DEAR JANE: My family has been torn apart by an argument over a RECIPE - their insane behavior is driving me crazy

Dear Jane,

I honestly never thought I'd write these words but… my family has been destroyed by a stupid argument over a recipe and I'm stuck in the middle of a horrible feud with no idea how to fix it.

I know it sounds crazy, but this whole situation has spiraled out of control so quickly that I'm worried it's going to ruin relationships permanently at this point.

To explain, my grandma passed away a couple of months ago. We were all so sad because she really was the glue that held us all together, as corny as that sounds. 

Every holiday would be celebrated at her home, every birthday would be marked by a gift and a card from her, and it felt like she was always the one passing down stories and traditions to all of us. So, when she died, I think everyone was worried that we'd lose all of those special things that meant so much to her.

Dear Jane, my family has been torn apart by a ridiculous fight over a recipe - and I'm worried it's never going to be the same again 

In the end, her death actually sparked kind of a battle between my mom and her sisters over who was going to be the new 'top dog' in the family. They had little fights about who would host dinners and who made a better version of nana's favorite dishes… which is what then led to an crazy argument about her old recipe books.

My nana used to make this famous – well, at least to us! – pasta dish. It was something we ate all the time as kids and she'd make it for us every time we got together at her home when we got older.

It was very much her recipe and even her kids didn't know how it was made. 

Before our first family gathering after she died, my mom and her two sisters started squabbling about it. My aunt, who is single and doesn't have kids of her own, bore the brunt of a lot of the organizing of my nana's stuff, so she ended up with her recipe book. 

My mom and her other sister insisted that she hand it over, but she refused, and instead offered to have everyone over to her home, where she'd make the pasta.

In the end, we all went to my aunt's house and to her credit, she did a great job with the pasta. We all thought so. But then the squabbling started about the recipe yet again. 

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers' most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column

Every time we've gotten together, it's been an argument. My mom and her sister have even taken to hunting around in my aunt's house to try and find the recipe book – and when she caught them going through her underwear drawer the last time we were there, she said they were no longer welcome, and even threatened to burn the recipe so nobody could ever have it again.

That was about two weeks ago and they still haven't spoken. Instead they're using me as some weird messenger to relay their bitter insults to one another.

It sounds crazy, I know it does, but I'm actually really scared that a plate of pasta is going to drive a wedge into my family that can't ever be removed.

So what do I do?

From,

Recipe For Disaster

Dear Recipe for Disaster,

Despite the fact that I am now hungry, and dying to know the recipe behind your grandmother's pasta dish, I can only imagine how disconcerting it must be to watch your mother and her siblings devolve into their most childlike selves.

You may be able to leave the family, but the family, and specifically your roles within it, will usually stay the same. Battling for their mother's attention sounds like something your mother and aunts have experienced for years, and now they are battling for the treasured role of top dog.

You describe your late grandmother as the glue that held the family together. The thing about glue is that it lasts only as long as it lasts; when the glue disappears, the thing that was being held together will instantly fall apart.

There won't be another glue, for nobody can step into that role, and it may be that the sisters have to get through their grieving period alone before they can come back together and acknowledge their petty behavior, and their pain.

And, it may be that there is a rupture that lasts far longer. 

Either way, your role is not to heal the wounds of your family, nor to be the messenger. 

Your peace is at stake, so you need to set a very clear boundary: tell each one that you love them, you hope they can figure it out amongst themselves, and you are not comfortable being put in the middle, and don't want to talk about it anymore.

Stick to your guns, however horrified they will be. Remove yourself from the drama, because your job is not to fix it, nor to step in to parent adults who are acting like children. 

I hope they figure it out, and I hope you look after yourself.

Dear Jane,

After several years struggling with metal health issues - during which time I became a bit of a recluse - I have finally decided to give life a second chance: therapy is going great and I even re-started college.

Naturally of course, with all this, I find myself longing for romance again.

The problem is I ended my last relationship as an attractive 31 year old, and now at 38, with a belly, some wrinkles and thinning hair, I simply don't get noticed as much as before.

I used to turn heads in the street, and now suddenly the streets are not only full of young girls showing plenty of skin, they're also full of men who won't stop looking at their phones.

I never really used dating apps when I was trying to meet people before – but now people are telling me that's the only way to find someone? I know that they're good for connecting with people, but I also know that they're heavily image based and that really throws me off. At this moment I'm very dissatisfied with my body and overall appearance so the idea of guys judging me based purely on photos is terrifying.

How do I come out of this? Any advice you can give would mean a lot.

From,

Hopeful Phoenix

Dear Hopeful Phoenix,

Oh my darling Phoenix, I wish you weren't so hard on yourself, I wish you could turn the clock forward to 48, and 58, and so on, when you will look back at photographs of you at 38 and know exactly how beautiful you were.

They say age is just a number, but beauty, my darling Phoenix, has nothing to do with age. Beauty shines from the inside, from the confidence that comes with accepting yourself exactly as you are.

Nobody cares about a belly, wrinkles or thinning hair nearly as much as you'd think. 

And there is nothing more beautiful than a woman comfortable in her skin, a woman who doesn't care about her weight, who can step on a dance floor and let the music transport her to another dimension.

Dating apps can be huge fun in the beginning, but demoralizing after a while. 

Better to focus on building up a full life, stepping out of your comfort zone, meeting new people not with an agenda of romance, but of expanding your life and embracing it all. 

And, I would love to see you talk to your therapist about giving you affirmations, or meditations, and really work on learning to love yourself.