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How to become the sexiest person in the room: A top psychotherapist lists six ways to turn yourself into an object of desire - and it's NOT about your looks…
Who wouldn't secretly enjoy being the sexiest person in the room? Of course, most of us consider it impossible. We believe our age, face or figure rule us out. But happily, we're mistaken. 'This has nothing to do with looks or overt sexuality,' says relationship and psychosexual psychotherapist Clare Faulkner. We all know people who aren't conventionally beautiful or handsome, but who become increasingly attractive as we get to know them (disappointingly, the opposite is also true). Anyone can boost their sex appeal. Here, Clare lists the vital ingredients and skills to becoming an object of desire…
FOCUS ON FEELINGS, NOT LOOKS
Confidence is undeniably attractive. When you exude self-assurance and you feel comfortable in your skin, others are naturally drawn to you. So how can we nurture it? Developing confidence is about knowing your worth, your strengths, and learning to be unapologetically yourself. Developing a unique style is part of this. It's not about dressing 'well' or 'sexily', but presenting yourself in a way that suits you. Style can reflect your personality and make you feel confident. We can also get better at trusting ourselves by tuning in to how we feel, rather than what we look like.
TV chef Nigella Lawson is the epitome of being the sexiest person in the room
RELAX YOUR STANCE
Body language is a huge part of this. Think about cultivating a relaxed posture, making eye contact, smiling often - using your body in a way that's welcoming and draws people in. Use gestures and facial expressions to convey warmth and interest. This also ensures that confidence doesn't tip into arrogance (although that too can be sexy, especially if we're up for a fling rather than marriage!). But usually, when there's a conversational spark, it's not because one person is talking nonstop. There's balance, an equal sharing, a give and take - a fine dance is taking place.
WHY TEXTING IS SO UNSEXY
If you're fidgety, nervous, or distracted, your focus is inward. By contrast, people who have 'presence' seem comfortable and at ease with themselves. Because they're not self-conscious, they're able to give others their full attention - to really notice what's going on - which is very beguiling.
You can help cultivate this calm by practising yoga, which connects you with your body and the outside world. When we feel balanced and unstressed, we're more available to engage with other people.
Or, if yoga isn't your thing, just try to hit the pause button. We're all so busy, always focused on work or 'life admin', it makes it harder to connect with people. We need to soften more, be intuitive, and slow down. So try to remain in the moment. Turn off your notifications, and put that screen away. When you're stuck on their phone, texting away, it's very unsexy. It doesn't make you look important or in demand, but instead sends a signal that you're just not connected with the person in front of you, which is very off-putting. If you want to be magnetic, try being fully present in the room, not in the corner on your phone.
GET GLOWING
Charisma is about how you carry yourself, and it's also about how you interact with others. The energy you project is important (if that sounds woo-woo, think about how some people make you feel tired and deflated, while others seem to light up the room with joy). It's not difficult to glow with gorgeous energy. It's about being engaging, being genuinely interested in the other person, and really listening. When you're curious, and ask questions - in a natural way rather than a rat-a-tat-tat interrogation-style - that enthusiasm is infectious and exciting. People feel a frisson and they don't want to leave your orbit.
'Sensuality is defined in the dictionary as "the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure".
QUICK-WITS WIN HEARTS
Being genuine plays a significant role in sex appeal. So embrace your own unique quirks and interests, foster a sense of purpose, and let your real personality shine through. Authenticity is the key here. Don't try to be someone you're not. Being passionate about what matters to you is captivating. That said, extreme earnestness can be a little emotionally exhausting - which is why humour and authenticity are great bedfellows. Quick-witted intelligence is very sexy.
CONNECT TO THE SENSORY WORLD
Sensuality is defined in the dictionary as 'the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure'. But putting sexual pleasure aside for a moment, there's something very seductive in a person who revels in simply being alive and using their senses. To me, that's what sexy is. If you can, really embrace your senses fully. Connect to your sensory world, whether it's savouring the feel of the air on our skin, the smells of spring, or the taste of delicious food. Eroticism is not something that just happens between the sheets. When we're connected to our senses, it radiates out. Not convinced? Two words: Nigella Lawson. So many men say'the way she talks about food - she is so sexy'. Another great way to brush up on your sensory connection is to dance. So if you want to enhance your sex appeal, eat, dance - enjoy life!