DEAR JANE: I accidentally invited the woman who is having a brazen AFFAIR with my best friend's fiancé to DINNER with her

Dear Jane,

My wife and I are having some friends over for dinner in a few days – and one of our guests asked if she could bring along a plus one. We have plenty of space, so we said yes, excited that we might have a new member of our friendship group!

But while I was doing the seating plan, I realized I didn’t know the name of the plus one, so I asked my friend to text me her information. 

When she responded, my jaw dropped. 

The woman in question has a very unique name and I quickly realized that she’s the very same person who has been having an ongoing affair with the fiancé of one of our other guests. 

Dear Jane, I've accidentally invited the woman who is having an affair with my best friend's fiancé to dinner with her - and I don't know what to do 

The fiancé will not be joining us because he has plans with his children from a previous marriage – but his partner will be there and she has no clue that he’s been carrying on this relationship behind her back.

However I know that the woman having the affair will likely recognize the woman her boyfriend is engaged to…

I don’t think anyone else has realized that they’re both going to be in the same room together and I’m at a loss for how to handle it. If I disinvite someone I’m worried it will look rude or, even worse, raise suspicions. But if they both turn up, that could result in an even more horrifying situation.

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers' most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column

Please help!

From,

No Clue What to Do

Dear No Clue What to Do,

We always get into trouble when we try to control outcomes, or intervene in things that have nothing to do with us.

Complicity in affairs – knowing that a friend of yours is having an affair – is always a heavy burden to bear, and think, if you didn’t know anything about the affair, you wouldn’t be stressed out now. You would have been delighted at the plus one, and wouldn’t give it a second thought. If the guest recognized the wife, or behaved strangely around her, it’s likely that you wouldn’t even notice.

I agree that there is no easy way out of this, so I would suggest letting the chips fall where they may. Be the gracious hosts, and know that other people’s bad behavior has nothing to do with you. A large glass of wine may help.

And, the next time a friend starts to tell you about an affair, stop them. I don’t believe it’s fair to bring other people into situations that give them no choice but to be complicit.

Dear Jane,

My husband and I have been happily married for seven years. We have a great marriage and relationship and comfortable life we’ve built together. So why write you might ask? 

Well, just before my husband and I started dating, I’d been having an on-again-off-again romance with an ex that went on for years. We weren’t right for one another in a relationship, but the sexual chemistry was so great that we just kept reconnecting – and it was only when I met my husband that I was able to break up with him once and for all.

While sex with my husband is different than with my ex – more loving, but perhaps less passionate – I knew that I’d made the right decision in choosing a loving relationship over one that was based purely on lust.

But lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my former partner. Not just thinking about him, but fantasizing about him and the moments we used to have together. And what doesn’t help is that he’s been getting back in touch with me, telling me that he’s been thinking about me a lot, too. 

He knows I’m married and over the past seven years any messages that we’ve exchanged have been friendly and nothing more. 

But recently that’s changed, and we’ve been sending each other flirty texts that are getting more and more sexual in nature, even admitting to one another that we miss those past hook-ups. And now he’s making it very clear that if I can find a moment to steal away that he would want to resume our sexual relationship.

Suddenly I realize how easy it would be to meet up with him after work then one thought leads to another…

Maybe it’s just the seven-year-itch, but here I am knowing how much passion I have with this other man, and knowing that other man is reaching out to me now and wants me as much as I want him. 

I do not want to betray my husband - the relationship and partnership with him is worth more to me. I think. But I am so tempted to meet up with my ex. So what do I do? Carry on a steamy affair that could risk my marriage, or stay in a secure marriage but never be fully satisfied sexually? Is there even a path where I can get over this desire and temptation and find that satisfaction with my husband?

From,

Led Into Temptation

Dear Led Into Temptation,

Well of course you’ve been thinking a lot about your former partner – the fact that he is sliding into your DMs, reminding you of a perfect past (that probably wasn’t all that perfect, or why would he be an ex?), and a hot sex life means it’s only natural that you’re thinking about him.

Fantasizing about an ex, idealizing a sex life with that sex, is a convenient and common way to avoid the messy and often hard work of sustaining a marriage. Far easier to lose yourself in flirty, sexy messages that make you feel seen, than to focus on your happy, comfortable, and perhaps a little dull, marriage.

But the truth is, most marriages become what I call “pots and pans” after a while. However passionate they may be in the beginning, after a few years we get stuck in our routines, take one another for granted, and that safe, loving marriage can start to feel lackluster, particularly when compared to an idealized lustful relationship from the past.

You say you don’t want to betray your husband, so…don’t. However sexy the emails from the ex make you feel, however good the sex life, it is absolutely not worth throwing away a loving marriage to a good man for a few decent rolls in the hay.

Lust is a powerful emotion, and one that is hard to walk away from, but walk away you must. Stop the emails, recognize them for what they truly are – not a reminder of great sex, but a regular dose of dopamine hits, which are addictive, and dangerous. 

Imagine the pain you would cause your husband, and the regret you would feel breaking up your marriage for a few nights of passion. How do we know it will only be a few nights? Because passion doesn’t last, the ex is an ex for a reason, and the prospect of illicit sex is always more exciting simply because it is illicit.

Most of all, know that the grass is greener where you water it. The sooner you end the emails and start putting the focus back on your marriage, the better for all. I can promise you that if you jump into an affair, you will end up with a broken heart and a life filled with regret.