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When my daughter cut contact with me for four years, I felt my life was over. Here's how we healed our agonising rift - plus the seven steps that will end even the most bitter family fallout
The worst four years of Leslie Glass’s life started with an argument, just the latest in a series of bitter rows with her daughter Lindsey.
But on this particular day Lindsey, then 35, snapped, packed a suitcase — and disappeared. From that moment, she cut off all contact with her mother.
‘I didn’t know where she was, if she was all right, if she could earn a living,’ says bestselling author Leslie. ‘There were so many emotions — shock, sadness, anger that she could treat me like this.
Lindsey and Leslie were stuck in a rut of arguing - then Lindsey packed up and left. But unlike many who suffer family discord, they have overcome their rift and are now closer than ever
‘We’d got stuck in such a rut of shouting at each other, but I loved her. I really believed I’d lost my daughter for ever. In many ways it was like a bereavement. I’d lost my mother at 27 and then at 69 my daughter was gone.
‘I really did feel that there was nothing left for me, that my life was over.’
Despite the devastation caused, cutting off a parent has become more common than you’d think. One in five families in the UK are affected by estrangement, a figure that’s thought to be on the rise.
Reasons for breaking off contact are as varied as families themselves. But psychologists say polarised politics and a growing awareness of how difficult relationships can impact our mental health are fuelling the silent epidemic of parental estrangement.
Family discord is as old as the hills, but these days it’s more acceptable to turn your back on relatives as a result. On social media, thousands have joined support groups for adult children who’ve chosen to reject their parents.
As with Leslie and Lindsey, most of these break-ups are initiated by the child.
Of course, there may be serious reasons for this, such as abuse (emotional, verbal or physical), but ‘taking sides’ during a divorce is another factor — as well as clashes in values.
In fact, recent American research shows value-based disagreements were mentioned by more than one in three mothers of estranged children, with arguments revolving around sexual preference, politics or the importance of mental health.
It can be tempting to see a ‘clean break’ as a solution to your problems, but Leslie disagrees that this will make you ‘happy’.
‘We all want the love and acceptance of our mother. We long for it. If you give up your parent or child, they leave a huge hole.
‘Personal happiness is important, but family duty is important, too. These days my personal happiness is about being able to accept my daughter even if she’s difficult, and vice versa.’
For unlike many of those affected, Lindsey and Leslie have overcome their division, and today are closer than ever, even working together to help other women suffering family estrangement. Their bond is evident in their shared laughter and gentle teasing of one another during our interview, but it is hard won.
Except in cases of true abuse, they believe anyone can reconcile in the right circumstances. They’ve teamed up to write their new book, The Mother-Daughter Relationship Makeover, to help other mothers and daughters find their way back to each other.
‘We are sharing our private and painful journey because I believe mums and daughters need a voice for hope,’ says Lindsey. ‘A voice that says, it’s OK to be in a bad place and not get along. It’s OK if you’re on opposite ends of the spectrum about style, politics, pets, finances, children . . .
‘Sometimes losing your way with your mum or child is no one’s fault. What matters is finding your way back if you can.’
Their split came in 2014, during what appeared to be a time of stability. Although she’d had a privileged childhood — her father was a banker and her mother a successful author — Lindsey had found herself embroiled in drugs during her teens, following several bereavements. Having attained a good degree and a writing career of her own, she went on to take a 12-step programme to shake off drugs and alcohol altogether.
Ironically, mother and daughter were working together on a documentary about recovery when things went awry. Leslie and her husband had divorced, and Lindsey was staying in her mother’s flat to facilitate their working arrangements.
‘I might have been sober, but we had this lifetime habit of yelling, pointing fingers and poor communication,’ admits Lindsey.
‘I blamed her for every unwise decision I had made in my life. The short-lived marriage I wasn’t ready for in my 20s, career issues, emotional problems. But by the time I reached my 30s, I was smoke-coming-out-of-my-ears enraged.’
