Are you having enough sex? Our intimacy coach reveals eight ways to have more - and make it better than ever

If you find the idea of sex is slipping silently down your 'to do' list, and you're increasingly noticing a libido mismatch with your significant other, it might console you to know you are not alone.

A large survey published earlier this year by my online sex education platform, Beducated, found that a paltry 40 per cent of us rate our sex lives positively. Almost two-thirds of the 1,800 respondents said they felt 'neutral', 'dissatisfied 'or 'very dissatisfied' with their sex lives. One in five confessed to being completely out of sync with their partner.

It seems there's a silent epidemic of apathy and miscommunication in the bedroom which is hitting mid-life couples particularly hard. The good news?

If you're stuck in a sex rut, or struggling to find any semblance of desire, there are  solutions.

Read on to find out how to close the sex gap...

Charge-up your intimacy batteries

In long-term relationships, women often see a faster drop off in libido than male partners. Our survey found one in four women experience low or absent libido - nearly double the rate for men - so there's little wonder so many heterosexual couples talk about a sex-drive mismatch.

But intimacy is like a phone battery that needs to be charged every single day. Dr Juliana Hauser, Beducated's libido and desire expert, suggests thinking of the sexual connection between you as a 'runway rather than a pit stop' and making a point of peppering your day with small gestures (a little wake-up kiss on the lips, a foot rub or a sexy text message) to build connection and nurture intimacy.

These little tweaks will accumulate through the day, nudging dormant feelings of desire to make you more likely to be open to intimacy.

Hit the gym

Your mental and physical health plays a vital role in how you feel about yourself. If you're not confident, that self-consciousness will creep into the bedroom.

But 40 per cent of respondents in our survey said they'd like to feel more confident in the bedroom. And our data found regular physical activity - even as little as once a week - boosts sexual satisfaction, desire and confidence. Gym-goers were 22 per cent more likely to report being 'satisfied 'or 'very satisfied' with their sex lives than those who don't exercise regularly.

Physical activity delivers a rise in feelgood hormones and, usually, body confidence. Dr Hauser says this might increase the range of positions you feel inclined to try in bed, and will certainly improve your ability to stay sexually active for longer.

Let's be honest, the results can also impact your sexual attraction to your partner and them to you.

Sniff his sweaty shirt

Don't underestimate the power of smell! We are highly sensitive to the pheromones in our partner's sweat and women may have evolved in such a way that a man's smell can trigger ovulation and a surge in libido. 

If you seldom cuddle, you could be missing out on the libido-boosting effects of his man scent. So give him a big hug when he gets back from work or sneak a sniff at his sports shirt.

The REAL foreplay

Stress is a huge mood killer: 61 per cent of our survey participants said it directly impacts their sex life. Women can be disproportionately affected, reporting that dealing with daily stressors can leave them too exhausted to be intimate. 

It can be really tricky to switch from one role (parent, worker, dogsbody) into a space where you sexually connect. So don't even think about any kind of sexual foreplay until you've cleared the decks of libido-limiting and stress-inducing mental clutter.

Dr Hauser recommends dumping distracting thoughts by writing a 'to do' list and leaving it in the kitchen. Put your phone out of reach - there's nothing sexy about pre-coital doom-scrolling.

Flip your sex script

Don't let sex become a repetitive chore. Dr Hauser's 'Four Quadrant' exercise is a great way to spice things up. Sit down together and write a long list of every kind of sexual action you can think of, from kissing to something outside your comfort zone. Then, working individually, put each action into one of four quadrants:

• Something you have tried and want to try again
• Something you have tried and don't think you'd want to do again
• Something you haven't tried and are curious to try
• Something you haven't tried and are pretty certain you don't want to try

Going over your charts together can spark ideas for experiences you might both like to try (as well as the chance to call 'time' on activities you no longer enjoy).

Plan a non-food date night

While you might worry that putting sex in the diary strips spontaneity from the act, it can be a gamechanger for couples who struggle to find time to be intimate.

But a big fancy dinner will only leave you feeling bloated and sleepy. Get those creative juices flowing instead by earmarking an evening to read an erotic novel together, sign up for a tango class, or relax on a spa day. Time spent together in a relaxing environment can have a huge intimacy-boosting effect.

Stare into his eyes

Long-term couples rarely look into each other's eyes. Studies show men very often stare deeply into a woman's eyes at the beginning of a relationship, yet over time the habit fades. But women crave 'the gaze' and this simple act can help re-ignite a dormant libido.

Try this exercise: sit opposite each other somewhere comfortable and spend two minutes looking into each other's eyes. Dr Hauser suggests trying this with your bodies not touching, and then again with your knees just brushing: 'The experience can really intensify when you add physical touch,' she says.

Let's talk about sex

Feeling unable to voice your desires, needs and boundaries is a very big issue: a staggering 95 per cent of our survey respondents said they wished they or their partner would communicate better.

Dr Hauser says feeling emotionally connected is a big turn-on and communication is paramount.

If the thought of talking about sex makes you uncomfortable, try post-orgasm pillow talk when oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is flooding through your body.

Try asking: What do you fear about sex? What do you desire when it comes to sex?

As told to Louise Atkinson

• Mariah Freya is founder and CEO of www.Beducated.com which is an online sex education course platform for adults

• Dr. Juliana Hauser is licensed therapist, psychosocial educational expert, coach, and author of A New Position on Sex (published Autumn 2024) www.dr-juliana.com