What happens when you marry the man you had an affair with? TRACEY COX speaks to three women to find out 'was it all worth it?'

Only five to seven per cent of affairs lead to marriage. Of those that do, 75 per cent fail.

These are the stark statistics for people who marry the person they had an affair with.

Not all affairs are the fault of the person having one: some relationships are toxic, and often affairs are a form of self-preservation.

But there's an inherently ugly side to the standard affair, as you are betraying the very people who love you - your partner, children and your family.

And when the affair is discovered, the aftermath is rarely pretty.

British relationship and sex expert Tracey Cox speaks to three women who had affairs to find out 'was it all worth it?' (stock image) 

Is it any wonder that, when people who have been cheating finally get together as a legitimate couple, it's a case of 'be careful what you wish for'.

So, is it possible to have a happy marriage when you both know what you are capable of? Can you ever truly trust the other person? Is innocence lost forever?

I spoke to three women who married the men they had affairs with. From three different generations, they all answer the question: 'Was it all worth it'?

*All names have been changed

'I TRIED TO TURN SOMETHING BAD INTO SOMETHING GOOD BY MARRYING HIM. IT WAS A DISASTER'

Trish, 36, had an affair with Andrew for six months before leaving her husband. She instantly regretted it, but still went on to marry him.

'I wish someone had told me the truth about what happens when you marry the person you had an affair with - that it's doomed to fail. It would have saved me a world of pain. I deeply, deeply regret doing what I did. I made a mess of my life.

'The man I had the affair with was short, weedy and pale. My husband was tall, handsome and oozed charisma. I remember looking at Andrew after I'd left my husband and the spell had broken, wondering, "What the hell was I thinking? Did I lose my mind?".

'I think you do lose your mind when you have an affair. It's a fantasy world. Emotions are big and way more intense.

'My affair was about sex and not wanting my husband to be the last man I ever slept with. I got married at 30, but it was still too soon for me. I loved my husband, but the timing was wrong.

'I met Andrew at one of my husband's work events. He introduced me to a female client of his and said, ''You two will really get along''.  

'She then introduced me to her friend Andrew and facilitated the affair. Even though he wasn't attractive, something stirred in me. For six months, Andrew consumed my every thought. I was only alive with I saw him; I sleep-walked through everything else. 

'My husband and I would go out with friends and I'd take myself off to the loo where I could give into the longing for him. We'd meet for an hour, here and there, and the sex was amazing. I don't know what made me elevate such an ordinary, quite annoying - as it turned out - man into a God.

Tracey (pictured) said: 'Only five to seven per cent of affairs lead to marriage. Of those that do, 75 per cent fail'

'I didn't leave my marriage for Andrew; there were lots of other reasons. But we were still having an affair when I did. I remember going to see him after that awful conversation with my husband and, instead of relief, I had a sense of foreboding.

'We stayed together, and the next two years were a blur. It was starting to hit me what I'd done. When Andrew asked me to marry him, I shocked myself by saying yes. Looking back, I did so because I felt such tremendous guilt for leaving my husband - he fell to pieces and I never forgave myself. Marrying the person who had contributed to all that pain surely meant my motives were pure? It was love that made me do it and how can love be a bad motive?

'The wedding was awful. Just a few mutual friends – mostly his - and I have never seen myself look more miserable. 

Andrew never trusted me: rightly so. It wasn't that we both knew what each other was capable of. It was because I was clearly so emotionally distanced from him. The amazing sex we had while having an affair petered out fast once our relationship was in the open.

'I was in secret contact with my first husband from the moment I left. I couldn't abandon him; he was a mess. I didn't want to get back with him, but I felt terrible for doing what I did. We stayed in contact until he remarried and his wife banned it.

'I left Andrew one year into our marriage. On our first anniversary, I told him I couldn't do it. What a mess I caused! And for what? A bit of hot affair sex? It took years for me to forgive and like myself again.

'I don't recommend having an affair. It turns you mad. And I certainly don't recommend leaving your partner for the person you cheated with.'

'I HAD AN AFFAIR WITH MY HUSBAND'S BEST FRIEND AND NOW WE'RE ALL FRIENDS AGAIN'

Sandra, 49, was married to her husband for 13 years before leaving him for his best friend James.

'No one wanted us to end up happy. We'd done the worst thing possible, inflicted the worst possible pain. I had an affair with the man my husband had been best friends with since the age of five. 

'His two favourite people in the world were me and James. If something had happened to me, James would have helped him through. If something happened to James, I would have helped my husband. But what happens when both of us disappear? We didn't just pull sink the ship, we took away my husband's lifeboat as well.

'We're all nice people and no one wanted to hurt anyone else. James and I had feelings for each other for a decade before we ever admitted them to each other. I didn't fall out of love with my husband; I never stopped loving him. But I fell more deeply in love with another man, and that was stronger and so powerful, I had to act on it.

