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The four things you MUST do before you tell your partner it's over, reveals a top divorce lawyer - or you risk being left with nothing...
As a seasoned divorce lawyer, I should have seen my own divorce coming, yet I was completely blindsided.
It was an ordinary Thursday morning in 2003. I'd been busy getting our daughters, then aged four and eight, ready for school and I popped my head round my ex-husband's study door to ask what he'd like for supper later. Instead of the reply I was expecting, he said: 'This isn't working.'
In an instant, his totally unexpected and devastating words changed the lives of me and my children.
After 13 years of marriage, despite all the usual struggles of balancing work, family and life, I had thought we were doing fine.
My initial reaction was utter disbelief and I asked: 'Is this some kind of joke?' But I'd seen that steely, hardened look on client's faces and I knew — with horror and deep sorrow — that he had already mentally checked out of our relationship.
Divorce lawyer Sheela Mackintosh-Stewart has decades of experience immersed in the turmoil of unhappy and warring couples
In fact, he had been planning that bombshell for some time and I was served with divorce papers soon after.
Sadly, mine is not an uncommon divorce scenario.
On reflection, I am still astonished that, despite my decades of experience immersed in the turmoil of unhappy and warring couples, I could have missed the warning signs. Perhaps, like many of my clients, I'd chosen to ignore or overlook them. It is clear to me now that I had been sleepwalking my way into divorce. And I'm far from alone.
My own experience of divorce has undoubtedly deepened my comprehension and empathy for the pain and suffering my clients experience, making me a better divorce lawyer. And today I actively work to help divorce-proof marriages.
The latest statistics show that one in three marriages break up, and, if my observations are correct, at least one of the other two in three marriages are not particularly happy either.
In my 30-year legal career I've advised more than 400 couples, guiding them through some very complex, high-profile cases involving multi-million-pound settlements, and I have learnt to spot the troubling behavioural patterns that can so easily derail relationships.
Sometimes, by the time a person seeks my advice, it's too late to save their marriage. But in my experience, if your relationship has been going sour, you usually have 18 months to two years of persistent disgruntlement and discontent before either of you completely checks out.
This critical 'relationship rescue' window is your chance to try to repair those fractures, perhaps even pull your relationship back from the brink.
Here's what to do if you find yourself in it.
Put your eye back on the ball
My first plea is vigilance: don't let a good relationship fall into a state of disrepair while you're preoccupied with other responsibilities.
If you've taken on the role of bringing up children, running the house and also trying to keep your career bubbling, as I did, it's all too easy to lose sight of prioritising your relationship.
I see it all the time. If I'm brutally honest, this was one reason why my previous marriage failed.
I'd taken charge of the day-to-day care of our children, but I was determined not to give up my thriving legal career.
Yet, at times of high stress (setting off for a long day at court as the nanny calls in sick), I did resent my ex-husband for not leaning in more to help with the girls. His frequent work travel added to the strain.
When he finally dropped his 'this is not working' bombshell, it was already too late to work on our marriage, despite my best efforts.
In hindsight, we didn't dedicate enough time or energy to better communicate and repair our relationship frustrations. Make sure you do.
The latest statistics show that one in three marriages break up, and, if Sheela's observations are correct, at least one of the other two in three marriages are not particularly happy either
Make your sex life sizzle
It would be a mistake to underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship.
In my professional experience, I've noticed a massive connection between the loss of interest in sex by one of you, and the appeal, for the other, of having an affair to make up for the lack of intimacy.
A sexless marriage doesn't always spell doom and it is not unusual for the volume on sex to dial down with time, but a mismatch of sexual needs and desires can cause resentment and frustration.
I'll never forget one woman who came to me for advice because a friend had spotted her husband at an industry function, on the dancefloor in a passionate clinch with a blonde. The friend was gushing about how wonderful it was to see her still smooching with her husband after all these years.
My client — who also has blonde hair — hadn't been at that party. He was clearly having an affair.