Leslie explains: ‘We’d been fighting so bitterly, I asked her if she would stay somewhere else for a few days. I just needed a little space, but she heard: “Mum’s kicking me out.” ’
They laugh now, but Leslie continues: ‘I said one thing, she heard something else — and it caused a rift that could have gone on for the rest of our lives.’
It was a mental health professional who first suggested Lindsey take a ‘break’ from her mother to heal.
‘As difficult and mildly insane as I was back then, I was willing to listen to mental health professionals,’ says Lindsey. ‘The first advice I got was to leave my home and my mum and cut contact with her.
‘They said we had unwittingly hurt each other and couldn’t move forward together. To find myself, I had to be on my own.
‘It made sense at the time. But looking back, it was too extreme.
‘I left in the night with a suitcase; I didn’t leave a forwarding address.
‘Initially, I felt a mix of relief, terror, and excitement about the possibility of a new beginning. But breaking the bond with your mother goes against every cell in your body. You feel wildly mixed emotions throughout the day: guilty, even ashamed. If I’d had better advice, we probably would’ve sat down together to talk.’
Left to pick over the wreckage of their relationship without explanation or input, Leslie says it was ‘a disaster’.
‘I didn’t know if she was all right. I was desperately worried but also angry. How could she do this to me? In those first few months I grieved just as much as any mother whose daughter had passed away and was gone for ever. And if your child has left you, you feel a lot of shame.
‘Yes, I was free from all the fighting, but that freedom didn’t feel good.
‘It wasn’t easy to let go of my hurt and damaged self-esteem as a “failed” mum.
‘While I had suffered in silence when Lindsey was using drugs and alcohol, I told everyone when she left me. I complained and carried on, and the whole world knew about my grievances. I couldn’t help myself. But there were many times when I felt very alone.’ Both parties were struggling.
Lindsey, who moved away to start again from scratch, slowly found work writing for films and handling communications for brands. But she admits: ‘For a full year I cried every day. It felt like losing a limb. Mother’s Day, Easter, Christmas are terrible days when you’re estranged.
‘Mum is an extraordinary chef, and cooking and travelling memories would come up all the time.
‘It hit so hard I became suicidal. I phoned my dad and said: “I’m going to walk in front of a bus.” He took me to an emergency doctor, who put me straight on medication.
‘Thankfully, I got good professional medical help. After a few years, not only was I not angry with Mum any more, I started to accept my own part in our separation, instead of just feeling wronged.
Lindsey, with mum Leslie at her side, cuts the cake at her seventh birthday party in Manhattan
‘In the fourth year, I softened and wanted to reconnect. I knew from my older brother Alex that Mum was OK. So I told him: “Alex, I want to make up with Mum.”
He said: “Umm . . . yeah, let’s give it a few months . . . let’s make sure everyone’s ready.”’
She turns to her mum now. ‘Did he even tell you?’
‘You don’t want to know,’ laughs Leslie. ‘I’d ask him how you were doing, and he’d say: “She’s just so angry!” ’
‘In the end I think my daughter wanted to make up with me before I wanted to make up with her.
‘She started sending me dog videos — we both love dogs. It was her way of showing me she was thinking about me in a positive way.
‘But I was waiting for a full-blown apology. In the end I had to make a decision: did I want an apology or did I want my daughter back? I wanted my daughter back.’
So, in 2018, they took things slowly: emails became phone calls and for their first meeting in a pizza restaurant, Leslie stayed the night in a hotel.
‘I was so very happy to see you,’ says Lindsey.
‘We were both so happy,’ smiles Leslie.
‘Those four years had been so tough without her,’ says Lindsey. ‘And this is the moral of the story — I was so relieved. So that first time was all love for me. How was it for you?’ she asks her mum.
‘I saw my goofy, funny daughter again,’ laughs Leslie. ‘She’s very entertaining. It wasn’t like there was silence. I don’t know, Lindsey, we were just so . . . it was just so fun.’
