I survived my suicide jump: My spine is split in two and I am disabled for life... but here's how I finally found happiness

In March of 2018, 16 year-old Valerie Eng leapt off the edge of a tall building hopes of her short life. Miraculously, she survived. 

But the injuries she sustained from the crash on the concrete left her with horrific, life-altering injuries. 

Her spine 'snapped in two' and she sustained multiple open fractures in both her feet and back. At 16, she was now permanently reliant on a wheelchair.

Now, six years later, the Singaporean has shared her story in a powerful interview charting her recovery from the event that 'destroyed my entire body' and how, out of bleak darkness, she found a reason to live. 

After her initial suicide attempt at age 16, Valerie Eng was in and out of hospital for various surgeries on her spine, legs and feet

In the interview, Eng, now 24, details the moment she regained consciousness after her fall.

The first thing she remembers is being in immense, immediate pain. She described how she tried to move around, desperate to find a position that was less painful, but couldn't. 

She recalled feeling the pain and thinking, 'this is what living is like.'

In the years since, she's had several surgeries to repair her feet, toes and back, but her spine never fully recovered. She has limited movement in her legs and is wheelchair bound. 

Eng has struggled with her mental health since middle school. She has visible self-harm scars along her forearms where she used to cut herself daily after school.

She told Homeground Asia these destructive tendencies, and her eventual suicide attempt, came from dealing with borderline personality disorder (BPD).

BPD is a wide ranging diagnosis. It tends to include strong mood swings, feelings of shame about oneself, impulsive behavior and difficulty remaining stable relationships, according to New York Presbyterian. 

Approximately 70 percent of people with borderline personality disorder will attempt suicide at some point in their life, studies suggest.

Starting in 2014, when she was in middle school, Eng's BPD caused her to have psychotic episodes, in which she saw faces on the walls and barbs in her skin, which were 'overwhelming'. 

Though she was talented academically, and performing well in school, she felt isolated. 

Eng lives with borderline personality disorder, and initially struggled to accept her new disability. But the support of friends and outlets like poetry have helped

She said the school did their best to support her, but their efforts were lacking. 

'I feel like [the school was] very scared of me because they didn’t know what to do. They didn’t want to hurt me, but at the same time, they didn’t want [me] to hurt other student,' she said. 

This led her to transfer schools shortly before her attempt.

She called this the 'lowest point of my [her] life'. 

After her jump, her mental health didn't immediately improve. She said she had multiple, 'haphazard' suicide attempts in the years following. 

Looking back, she said this is because she was frustrated with the fact she wasn't able to die. 

She missed doing the things she used to do- like playing tennis -which became more difficult and costly due to her reliance on a wheelchair.

And it made her feel lonely to see her peers going to college while she was in the hospital, falling behind on her studies. 

But eventually, after her spinal condition worsened and she began to accept her disability, she started to see glimmers of hope. 

Support from her family, friends and doctors led her to a new philosophy - that life is worth living. Before her suicide attempt, she 'never really had any hope or any visions for the future.' 

When she decided to accept her condition, she recalled thinking to herself: 'If I cannot walk, I cannot walk. And I will not fight against it, because it does more detriment to my body than good'. 

She began giving herself permission to enjoy things again and Eng'S therapist told her to constantly check in with herself, and ask, 'what do I need?' 

A friend, who is a psychologist, also recommended Eng continue writing poetry, a hobby she had picked up in the hospital while she was recovering.

At this prompting, Eng realized she had something to look forward to when she left the hospital - she had a sense of purpose, which is key to leading a happy life.

Even simple things, like her grandmothers gardening, can be enough, she shared. 

Prior to her suicide attempt, Eng said one of her favorite things to do was play tennis. Since leaving the hospital, she's begun learning how to play wheelchair tennis 

Eng said that fighting against her disability did her body more harm than good. The only way to improve her condition was to accept it

An estimated 703,000 people die from suicide each year, according to the International Association for Suicide Prevention. The number of attempts is likely much larger, but it's difficult to know since these attempts often go unreported. 

Since 2011, Kaiser Family Fund reported that the suicide rate in America has gone up at least 16 percent - with 39,518 suicide attempts in 2011 and 49,369 occurring in 2022. 

People with depression are 20 times more likely to attempt suicide than non-depressed people, according to the IASP.

Now, Eng dreams of going to a university, playing wheelchair tennis, and opening a bookstore one day, saying her hope for the future is what drives her. 

She said: 'Just having that dream, even if it's unattainable, even if you don't get it, you were living for something.'

Psychology supports this idea, as studies have found people with a purpose in life live longer, make more money and are healthier than people without a purpose Anthony Burrow, a Cornell psychologist and director of the Bronfenbrenner Center for Translational Research said. 

And purpose doesn't need to be a high-reaching goal - it can be something as simple as wanting to be a good parent.

Eng raised money to buy herself a custom wheelchair made for playing tennis. Practicing makes her feel strong, she said

'Purpose isn’t some grandiose, ethereal thing. It’s something you can carry around with you and articulate in clear, specific, simple ways,' burrow said. 

Even with a renewed purpose in life, things aren't simple for Eng now, she said. She's still actively learning and adapting to life as she gets older. 

But things are getting better. She's documented her efforts to raise money to buy a special tennis wheelchair in 2020, and has been practicing frequently. 

'Playing wheelchair tennis after the incident makes me feel very strong, because it reminds me that even though I have lost so much, I can still reclaim back some parts of myself,' she said. 

Also, she used the time she spent in the hospital to catch up on her studies, and has taken some of the exams needed to qualify for college.

She's surviving, and enjoying the time she has. 

'I think that's what life is, just to be content,' she said.