In cases like these, I always ask if the couple share a marital bed (if the answer is 'no' that's a red flag for me). She told me: 'Oh, we don't have sex any more. I shut up that shop ten years ago! Who needs sex when we can Netflix together?'
Because she had lost interest in sex, she had wrongly and naively assumed her husband felt the same.
Sheela says it would be a mistake to underestimate the importance of sex in a relationship. Don't ever get out of the habit of having sex — it's a relationship muscle that must be exercised
Sadly, she'd left it too late to fix the marriage. By the time she filed for divorce, her husband had moved in with his mistress and already started shifting assets around to thwart her from getting too much of 'his' wealth.
I listen to women complaining that they're not attracted to their husband any more (he no longer smells good, he's gained weight, he leaves toenail clippings in the bathroom...), but if you want to make a marriage work, you've got to look for ways to maintain and build an emotional and sexual connection.
Better still, don't ever get out of the habit of having sex — it's a relationship muscle that must be exercised.
To keep the flames of intimacy roaring, you've got to stoke that fire regularly.
This doesn't mean gritting your teeth and doing something you don't want to do, but it does mean honestly discussing the subject, and getting counselling if necessary.
If you are not in the mood for sex, tell him gently why. He's not a mind-reader. Share with each other how your needs and desires may have changed over time and discuss possible ways to better satisfy each other.
Help him through his midlife crisis
Never underestimate the impact of midlife crisis on men. It affects more than half of them and can strike at any time, usually from 40 onwards.
Common triggers range from the trivial (the onset of hair loss) to super-stressors like the death of a friend or parent, overwhelming pressure to maintain a lavish lifestyle, or being passed over for promotion at work. Many men dread their virility slipping away as they enter middle age.
So be on the lookout for mood swings, a fresh gym habit, possibly the classic shiny new sports car, and mutterings about 'growing apart' and 'feeling overwhelmed, trapped and ignored'.
A supportive, understanding, nurturing wife can make a huge difference. But if you're preoccupied or distracted, things can swiftly spiral out of control.
Many clients I see don't talk much with their partners, but good communication and active listening are crucial.
Start the ball rolling by checking in with him. Try 'I can see you're troubled, tell me what I can do to help you' — or sit down together with a bottle of wine and ask him about one aspect of your relationship he would like to see improved (more time and space, a reignited sex life, getting finances under control).
If you suspect he might be having an affair, ask him outright. Many women overlook signs or avoid confrontation, but addressing underlying marital issues now may save you heartache later.
Remember the grass is not greener
It is unwise to think that if your relationship isn't perfect, or as fulfilling as it once was, or life has become dull and boring, that you should wriggle out of this marriage and look for a better one.
This is especially true for women in their 50s. Unless the marriage is toxic or abusive, it is often wiser to nurture your own patch of lawn.
The truth is that no matter how well-off you are post-divorce, a split yields no winners.
Your confused mutual friends may take sides, your children will be worried about how it will affect them, and many struggle to cope.
Besides, the grass isn't always greener. Many divorced women find the search for suitable partners frustrating and end up feeling lonely.
They tell me they don't want to take on a younger man's children once theirs have grown up, and they certainly don't want to assume the role of carer for an older man past his prime.
WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO PROTECT YOURSELF IF IT'S ALL OVER
In my 30-year legal career I’ve advised more than 400 couples, guiding them through some very complex, high-profile cases involving multi-million-pound settlements.
Sometimes, by the time a person seeks my advice, it’s too late to save their marriage. If you have missed the window to save your relationship, don’t do anything until you’ve read this!
If you’ve tried the to save your relationship and failed, you need to act quickly, and quietly. If you’re looking to separate it’s time to prepare your defences and put yourself in the strongest possible position – both emotionally and financially – so you are on the front foot in the event of a split.
FIRST, THINK FINANCES
Many women willingly give up their careers to raise children and support their high-earning husbands. They might get envious-looking lifestyles with nannies, cleaners and gardeners to help them manage their multi-million-pound mansions. A generous monthly lump drops into her bank account, and she has free rein with his credit cards. She has everything she could possibly need.
