DEAR JANE: My husband is REFUSING to let me see my dying ex-boyfriend one last time

Dear Jane,

Earlier this year, my ex-boyfriend got in touch to tell me that he’d been diagnosed with terminal brain cancer – and to ask whether I would consider visiting him one last time because there were some things he wanted to say to me.

The two of us broke up eight years ago, and the split wasn’t great. I thought he was the guy I was going to marry… until I found out that he’d been cheating on me with a close friend, who eventually became his wife.

Over the years, I managed to move on, largely thanks to my husband, who I met around six months after the break-up, and who was instrumental in piecing me back together as it were. 

He was so understanding of my need to move slowly in our relationship, and when we married three years ago, I knew that everything had happened for a reason because he was the guy I was always meant to end up with.

Dear Jane, my ex-boyfriend is dying of cancer and wants to see me one last time - but my husband won't allow me to visit him

I’ve also worked hard to forgive my ex and his wife, and truly harbor no ill will towards either of them. 

So when my ex reached out, it caused a lot of mixed emotions, the first of which was heartbreak for him. 

He’s in his early 40s and to hear that his life could be cut short at such a young age really devastated me. I also felt a pang of… love, I guess? Some of those feelings that I once held for him swelled up inside me for a moment, and combined with my grief over his diagnosis, I got pretty overwhelmed.

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I ultimately decided that I wanted to see him, to give him a chance to get anything off his chest that might help him to find peace during this horrible time, and also to achieve a true sense of closure for myself, as selfish as that might sound.

But when I shared the message with my husband and told him that I was going to arrange a visit to my ex, he very firmly stated that it was a bad idea and that it wasn’t something he could condone. 

He said that he didn’t want me to risk my own mental health and wellbeing to fulfil the desires of a man who had hurt me so terribly in the past, and said he was afraid that seeing my ex would send me into an emotional spiral that I’ve spent so many years trying to move past.

My husband doesn’t have a controlling bone in his body so I don’t think this reaction is coming from a place of jealousy or anything like that, I do think he wants the best for me. 

But I know deep down that what is best for me is to see my ex – because I know I’ll regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t. 

I just don’t know how to express this to my husband without hurting him or making it seem like I’m a glutton for punishment who doesn’t want to listen to his advice.

How do you suggest I go about it?

From,

Final Wish

Dear Final Wish,

I am so sorry that you are going through this, and sorrier still that your husband doesn’t understand. You say he doesn’t have a controlling bone in his body, but yet he is stopping you from something that is important to you.

It’s not up to him to protect your mental health and wellbeing. You’re not a child. You’re an adult woman who is allowed to see who you want, particularly an ex-boyfriend who clearly has unfinished business, and who has expressed a dying wish to – we can imagine – clean up his side of the street while he still can.

I suggest you tell your husband that you are not his property. That you are old enough and strong enough to make the right choices for yourself, and that you are choosing to honor the feelings you once had for this man, and to give him the opportunity to say things he might want to say so he can die in peace. 

Tell your husband that you hope he isn’t uncomfortable, but if he is, perhaps he can find a therapist to figure out why he is threatened by this.

I wish you luck, and strength, and most of all, peace.