Psychologists reveal the CORRECT way to apologize: Experts detail the most effective method for saying sorry... so, have YOU been getting it wrong?

They say that an apology can go a long way - but have you been owning up to your mistakes correctly?

Well, psychologists who have studied apologies for more then 20 years have now revealed the right way to say you are sorry.

Harriet Lerner and Karina Schumann recently shared their expertise with Today as they emphasized the importance of admitting when you are in the wrong.

Harriet, who is author of Why Won't You Apologize?, said: 'We all hurt other people just as we're hurt by them. So, the need to give and receive apologies is with us until our very last breath.'

Both she and Karina, who is an associate professor of social psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, agreed that it can be tricky to find the best way to deliver something heartfelt - but shared their tips for getting it right.

Harriet Lerner (left) and Karina Schumann (right) recently shared their expertise with Today as they emphasized the importance of admitting when you are in the wrong 

Both agreed that it can be tricky to find the best way to deliver something heartfelt - but shared their tips for getting it right (stock image)

'To hear those words of recognition that you're aware that something has happened that's upsetting or problematic for this person, and that you're not making excuses for it,' Karina told the outlet.

Harriet agreed, adding: 'When an apology is absent or we muck it up, it can put a crack in the foundation of a relationship, or it can even end a relationship.'

She explained that it is often important to apologize even if we do not think we are necessarily at fault or in the wrong.

This is because the absence of an apology can sometimes cause more upset than the initial misstep itself.

Harriet divulged: 'The courage to apologize and the wisdom and clarity to do it wisely, and well, is at the heart of everything that's most important. It's at the heart of parenting, leadership and friendship.' 

The expert dished that apologies are vital to holding ourselves accountable and bolstering our sense of personal integrity and self-worth.

Elaborating further, she explained that saying sorry can stir feelings of vulnerability and, since our brains are naturally defensive, many people can find it difficult to when it comes to apologizing.

This can then also result in focusing on our perception of what is true or false, instead of hearing the person out about their issue, and then being solution-oriented. 

But it turns out that there is a correct way to apologize and it goes beyond just saying 'I'm sorry.' 

The first step to any meaningful conversation is the willingness to hear the other person out.

'Sit in the hot seat and listen with an open heart to the anger of the wounded party,' Harriet dished. 

She insisted that it is important to put aside any defensiveness and truly attempt to see it from the other person's perspective.

It is also essential to remember that, particularly if it is a big betrayal, it might not be possible to air all feelings in one conversation but it is important to see the process through.

Next, the experts explained that choosing the right language was key to taking 'clear and direct responsibility.'

Harriet said there should be no caveats to the apology - meaning it should never include the word 'but.'

The experts agreed that this could be a promise to alter future behaviors or vowing not to make the same mistake again (stock image)

The best apologies do not shift the focus to mention the other person's reaction because that dilutes taking ownership.

'You don't apologize for someone else's feelings, which maybe implies that if they were a little tougher and they weren't so sensitive, maybe they wouldn't be so hurt,' she shared. 

The third factor in crafting a heartfelt apology is stating an intention to make up the damage with a 'corrective action' which can help rectify the situation.

The experts agreed that this could be a promise to alter future behaviors or vowing not to make the same mistake again. 

Similarly, it can be beneficial to take the initiative and tackle the issue head on.

'We always wait for the hurt party to bring it up, but an important part of reparation, when it's something important, is to take the initiative to bring it up,' Harriet divulged.

The next part of getting an apology right is allowing space and time for forgiveness because after all is said and done some injured parties may not be ready to move on right away.

Karina shared: 'Some think an apology is just not enough for some types of offenses. There shouldn't be an onus and pressure on victims to forgive immediately when they receive an apology.'

She warned that sometimes, no matter how sincere we are, the 'sorry' is a great starting point but are part of a 'longer process of accountability.'

The final tip that the psychologists gave is that it is important to work together toward an end goal, as Karina added: 'It takes two.'

There are also no time limits on apologies.

Harriet said that 'it could have been something that happened a very, very long time ago' but better than than never.