The worst cases – and the ones I see so, so often – are women who are completely in the dark about family finances. This might seem fine when things are going well, but it can be disastrous if he decides to leave and shuts down payments and credit card access as he goes.
One client had spent years enjoying a life of luxury and discretely ignoring the fact that her wealthy husband kept a mistress. But only when he started bragging to their grown-up sons about his sexual exploits with this other woman did she come running to me.
He immediately cut off her payments and overnight she was left with nothing. The poor woman had to resort to borrowing from friends and selling her designer handbags and clothes to make ends meet until the divorce was finalised.
In her 30-year legal career, Sheela has advised more than 400 couples, guiding them through complex, high-profile cases involving multi-million-pound settlements, and has learnt to spot the troubling behavioural patterns that can so easily derail relationships
So many clients who come to me are financially clueless – sometimes they don’t even know how much their husbands earn. Whatever the state of your relationship, you should absolutely know where the money is and how to access it. And if things aren’t going well, you can’t use ‘hope’ as a strategy. You’ve got to get financially savvy because once that gun is fired, your hands will be tied.
If your relationship has been going bad, there’s every chance your husband might already be siphoning-off funds and taking steps to minimise his financial exposure.
No need to arouse his suspicion, but start information-gathering on marital assets, income, liabilities and debts. Start asking questions, make enquiries – other properties? Offshore accounts? Pensions? Bitcoin accounts? Loans?
Try saying; ‘The husband of one of my friends dropped dead on the tennis court last week and I’m really worried – what will I do if you go under a bus? Where do I even start to find out what we own and access monies to live on?’ Then gently suggest you work together to create a ‘death file’ containing financial and practical documents (birth, marriage certificates, share certificates, passcodes) which either of you can easily access if disaster strikes.
No need to tell him this is your ‘divorce file’ too.
CHECK WHO OWNS YOUR HOUSE
The matrimonial home is often the biggest asset in any marriage, but if the house is solely in his name, there’s nothing stopping him from selling, renting it out or borrowing off the value of the property without your consent. You need to protect your occupation of it.
Never assume your home is registered in both your names (even if he tells you it is). To find out go to the Land Registry (www.gov.uk). For a £3 fee you can ask for a property title deed to be sent to you.
If you discover the house is in his name and not both your names, you can fill out a Matrimonial Home Rights Notice (HRI form) which registers your right of occupation in your own home.
You can do this without your husband’s permission or consent, but he will be notified when the request goes through.
The service is free, but you need your marriage certificate as proof. It takes around six weeks.
GET MARRIED (IF YOU’RE NOT ALREADY)
Many people live together in non-married relationships without realising that the law fails to protect them. You can’t assume you will get half his wealth in the event of a split or death. You won’t, regardless of how long you’ve been together. I’ll never forget the woman who sought my advice because her partner was trading her in for a younger model (she was 55). She estimated his net worth to be over £30 million and asked: ‘We have been living like man and wife for nearly 30 years, so I’ll get half of everything he owns, won’t I?’ Sadly, she got nothing.
In some situations, a lawyer can help to get a fair share of your partners’ assets if you have children or can prove you’ve been paying household bills or mortgage, but no one should be under any illusion how challenging and financially detrimental to you this is if you are not married, especially if you left your job to care for children and your partner is the main breadwinner and homeowner. When unmarried clients come to me for advice on how to avoid these challenges, the only answer is to get married and safeguard your rights.
FATTEN YOUR ‘RAINY DAY’ FUND
Every woman should prioritize having her own personal bank account with enough money to support herself if her relationship fails. I’ve advised my daughters (now 24 and 28) to build a ring-fenced ‘rainy day’ emergency fund before committing to long-term partnerships. It’s crucial to continually fatten this safety net.
It’s never too late to start bolstering it with your own earnings (always strive to stay in work, even if it is part-time because once you switch off that tap, it can be very difficult to turn it back on again and re-enter the workforce) or siphoning off small portions of your ‘housekeeping’ on a regular basis.
As told to Louise Atkinson. www.sheelamackintoshstewart.com, @sheela_mackintoshstewart