DEAR JANE: My daughter-in-law is a TERRIBLE mother - I don't feel safe leaving my grandchild with her

Dear Jane,

My son and his wife - who I've never really liked, if I'm being totally honest - welcomed my first grandchild last month, a beautiful little girl. 

As I'm sure you can imagine I was overjoyed at welcoming her into the family, and I made sure that both my son and his wife knew that I'd be there to help them with whatever they needed, particularly in the first few months after the birth.

I know how difficult things can be for new parents; I remember myself being terrified that I was going to do something that might harm my son or that I'd make a mistake that would have a horrible effect on him later on in life.

Parenthood is a lot of pressure - and a lot of work - and I wanted them to know that they could lean on me. But to my surprise they never seemed to need, or want, my help.

Dear Jane, I don't think my daughter-in-law is a responsible enough parent to care for my grandchild - but I don't know how to tell my son 

When my granddaughter was two weeks old, I decided to pop round for an impromptu visit, but when I got there, nobody was home.

When I phoned my daughter-in-law, she said she was out for a girls' lunch and told me she'd be home in 30 'after she finished her wine'. Now I don't mean to judge too harshly but the idea that my daughter-in-law had taken her two-week-old baby out to a girls' lunch where they were consuming alcohol just seems... irresponsible to say the least.

Well since then, there's barely been a day when she's been home. She goes out to lunches and dinners all the time, sometimes with friends, sometimes with my son, and seems to have no regard whatsoever for my granddaughter's comfort or safety during these outings. 

When I went out to lunch with her last week, she drank three glasses of wine and joked that she'd need to 'pump and dump' her breast milk so her daughter 'didn't end up getting drunk'.

She hates using a stroller, so she keeps her daughter in a carrier on her chest, and at one point propped her wine glass on her daughter's back and said she wished she'd thought about having such a convenient drink holder years ago.

When we went back to their house after lunch, she had a revolving door of visitors, none of whom washed their hands before picking up the baby, and she happily allowed her to be passed around to everyone, without so much as a glance to make sure they were holding her correctly.

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers' most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column

There are some who will no doubt say I'm being oversensitive and that motherhood looks different for everyone... but I'm growing increasingly concerned about her cavalier attitude to parenting and feel like the time has come for me to say something?

How can I raise these concerns without them cutting me out though?

From,

Grandma Gripes

Dear Grandma Gripes,

First of all, congratulations on your beautiful granddaughter. 

But now I must tell you, unless you want to completely alienate your son, his wife and their daughter completely, you need to step away.

However much you may disagree with how your daughter-in-law is parenting, this is her child, not yours. 

Showing up unannounced, offering help when it hasn’t been asked for, casting a critical eye over how they are choosing to raise their daughter, is only going to lead in one direction, and it’s not a good one.

Your job as Grandma is to be whatever the mother needs you to be. 

Wait for her to ask for help and advice rather than offering it unsolicited. Voicing your opinion, especially a critical one (however right you may be), is likely to do nothing other than make the mother want less and less to do with you.

I can feel how concerned you are, but generations of babies survived without everyone washing their hands, and your granddaughter will too.

Remember, your daughter-in-law too is finding her feet in this new role. Being a new mother is unutterably lonely, and she needs a community of other young mothers to help figure things out. 

Be there as a loving, non-judgmental help, and I suspect your relationship will bloom.

Dear Jane,

I'm 24 years old and I still live with my dad. My mom passed away when I was a baby and my dad has been single ever since, so the two of us have always been really close. 

When the time came for me to choose a college, I looked all over - including several that were on the other side of the country to where we live... but in the end, I felt so guilty about the idea of leaving my dad that I ended up going to a school near home.

At which point my dad said I may as well live at home and save money rather than racking up insane debts by trying to pay for housing of my own.

My dad was pretty cool about letting me get involved in college social life, and I'd often stay with friends on campus if I went to a party or anything like that. But two years after graduation, I'm still living at home, and every time I try and bring up the idea of me moving out, my dad kind of shuts down or makes an excuse to change the subject, or says something like, 'Why ruin a good thing?'

I don't want to hurt his feelings and I know he must be terrified about the idea of living alone after all this time, but I'm desperate to finally find some independence.

I've never really dated as an adult - if you can even call me that - and it's starting to get really embarrassing telling people at work that I still live at home. 

I make enough money to afford rent and while I'm so grateful to my dad for allowing me to live rent-free for so long, I feel like it's time that I get to experience life out there in the real world, without the safety net that he's provided for all these years.

How do I tell him without hurting him?

From,

Picket Fence Prison

Dear Picket Fence Prison,

I’m so glad you have written, and that you are expressing your need for independence. While it’s understandable that you and your father are close after the death of your mother, you are right to seek independence.

A parent's job is to raise their children to be thriving, independent adults who can make their way in the world, functioning successfully and autonomously from their parents. 

Enmeshment – when family members are emotionally reactive to one another and unhealthily intertwined in ways that prevent them from living their own lives - is what is happening here, and I commend you for recognizing that this is not a healthy pattern.

As wonderful as it is to see how much you care about your father, it is not healthy for either of you. You need to build your life, and you can help your father build his without you. 

When he next says, 'Why ruin a good thing?' explain that it’s time for you to spread your wings and experience life as an independent adult, and that he needs to do the same. Encourage him to take up classes, hobbies, ways to meet other people and build a healthy social life that does not revolve around you.

If he continues to struggle, please find a mental health professional for him to talk to. It may well be that even after all these years he still hasn’t dealt with the grief of losing your mother. It’s time for him to process that grief, and let you go.