Tracey Cox questions single men and women to find out if they really are happier than couples

PUBLISHEDWed Apr 3 2024 07:20 GMT

UPDATEDWed Apr 3 2024 07:23 GMT

Rom-com producers should be shaking in their shoes: the stereotypical sad, lonely 'singleton' is heading for extinction.

Turns out a growing number of people prefer to be on their own.

There's world-wide evidence: fewer people are getting married and we're staying single longer. Sometimes permanently. Lots of divorced people now choose to stay solo.

Canadian research recently found a significant drop in the number of people living together as couples from 1981 to 2021, echoing the trends.

Are you sure about that? Hold on a minute, I know lots of single people who would love to be in a relationship, I hear you say.

'Rom-com producers should be shaking in their shoes: the stereotypical sad, lonely 'singleton' is heading for extinction. Turns out a growing number of people prefer to be on their own,' said Tracey

Possibly. But that might well be because you're making them feel that way.

Research shows single people who are surrounded by people who constantly quiz them about their single state, are the least happy of the group. The others are doing just fine, thanks very much.

Is the research right? Might happy-ever-after not be the secret to life-long happiness, after all?

I asked a selection of single men and women to tell me how happy they were single – with varying results.

I LOVED BEING SINGLE IN MY 20S BUT IT'S DEPRESSING IN YOUR LATE 30S

Natasha, 38, has a four-year-old son

'There's nothing lonelier than being in a bad relationship. I was married for six miserable years to someone I was completely incompatible with.

'The ironic thing is, I kind of knew it wasn't going to work before I went there. A panic sets in if you're a single woman and want children: there really is a man shortage.

'When people question your choice of partners, they need to be aware that you are choosing the best of what's available to you.

'I felt left behind: friends were on kid number two and renovating kitchens and I was still sharing with flatmates and putting my name on stuff in the fridge. Being single can be great – I loved it in my 20s - but it can be bloody depressing in your late 30s.

The British sex and relationship expert asked a selection of single men and women to tell her how happy they were single – with varying results (stock photo)

'I was happy for a brief period with my then husband. I have a son who I love desperately but it was clear from the moment he was born, that we have drastically different views on parenting and life. He's a pessimist and I'm an optimist. He dragged me down and I didn't want that to happen to my son.

'When we finally split, I felt enormous relief watching him walk down the path. But then despair at having to get out there and find someone again.

'That was two years ago. I haven't bothered dating because I just can't face it. To be frank, I'm feeling happier and happier about being by myself. It's easier and I am lucky to have tons of friends and a terrific family.

'There are sad times though. I read a quote the other day which sums it up for me: I don't want someone to do things with – I have friends. I want someone to do nothing with. I want to not have to plan a weekend. To know there's someone around to just loll about with. That's what I miss the most.'

LIFE WAS BAD AFTER MY WIFE LEFT BUT THE FREEDOM OF BEING SINGLE IS ADDICTIVE

Mark is 42 and divorced with no children

'I got married very young – I was 20. I liked being married and was shocked when my wife announced she'd been having an affair and was leaving me. I was 35 when it happened and totally lost. I'd always had her with me, it freaked me out being on my own. I wasn't used to it. I lived in a small town and didn't have many single mates. Life was bad there for a few months.

'Then my younger sister, who lived in central London, took pity on me and asked me to visit. She worked in publicity and happened to have lots of single friends. She'd told them all I needed cheering up and by God, didn't they do just that. There were about 10 of them. They all bigged me up, made me laugh, flirted with me, and made me realise my life wasn't over, it was just beginning. Yes, I did sleep with one or two of them. The sex was out of this world. I was never adventurous, but I ticked off most of my sex bucket list in six months.

SINGLE VS COUPLE SEX: WHO'S ENJOYING IT MORE?

Research suggests married couples have sex more often than single people do, probably because of opportunity. They also report higher levels of general sexual satisfaction. Singles, on the other hand, experience more variety and novelty and score higher on individual enjoyment levels.

