DEAR JANE: I discovered my girlfriend has been cheating on me - rather than confront her, I got REVENGE

Dear Jane,

I've been with my girlfriend now for three years and I thought we were pretty happy. Until I found out that she's been cheating on me with a guy from her work for the past six months.

When I found out what she'd been doing behind my back, I was pretty devastated. We live together, have a cat together, and I was seriously thinking about proposing to her.

I didn't want to just outright accuse her of anything before getting all of the facts, so I sat with the information for a few days while I did some digging around on her phone and credit card statements. I made some 'innocent' inquiries with her friends under the guise of planning a surprise birthday party for her.

The more details I uncovered about her relationship with this guy, the angrier I got. By the end of the third day, I had forgotten about any sadness and just felt rage.

Dear Jane, I discovered that my girlfriend had been cheating on me with her employee - I was so angry, I sought the ultimate revenge on her

All I could think about was hurting her in the same way that she'd hurt me. Embarrassing her like she'd embarrassed me.

Yeah it wasn't the most mature response, but I was pissed!

So, I decided to get even. I took all of the evidence that I found while digging into her 'affair' and sent it anonymously to her boss. 

I told him she was having an inappropriate relationship with one of her employees and that the two of them had been using corporate comms to conduct their affair (I found some Slack messages). Then I just sat back and waited.

A few days later, she came home in tears and confessed that she had been fired. When I asked why, she said she 'didn't know' but that she thought one of her 'jealous' colleagues had tried to take her down out of spite.

I'd planned to just dump her then and there, tell her I knew why she'd been fired and was done with her. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. She was so upset, I felt… guilty I guess?

So now here I am, days later, still living with her, still hiding these secrets. And I have no idea where to go from here.

International best-selling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers' most burning issues in her Dear Jane agony aunt column

I still love her, honestly, but I don't know if there's any way forward?

From,

Fire Starter

Dear Fire Starter,

I don't think there is a way forward, and I sincerely hope that you never do anything like this again. 

I do feel empathy for you discovering your partner's infidelity – there is nothing worse than this kind of betrayal from someone you love – but, there is no defense for how you handled it.

Your relationship doesn't stand a chance because there's no possibility for trust, and I imagine it will become harder and harder for you to keep your secret. 

Secrets are sickness – they always infect a relationship, and have a tendency to come out in the end. 

I can't help but think this is not a relationship that is meant to be, despite the cat, despite your thoughts about an imminent proposal. The very fact that she was having an affair would indicate that there may be real issues in the relationship, or with her ability to commit. 

Either way, it does not bode particularly well for the future.

It seems there are two options, one of which involves coming clean with her, letting her know you not only know about her affair, but also played a part in destroying her job. Perhaps you will be able to then do a deep dive on why she had the affair, why you took such punitive actions, and perhaps there will be pieces to pick up, but I suspect not. 

The other option is to end this relationship, move on, and hopefully never find yourself in this kind of situation again. 

If, however, you do ever find yourself in this situation again, I very much hope that you sit down with your partner and tell them that you know, rather than coming up with clever ways to destroy their life.

Dear Jane,

I'm 36 years old and live a very happy life with my partner.

We both work good jobs, we have two dogs, and we recently closed on our first home together, which is incredibly exciting.

Early on in our relationship, we discussed the idea of marriage and kids, and we were both on the same page in knowing that those 'traditional' paths weren't really for us. I don't need a ring to prove to people that I'm in a committed relationship, and I've never felt a desire to become a mother.

And I don't regret that decision for a moment.

But the thing is, my friends seem to think that marriage and babies are really the only milestones worth celebrating these days, and anytime I want to do something to mark anything different (a new job, my house purchase), they make it seem like I'm being over-the-top or boastful for wanting to do so.

Last year, I suggested going away on a girls' trip for my birthday – only for the majority of my friends to say they didn't want to spend the money, or they were shocked that anyone would even want to celebrate a birthday 'at our age'. I threw a party when we closed on our house and wanted it to be black tie, but everyone said they couldn't be bothered to get 'all dressed up'.

Yet when one of my friends' babies turns one, they essentially throw a damn carnival, with balloons and a petting zoo. Yet I'm the one who is over-the-top? Don't get me wrong, I am happy to celebrate their children – I love my friends and their kids – but why should I be expected to ignore everything in my own life just because I don't want babies.

Any idea how I can bring this up to them without seeming even more selfish?

From,

Party Pooped

Dear Party Pooped,

I don't think you're selfish at all. Not everyone has the same path in life, and it is easy to forget that we are not in the same boat. 

New parenthood is so all-consuming, so exhausting, and indeed so thrilling, it can be hard to maintain relationships with anyone other than those who also find themselves newly in 'Babyville.'

Please know that this time will pass; that your friends will find their way back to themselves, and back to those friends, like you, who are not going through the same things at the same time.

Given how absorbing new parenthood is, and how tiring, I am not sure that talking to your friends will change their desire to go on a girls' trip, or get dressed up in black tie. Better I think, for you to accept that you are temporarily at different stages of life. 

Perhaps, instead of black tie for a house-closing party, you think of something that your friends would be able, wanting, and willing to do.

We make friends throughout our lives, and whilst these friends are temporarily on hold, perhaps focus on spending time with other people who are not bound by the same commitments, who are able to celebrate with you in the way you would like.