction and desire while having sex with the same person time and time again. See below, for my top tips.

Thinking of sex as a buffet means you can have whatever you want in any order. It doesn't need to include the same things every time or end with the same dish, writes Dr Karen

Don't worry about how often others do it.

Frequency is usually a red herring. The desire for lots of sex is often not about missing the regularity of sex itself, but its benefits — wanting to feel wanted, special, connected, a close couple, alive. (When we satisfy these psychological needs — and I'll show you how — we often end up having more sex anyway.)

I often say: having sex once a year that blows your socks off and makes you feel great about yourself and your relationship is better than weekly sex without pleasure and a true connection.

Kiss passionately while unloading the shopping

I coined the term 'sexual currency' as a way to refer to the amount of erotic charge between us outside of actual sex.

It could be a brief but suggestive touch as you pass your partner in the kitchen, a hot kiss before heading off to work, or just spending time naked in bed together without sex.

The litmus test is: would you do it with your aunt? If not, and it doesn't involve a sexual act of some kind, it's sexual currency.

In the early stages of a relationship, we have high levels, but it wanes the longer we live together. Some couples sustain it better than others, no matter how often they have sex. They're the ones who find the transition from putting the weekly shop away to kissing passionately against the fridge an easy one to make.

For others, the absence of sexual currency makes it hard to see their relationship as sexual at all. Compliments, touches and suggestive looks are so often absent that, even when tried, feel awkward, or like a clumsy initiation of sex. This is the start of a drift towards living not as sexual partners but as housemates.

If that's you, try an experiment. Perhaps decide to turn the peck on the lips when one of you leaves the house into a lingering, longer kiss. Do it for a month and see what difference it makes.

You might also agree to be flirtier, compliment each other's looks, send sex texts, share sexual thoughts, touch each other in a more sexual way while watching TV — anything you can think of. Aim to be more sexual by doing as much of this as you can.

Is talking about sex hard? Congratulations!

You've already identified an area that, if you work on it together, will have huge implications for sexual satisfaction.

Talking about sex includes being able to talk about what you like, don't like, your fantasies and desires, and your evolving wants, needs and preferences. Sounds simple — yet so many of us find this painfully embarrassing. I see it all the time in sex therapy, even in the most confident and outspoken of people.

Getting (back) into practice talking about sex can be especially hard if we find speaking and listening to each other difficult, even outside of sex. It can also be hard if we have grown defensive about our sexual relationship.

First consider how you communicate about any topic, not just sex. Do you feel listened to? Taken seriously? Are difficult topics easy or hard to bring up? Does one of you use humour in a way the other finds dismissive?

Spend five to ten minutes sitting down without distractions and really listen to each other talk about the day, its highs and lows, and how you both feel.

Re-discovering emotional closeness is often an important foundation for feeling like sex with a partner and these deeper, minutes-long conversations are worth weeks of ordinary chat about what's for dinner and how the kids are doing.

What if one of us doesn't feel like it?

Our desire for our partners will ebb and flow over time, and at different rates from each other. It's perfectly fine not to feel like it — but let them down gently!

Research tells us that 'rejecting' a partner in a reassuring way when they ask for sex ('I'd really like to and am really attracted to you but I just have all this work to do') leads to higher levels of couple satisfaction long term. This is in stark contrast to when it is done in a critical way ('Why are you so sex mad all the time? I wish you'd stop nagging me about it, I've got enough on my plate').

Don't let resentment build

So many women tell me that when they first began living with a man, household chores were split evenly, but when a child came along, it all changed.

Yes, men have stepped up in comparison with their fathers, but there is still a gross inequality in the amount of domestic labour women do compared to men. When resentment over household chores seeps into a sexual relationship, it can seriously compromise desire.

Sharing the load equally is a very practical and effective change you can make to improve your sex lives as parents.

Make sex a buffet not a three-course meal

Thinking of sex as a buffet means you can have whatever you want in any order. It doesn't need to include the same things every time or end with the same dish.

Imagine how much more novel and exciting that would be? It could be an intense all-night kissing session. It could be lots of touching without penetration. It could be unusually slow/passionate/frenzied/sensual. Mix it up.

Help, we can't have sex with teens in the house

At least when the kids were little you knew you'd get a few hours to yourselves in the evening. Sadly, teenagers are likely to go to bed at the same time or later than you, and for some, having a teen awake in the house is a paralysing prospect.

If that's you, having sex in the morning might be easier. But don't let a teen's presence mute the sexual currency in your relationship. Showing your teens in subtle ways that you still have a sexual connection teaches them valuable lessons — including that everyone has a right to privacy, which should be a family rule.

Second, sex is not something shameful, furtive or to be kept a secret. Yes, they think you're past it, but you're showing them even oldies can have a satisfying physical relationship. Parents who pass on this message are giving their child a gift that will benefit them in years to come.

Make sure sex is good for both of you

When your to-do list is as long as your arm, the benefits of sex have to be felt strongly for us to even think about taking time away from another activity that also seems a priority.

We've all grown up in a patriarchal society that sees the sexual act as culminating in penetrative sex and male orgasm, but that's unlikely to do it for most women.

Beware: those who allow their sex lives to benefit one person's pleasure over another's should expect desire to decrease over time. Making sex mutually satisfying is a goal in reach of all couples.

But equally…

Don't dismiss the quickie.

Sometimes as time-poor parents, it's the only option we've got. This is the one time sex can be one-sided, with one of you concentrating on the other's body so they can get the touch they need (just ensure the other gets their turn next time).

You might need to spend time ahead of a quickie getting yourself in the mood and feeling turned on — for example, by fantasising on the way home from work or listening to audio erotica in the bath.

Adapted from How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life by Dr Karen Gurney (Headline, £16.99). © Dr Karen Gurney 2024. To order a copy for £15.29 (offer valid to 14/04/24; UK P&P free on orders over £25) go to www.mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.