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Should you lie about your sexual past? TRACEY COX reveals why it sometimes pays to keep quiet - as women reveal their experiences with men who couldn't handle the truth

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Have you told your partner the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about your sexual past?

It's a rare person who hasn't massaged or edited at least a few details - rightly so, in my opinion. It means you're sensible and kind. Full disclosure might sound admirable but it's not always the best option.

It doesn't mean you're being dishonest, ashamed of what you did or deceitful if you don't spill ALL your sexual secrets to a new partner.

What's the point of revealing things that might hurt and upset someone you love, if they have no bearing on the future?

Having said that, not sharing any secrets at all is equally as damaging. Like most things in a relationship, balance is best.

British relationship and sex expert Tracey Cox revealed if you should lie about your sexual past and the impact of revealing it (stock image)

British relationship and sex expert Tracey Cox revealed if you should lie about your sexual past and the impact of revealing it (stock image) 

'I told the truth and this is what happened': People reveal how it went when they opened up about past sexual encounters

'I have never lied about my past, even though it's colourful. If they can't handle it, they aren't the right person for me.'

'Ignorance is bliss. I don't want to know anything. I don't want them to know anything. Our previous sexual experiences should not impact what happens today.'

'All my boyfriends were pathologically jealous and insecure. It took a friend to point out that might be because I told all the guys I went out with so much about what I got up to with previous lovers. Including how many affairs I'd had. Now I keep my mouth shut and that problem has disappeared.'

'I don't want to hear any stories – unless they're told to make me look great in comparison.'

'I've never met a man who's coped with knowing I've had dozens of lovers. Anything over ten isn't acceptable. Don't be fooled into revealing your number: even to men who pretend to be cool about past lovers.'

'We were both a bit drunk and talking about stuff we'd done sexually. He confessed to a threesome with two men, so I confessed to my threesome with two women. He never let me forget it. He insisted I get an STI test (even though it was years before) and then dumped me saying I wasn't the person he thought I was.'

Share enough about your past to give your partner a flavour of what you want sexually from them in the future. 

Do they really need or want to know all those seedy secrets? Does your body count – the amount of lovers you've had before them – even matter in this sexually liberated age? Here's my take on what to reveal and when.

SIX GOOD REASONS TO REVEAL YOUR SEXUAL PAST

If you're getting hot under the collar by me merely suggesting you shouldn't share all, I'm betting your motivation is this.

You want to be authentic. Our sexual adventures are part of our identity. They don't define who we are they have helped shape us. Long-lasting, rewarding relationships are based on a foundation of openness and honesty. You don't have to spill all your secrets but if you're concealing a big chunk of them, there's substantial evidence this will have a negative impact both on your mental health and your relationship.

You want to build trust. Sharing intimate details from your past creates trust because it shows you're willing to be vulnerable. This is particularly true if you reveal things that aren't so lovable about yourself. Doing this works favourably for both of you because it creates the basis of 'warts and all' love - the thing all couples ultimately long for. They know all your bad stuff and still love you! This means you can reveal your true self and still be loved, too.

You want to reveal your 'sex personality'. Talking about what you have and haven't tried, what's completely off-limits and what isn't, helps you to understand each other's values, boundaries, and expectations when it comes to sex and relationships. If you're had an adventurous past, you'll probably want an adventurous future. If your partner's uncomfortable with that now, imagine what they'll be like ten years in.

You want to set up good sexual communication. If you're open from the start about sex, it doesn't usually turn into a no-go topic. Being able to talk easily about your pasts gets you in the habit of being honest about the future. What you're genuinely enjoying and what you aren't.

Tracey (pictured) said: 'Share enough about your past to give your partner a flavour of what you want sexually from them in the future'

Tracey (pictured) said: 'Share enough about your past to give your partner a flavour of what you want sexually from them in the future'

You want to help your partner understand you. Revealing insecurities or traumas lets your partner see the 'true you'. You had a lover who said you were terrible at oral sex? Letting your partner know, explains why you aren't being rushing to please them. If you've suffered sexual trauma or abuse, certain triggers may make you feel extremely upset or uncomfortable. Knowing what they are and why, makes life so much easier for both of you.

You may be judged. If your partner has different views or values about sex, revealing intimate details about yourself can lead to you being judged or stigmatised. The early you discover this, the better.

Revealing your past is a damn good way to find out if your partner is as kind and open as you think they are. Double standards often apply – and they're not just gender based. Think hard before committing to someone who deems you 'unworthy' based on a body count number that's too high for their liking.

'He encouragd me to tell all - then shamed me': Suzie was married for 23 years and was a virgin on her wedding night 

'When I found out my husband had an affair, I was knocked sideways. But my over-riding reaction was jealousy of a different kind: I also longed to sleep with other people. I was jealous that he was getting to do things I wanted to, while I was expected to behave myself.

Our split was amicable. I was 45 and still looked good. I joined a salsa class and suddenly this world opened in front of me. There were men everywhere, all paying me attention. The dance scene is promiscuous: don't let anyone tell you otherwise, and I was like a kid let loose in a sweet shop. For four years, I had lots of sex with different people – and I don't regret a single encounter. I have never felt so desired and so alive. Eventually, of course, I wanted to settle again and after a while, found someone.