Swings and roundabouts!

For singles:

The good: You get to experience what long-term couples miss the most: novelty. The excitement of the very first time you have sex with someone is impossible to replicate, no matter how much effort you put into keeping things zippy.

The bad: Casual sex might be exciting but it's often unsatisfying. It's selfish sex: both of you are often out for your own pleasure. Studies also show women still experience shame after no-commitment hook-ups, despite a more permissive society.

For couples:

The good: Lust might not linger but intimacy is equally, if not more, satisfying. There's a difference between having sex and making love. The more you know your partner's body, the easier it is to make them orgasm. You know each other's triggers, what works, what doesn't. While some are more likely to walk on the wild side with a stranger, others find they're more open to erotic adventures with a partner they know and trust.

The bad: Making love to the same person for the rest of your life has obvious drawbacks. Humans quickly desensitise to habitual stimulation: this isn't helped by the fact that most couples do exactly the same thing, in exactly the same order, every time they have sex.

'That was seven years ago. I moved to London soon after that first, life changing weekend. I'm still single and living it up. I've nothing against settling down when I find the right person, but I love the freedom that being single offers. I love not having to answer to anyone, to be able to come home when I want, stay out when I want, see who I want. I like making decisions on my own. I even love cleaning and making sure my flat looks tidy: I'm a neat freak, my wife was a bit of a slob. You have to like your own company, but I can see why lots of people are choosing to avoid relationships and stay single.'

I'M NOT SURE I EVER WANT TO GET MARRIED OR HAVE CHILDREN

Becky has just finished an Arts degree

'I’m 26 and have never had a "proper" boyfriend – as my Dad calls it. He doesn’t understand why not, and I can see he’s trying to work up the courage to ask if I prefer women to men. I don’t.

'Truth is, I don’t see the rush to get into a relationship. I know he and my Mum were serial monogamists from age 16 or something but that’s not happening in my generation. I can get sex whenever I want, so that’s no reason to be with someone.

'No-one in my friendship group is in a relationship – there’s about 10 of us, a mix of genders and sexualities. Maybe it’s because we have such a good group of single friends, that none of us feel the need to have a relationship with one person.

'I don’t need a man to make me feel "whole" or "complete". They are such dated concepts. I’m not sure I ever want to get married or have children. When I do have a serious relationship, I might choose not to live with them. I don’t want to have to do things I don’t want to, just to keep a partner happy.

'I’m not cynical and I do believe in love. I just don’t see it as my parents do. I don’t want to merge into "one", I want to retain my independence and individuality. Until I figure out how to do that and still be with someone, I’ll very happily live alone.'

BEING SINGLE SUCKS. I HATE IT

Alex, 32, has never had a long-term relationship

'Single is fine if you’re attractive and well-off and have lots of friends. Not so much fun if you’re short, broke, and shy.

'I have never had a girlfriend, even though I’d desperately love to. Part of the problem is my job – I work in IT and work from home, so never meet anyone. The other reason is I care for my mother who is elderly and needs looking after. I’m not exactly a catch.

'I’m desperately lonely most of the time and envious of what I see happening on social media. I get that some people prefer to be on their own but there’s a difference between being alone and lonely. My Mum isn’t company: she’s sick and not interested in talking. I’m not good at making friends and so all I do is work.

'I’ve tried dating sites but I’m not a looker, so it’s pointless. I can count the number of sexual encounters I’ve had on one hand. Life was better when I was at school because at least I was around other people and there was hope. I am technically a virgin and worry that if I do meet someone, that will put them off.

'I would give anything to be in a relationship. To be loved and touched and cared for and to do the same back. Being single sucks. I hate it.'

*Some names have been changed

Visit traceycox.com for Tracey’s books, product ranges and podcast, ‘SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey’. Her newest book, Great Sex Starts at 50, is available from all booksellers.