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SAUCY SECRETS: My partner butt-dialled me during a bucks party and I heard something unforgivable… what should I do?
Dear Jana,
My partner went to a bucks party last weekend and accidentally butt-dialled me while he was organising escorts to come to the house that he and his mates rented for the weekend.
I haven't brought it up with him yet, but I'm heartbroken. Do you think it's cheating if he slept with an escort? How do I bring it up?
Dear Alice,
Had you asked me this question a few months ago I would have been shocked. Shocked I tell you! But I recently asked my strong male following to tell me what goes on at bucks parties during one of my Monday night Instagram Saucy Secrets confessionals, and to say my jaw hit the floor would be an understatement.
Sure, I think we all know about the beers, the strippers, and the ridiculous hazing rituals that men take part in during these debauched events. But what I wasn't prepared for was the deep sexual undercurrent. The infidelity, the experimentation, the escorts, the pack mentality.
Bucks parties are not for the faint-hearted, and sadly, yes, escorts can play a part in them. But do I think it's cheating? Technically, yes. Emotionally, no. Now hear me out… When men get together they rev each other up. While we women are happy to attend 'life drawing' classes on our hens and giggle as we paint penises, many men tend to take it to a whole new level.
Jana Hocking shares her best Saucy Secrets - and trademark sassy advice
They think it's 'just a bit of fun' to dip their pen in someone else's ink pot. It's not some deep connection, it's simply an exchange of services. And whilst this may seem gross, it's also not uncommon with a recent survey revealing one in five men have used escort services.
It sucks that you overheard what they were getting up to, it really does. But you want to approach this in a calm manner. Nothing gets solved in a shouting match. He is going to want to deny it at first, so don't expect all the answers straight up.
Simply tell him how it made you feel and let him go away and process two things: First, that you know; and second - the impact it's had on you.
If he truly cares about you he will be remorseful. If he responds in anger, then it's clear that he's a buffoon and it's time to say too-ta-loo.
Men. Can't you just get excited over a set of boobies getting wobbled in your face? Why you gotta be so EXTRA?
Dear Jana,
I consider myself straight. I've dated men my whole life and enjoyed their company and the sex.
But I've recently discovered sexual feelings for a new female friend. She is feminine, very attractive and the way she interacts with me seems flirty.
After we hang out, I can't stop thinking about her. Can sexuality change later in life?
Dear Coco,
Umm… if you haven't had a crush on at least one friend of the same sex have you even lived? I distinctly remember mine. It was in high school and she was the first in our group to get boobs. I don't know if it was the FOMO of not yet having my own set of ta-tas or just the fascination, but all I know is I wanted to touch them.
I too, went through the existential 'what does this meeeean?' moment, but then I pashed a guy called Ben with big brown eyes and broad shoulders and off I happily went down that path.
I don't think it means your going to change sexuality altogether, I think it's just taken you by surprise. As I've said time and time again - sexuality sits on a spectrum.
Jana shares advice on what to do if your partner has used an escort
There are those who sit firmly at one end known as 'completely straight' and those at the other end who are 'completely gay' and then that glorious space in the middle where people sit all over the place.
They may be 80 per cent straight and 20 per cent gay. Or 50/50 or 30/70. Some may shift a little to the left from time to time, others a little to the right.
Nothing in life is absolute, so why are we putting sexuality into such strictly labelled boxes? We humans are famous for our shape-shifting ways.
It's why there's such sayings as 'gay at the gates' when people go to jail. Because we're sexual beings, and even when locked up and away from our usual 'type' we can still form crushes. No matter how brief.
Just ask any bloke who has been to boarding school. In fact, even Benedict Cumberbatch hinted at experimenting during his attendance and he's now a happily married man from all accounts.
And then there are those famous words from our Queen Samantha in Sex and the City who said 'I'm a trisexual. I will try anything once'.
So why not dabble? It's the only way we find out what we like. No existential crisis required. Just a good dose of exploration. Perhaps it's not the genitalia that defines our preferences, but the person. I know. Groundbreaking.
Dear Jana,
My boyfriend has permanent bad breath. How do I bring it up with him without hurting his feelings? It's really giving me the ick.
Jana Hocking (above)
Okay, Sophia, I've been in this situation before so let me tell you what worked for me.
I brought up subtly that I was going to the dentist that week for a long overdue appointment. Then I oh-so-casually said to my man-friend: 'When was the last time you went?'
When they tell you something bonkers like, 'Oh, years ago!' You can act all mock-concerned and say 'Right! I'm booking you in this week'.
If they fight it, tell them some outrageous story about someone who put off getting a dental check-up and then had to get all their teeth removed. Scare them into the damn dentist seat for a good clean.
And I'm telling you, nothing makes you embrace flossing more than the disapproving grunt of a dentist looking deep inside your mouth.
Breath sorted. Also make sure to always carry a packet of mints. The ol' 'would you like a piece of gum?' is good for those emergency quick fixes.'