We had good, adventurous sex and I think that's what lulled me into a false sense of security. He asked me about my past encounters, and I happily told him, no details spared. I was quite proud of all I'd done after having had such a boring sex life. This was at the start, and I honestly thought he was enjoying hearing about all my escapades. He certainly pretended to.

Once we started getting serious, it was another story. He asked me to get tested for STIs because I'd had 'so much sex'. Then the moral judgement started: didn't I feel bad for the wife (I'd had an affair with a married man)? Didn't I feel 'used' by these men? Didn't I feel a bit 'slutty' doing what I did? The comparison game followed. Didn't I miss so-and-so since they were such a great lover and gave me the best orgasms I'd ever had? How did his penis compare to the guy who was 'really big'?

I felt defensive and confused. He told me about his sexual past, with lots of details, and it didn't bother me at all. Why the double standard? After months of being made to feel bad about myself, I left.

I learned my lesson. I am with someone else now and while they know I had a few lovers after my marriage ended, I didn't supply any more details other than that. In retrospect, I was perhaps a little too enthusiastic about how good all those lovers were. It was a lot to live up to. No-one should be shamed though. That's not on.

GOOD REASONS TO KEEP IT TO YOURSELF

Looking at it from the other perspective, it's not just you who could feel judged…

They may judge themselves. Hearing about previous lovers can make your partner feel jealous or lacking in something. Particularly if you've had more partners or experiences than they have. Even sexually secure men can feel a bit nervous waving you off for a hen's weekend, after hearing the hilarious story about you getting mindlessly drunk and ending up in bed with the waiter on a previous girl's trip.

It can lead to uncomfortable conversations that are hard to forget. Some people are happy and curious to hear their partner's former exploits. If you're in a polyamorous relationship (where each of you are happy with the other having other sex or love partners), you're happy hearing about current adventures as well. Others would rather pretend they unwrapped their partners fresh from the box. If your partner doesn't want to know what you got up to before them, respect that. Ditto if they don't want to reveal all. For some people, once told means never forgotten - they can't stop picturing you with another person.

It's normal to want to keep certain details private. We curate everything else we tell our partners – beef up our achievements and downplay our perceived failures. Why wouldn't we do the same with our sexual history? It's totally acceptable to want to keep certain scenarios, events, or details of ex-lovers to yourself. Never feel pressured to disclose details you're not comfortable sharing.

There's just one scenario where this doesn't apply…

HOW TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL HISTORY (WITHOUT IT ALL GOING HORRIBLY WRONG)

There are no golden rules about what and when to tell your partner about your past. It depends on each of your upbringing, personality, moral code, self-esteem, intimacy level, own personal experiences and sense of humour. But doing the following will help it go smoothly.

Decide what you want to reveal and why. Are you worried you'll get found out? Is it because a past sexual trauma is stopping you enjoying sex now? Keep it simple. Write down the top three things you want your partner to know about your sexual past (I went through a bit of a wild patch/Something awful happened to me). Then write down why you want to tell them (I don't want there to be any secrets/This has shaped who I am today).

Wait until trust is established. Telling someone you care about intimate details about yourself puts you in a vulnerable position. Don't do it until you trust that your partner will react sensitively and respect your privacy.

Start slowly and gauge their reaction. Share a mild, light story about your sexual past. Pay attention to their reaction and read their body language to determine how comfortable they are hearing this. Drop it and rethink if their reaction seems extreme or judgemental.

Focus on feelings and values not events and numbers. Talk about how your past experiences shaped your attitudes, boundaries or expectations about sex and relationships. What's the bottom line? (I'm an explorative lover and want to continue to try new things.)

Share what's relevant, leave out what's not. Very few people want to know all the gory details – particularly the ones that involve you having great sex. Don't boast, don't tell stories just to make yourself look good or to get back at them for something they told you.

Answer questions - but only those you're happy to answer. If they pressure you, say, 'I've told you what I want you to know for (whatever reason you're telling them). I'm not comfortable sharing any more details than I have. I'm sure you understand and will respect that.'

YOU DON'T HAVE TO REVEAL YOUR NUMBER BUT YOU MUST DO THIS

The number of lovers you've had is your business. But the amount of unsafe sex you've had is most certainly your new partner's concern if you haven't been tested.

If you have had unsafe sex, get a full screening for STIs – regardless of whether you've met someone or not. You can do that by visiting your GP, a sexual health testing centre or by buying an at home testing kit.

If you have an STI that's there for good – HIV or Herpes, for instance – this is something you must be honest about. Use condoms and practise safe sex – which includes abstaining completely if that's the only thing that will keep the other person safe – with casual partners. With people you want to have a relationship with, complete transparency is a must.

Always remember though, nice people get STI's too. If your partner reacts negatively or judges you harshly, better to find out now rather than get your heart broken later.

Want to find out more on how to handle sex dilemmas? Listen to 'SexTok with Tracey and Kelsey' wherever you find your podcasts. Visit traceycox.com for her blog and lovehoney.com for her product ranges, Edge and Supersex.

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