'When I first met James he was married. Then it ended. The foursome we'd had turned into a threesome, and we spent lots of time together. It never felt weird: we all got on so well. But as the years went on, I found myself becoming more attracted to James. I had no idea it was reciprocated. I fell in love with him, week by week, year by year. I didn't admit it to anyone, not even myself.

'My husband went to visit his sister about 13 years into our marriage, when I was 35. James asked if he should come over as usual, and I said yes. We were alone together for a whole weekend, for the first time. 

'We had a drink and the tension was unbearable. I'd sensed by then that the feeling was mutual, but I wasn't sure. He looked at me and said, "How the hell are we going to tell him?" And with that one sentence we both knew we had to be together. It also meant we had to hurt the man we both loved.

'I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through what we did. Telling my husband, watching him try to understand, was horrendous. He told both of us he never wanted to see us again, and he didn't for a year. One or two friends stuck with us, but almost everyone treated us like we were the scum of the earth. We felt like that as well. Thank God there were no children involved.

'We both missed my husband terribly. We both felt so weighed down with guilt. We loved him, but how could we help him when we'd caused all the pain?

'One year in, my now ex-husband contacted James and asked to see him. He wanted answers. James assured him that nothing physical had happened between us before we had told him. 

'We never touched or kissed or even admitted our feelings to each other until that weekend. 

That seemed to calm him. Six months after that, he asked to see me. I cried for the first hour: the guilt I still felt was unbearable. He was such a wonderful man and didn't deserve the pain. He cried, too. I answered all his questions and we hugged at the end.

'That was the beginning of the healing. I am so happy to say that my ex-husband is now a part of our lives again. He has met someone new, who we like and accepts us, and we catch up once a month. It's only now that we have started to really relax and enjoy each other's company. I never, ever doubted that leaving was the right thing to do. 

'Staying wasn't an option, because it was disrespectful, but our happiness was hard won. I try not to judge in situations like ours - you can't ever look in on other people's relationships.'

'I HEARD HIM ASK HIS DAUGHTER IF HIS WIFE WOULD TAKE HIM BACK. MY HEART BROKE'

Marion, 77, had a ten-year affair with her husband, Chris. They are still married after 30 years, albeit unhappily on his part.

'I met Chris in a pub in Norfolk on a night out with a girlfriend. He was on his own: he lived in London but travelled a lot forh work. I hadn't been chatted up in years and it was exciting. He asked for my phone number and we began an affair that lasted ten years before we were found out.

'Chris was also married, with three kids. His was one of those marriages where they'd protect each other from anything "bad", but they never talked honestly to each other. This, of course, made for a life lived only on the surface. Being able to be truthful with me was a big part of the appeal.

'I would have left my husband and family within a week of meeting him. I knew he would be the love of my life, even though he wouldn't say the same thing.

'I wanted him to leave his wife, but he tried hard to stay with her. Then his daughter found out and all hell broke loose, and his wife chucked him out. To this day, I'm not sure what he would have done if she'd forgiven him. I know he asked to come back. 

'Chris's daughter didn't speak to him for ten years. His other kids were reasonably accepting, though there were a few drunken arguments over the years where they accused me of breaking up their family. All of his children struggled with relationships because of trust issues and jealousy, and blamed us for it.

'I never felt guilty about what we'd done. It felt like it was all out of my control. I met a man, fell deeply in love, and did everything I could to be with him. I didn't focus on the pain we caused. 

'I don't honestly think he did either. I did it for love, but I now believe my husband chose me simply because I worshipped him. Today, you'd call him a narcissist.

'It all turned about 20 years ago. My husband didn't do well with retirement. He hated not being the boss, being in charged and admired. My adoration wasn't enough. 

'He went to the wedding of one of his children. I didn't go and he got to spend time with his family, and was suddenly acutely aware of what he'd given up. I don't think he ever stopped loving his wife. His perspective changed. He'd accuse me of "luring him away", and he'd say he was happily married until he'd met me.

'I heard him tell his daughter that leaving his wife was the "biggest mistake of his life". A year later, I heard him ask her if she thought his ex-wife would consider taking him back. The idea was ridiculous. His wife lives alone, but is very happy and surrounded by lots of friends and family.

'We are old and don't have any friends. We were in our 40s when our divorces happened, and they weren't that common back then. A lot of friends ostracised us. We didn't care because all we wanted was each other. 

'Now my husband tells me to my face what a big mistake it's all been and that he has never loved me. He can't really mean that because it would mean my whole life has been a lie.'

Season 10 of Tracey's weekly podcast, SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey, starts today. Listen wherever you find your podcasts. Details of Tracey's ranges, books, blog and podcast on traceycox.com