DEAR JANE: My own sister GHOSTED me after I got pregnant

Dear Jane,

My sister and I have never had the easiest relationship – there's 12 years separating us (I was the 'whoops' in the family!) so we didn't spend a huge amount of time growing up together and she never really showed interest in bonding once I'd moved out of our parents' house.

I've tried a lot to connect with her and, after my husband and I moved back to the town where I grew up, we started to finally bond a bit. We scheduled weekly 'sister nights' where we'd go out for dinner, usually get a bit tipsy, and complain about our respective spouses, and she'd moan about how awful her kids were behaving.

Then, two weeks ago, I found out that I'm pregnant. After what has been a really tricky IVF journey. And I couldn't wait to share the news with her. 

Dear Jane, my sister ghosted me as soon as she found out I was pregnant - she hasn't spoken to me since I shared the news with her

I confess I did it in a slightly cringe-worthy way; when the waiter came to take our drinks orders, I asked for a 'virgin margarita' thinking that my sister would pick up what I was putting down. But she missed it and instead just insisted on order me a normal one – so I ended up blurting the news out.

Maybe I was naïve for expecting her to be thrilled for me, but her unimpressed reaction kind of… shocked me?

She sat there for what felt like a few minutes and then just said, 'Oh so you're not going to drink then? More for me I guess.' Not so much as a 'congratulations'.

We carried on with our dinner and covered all the usual topics, but the news of my pregnancy wasn't mentioned again. I assumed she was maybe tired or perhaps feeling nostalgic for the times when she was sharing pregnancy news, so I let it slide.

But when I texted her a few days later to arrange the location of our next night out, I didn't get a reply. I followed up and once again was totally ghosted.

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At that point I got a bit worried so I texted her husband who said he'd make sure she'd got my messages, then… nothing.

I'm really worried that this all has something to do with my pregnancy, but I can't work out whether she's annoyed about it for some weird reason, or upset, or jealous. Whatever the reason, I'm not sure if I should give her space to deal with it or just keep badgering her until she responds?

What would you do?

From,

Pregnant Pause

Dear Pregnant Pause,

First of all, huge congratulations on your pregnancy – what an exciting time, particularly given how grueling IVF can be. With such big, life-changing news, we expect those around us to share in our joy, and I understand just how hurtful it is when your news, and happiness is completely ignored.

More so when it is from a family member, and one you have worked hard to bond with, despite there not being a natural connection in the beginning.

There are a couple of things that jump out at me, the first being that when you do get together with your sister, you both focus on what's wrong in your respective lives, complaining about spouses and kids, which is not a healthy dynamic for anyone, family or not.

What I know to be true is that life is where you look. If you focus on what's wrong, you will always get more of it. It is very easy to stay focused on the negative, which can create a life devoid of joy. When we're not happy in our lives, our marriages, someone else's good news is not something we are able to rejoice in.

I urge you to feel compassion for your sister, and drop any expectations of her sharing your delight. I'm not sure she's capable, and life is so very much easier when we are able to meet people where they are. 

Do not let her inability to rejoice with you taint your enjoyment of this pregnancy.

Her behavior has nothing to do with you. You have to detach from wanting her to be someone she is not, and do or say something she is not capable of. Let go, and surround yourself with people who are truly thrilled for you.

Blood is not always thicker than water, however much we wish it were so. Sending much love to you and your future baby.

Dear Jane,

I'm a married, stay-at-home mother-of-two, live in a comfortable house, in a wonderful neighborhood. And I'm bored out of my mind.

It sounds crazy – believe me when I say both of my kids, who are under the age of 10, keep me plenty busy during the day – but the monotony of my life is really starting to get to me. 

It's the same thing day in, day out, and I can't push aside this feeling of wanting to just break free from all my responsibilities and head for the hills.

Listen, I love my family. I do. And there's no way I would actually take off and leave them behind. But the constant cleaning, organizing, driving them around, cooking dinner… it's too much. It's so dull!

Most of my friends are in a similar boat to me in that they're also stay-at-home moms, but none of them seem to have the same problems with it that I do. When I've mentioned it in the past they've made comments about how it must be nice for me to have enough free time to feel boredom. But that's not it at all. My day is full of activities, but those activities are doing nothing to enrich my life.

My own mom keeps telling me to get a hobby but I feel like pottery class or language courses aren't going to help get me out of this rut.

Any other ideas?

From,

Bored to Tears

Dear Bored to Tears,

There is nothing in your letter that makes you sound crazy. As a mother who worked throughout her pregnancies, who pretty much single-handedly supported her family throughout, I can completely empathize.

There are plenty of women, as you have found, who love being a stay-at-home mom. But it is not for everyone. 

Whenever I give talks to young women, I advise them to always have something for themselves. Working (or fundraising and acts of service) allows us to be defined as something other than someone's wife, or someone's mother.

Some women are delighted in the role – the number of emails I used to receive from addresses like [email protected] was astounding. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with being a stay-at-home mother, but unless you keep something for you, a space in your life where you are fulfilled not as a wife or mother but as a woman, nine times out of ten when the children leave home, you will find yourself completely, and utterly lost.

You're experiencing it earlier than most. Make the change. 

I would suggest you find a part-time job that allows you to be there for the children when they need you, but fulfills that part of you that is dying. You don't have to explain your choice to anyone. 

Many will not understand, but know that if and when you are happy and fulfilled, your children will be happier too, and you will be setting them a wonderful example of what it is to be a multi-faceted secure and contented woman.