There’s a pause as they ponder how close they came to losing each other for ever.
Why did they manage to reconcile when so many don’t?
They say it is because they learned to rebuild themselves as individuals, including seeking professional help in therapy, before coming back together.
The simple steps that will help you bridge the divide
Here, Leslie and Lindsey share their very personal guide to healing the most heart-breaking rift of all.
LOOK IN THE MIRROR
First things first, take a look at yourself. Who are you? Start by thinking long and hard and then write down the answer as honestly as you can — writing makes you see yourself in a new way.
Leslie admits: ‘At first when I tried this exercise I wrote a glowing account of myself as the kind, compassionate, loving, and supportive mum I thought I was. I believed every word.
‘When Lindsey later read it, she told me in fact I had been closed-minded, thought I knew everything and could be cold as ice. What? Sweet, gentle, loving me? Mums, how many of you see yourself the way your daughter sees you?’
With new insights, you may find better ways to communicate, to stop the cycle of conflict and to finally find your happy ending.
ACCEPT YOUR ROLE IN THE CONFLICT
You may feel your mum, or your daughter, is to blame but consider the part you play in your conflict. For us, accepting that we each had a part in our emotional warfare was empowering. The first step to taking responsibility for our actions.
By accepting your role in the mother-daughter conflict, you can have a real conversation. 'We started talking on the phone weekly. No fights, no drama,' say Leslie and Lindsey
While it can feel embarrassing or shameful to admit that our fears or resentments have driven our behaviour, knowledge brings the ability to change. Once you’re able to articulate to your mum/daughter, ‘Hey, I did that because I was scared, embarrassed . . . ’ you can have a real conversation. The goal is clarity and compassion.
LIST YOUR GRIEVANCES
Make a list of hurts, situations, and traits that caused bitterness or resentment related to your mum/daughter. Describe what happened and how it made you feel. It may be the first time you’re admitting it to yourself.
We both had resentments that we didn’t even know were resentments. For Lindsey, being pushed into an academically tough secondary school was challenging while dealing with emotional turmoil at a young age.
Reflecting on it, Lindsey realised her mother hadn’t understood how hard this would be. Leslie had also attended the school as a girl, and it hadn’t been as rigorous or fancy in her day.
Leslie saw how self-righteous she sounded when trying to advise or help Lindsey in early recovery and beyond. Leslie had enjoyed her daily martinis but didn’t get drunk. She had good eating and work habits. Her attempts to get Lindsey to self-regulate before she was ready felt controlling, not helpful.
FOCUS ON THEIR GOOD POINTS
When you think about your mother/daughter, what are her good traits? Make a list of anything you think is a behaviour that is coming from the heart, even if it annoys you.
For example, when Lindsey was able to think about Leslie’s controlling behaviour as coming from a desire to protect her, it softened her feelings around it. When Leslie understood that so much of Lindsey’s hiding her problems came from not wanting her mother to worry, she could react better.
SET SAIL ON A CRUISE
We’re not all guaranteed happy endings. So, what do we have left if we don’t get one? Allowing yourself to enjoy life alone is a good place to start.
Leslie truly believed she would never see her daughter again. When a therapist asked her what she wanted, she said she’d just like to feel good about herself after so much hurt.
Leslie explains: ‘I wasn’t done with life. I met someone new, started playing golf, returned to Pilates and then tai chi. Then a personal trainer came into my life.’
She adds: ‘I learned I could be happy on my own whether my daughter returned to me or not. I went from thinking: “I’m dying,” to “Oh, I’m not dying, I’m going on a cruise, I’m making candles . . .
‘When you’re enriching yourself, you soften. When Lindsey took care of herself, she softened. When I was happy, she finally felt safe with me.’
SHARE CUTE DOG VIDEOS
Rekindling love can start with random acts of kindness. We don’t know anybody who doesn’t love receiving cards and photos. In Lindsey’s case, she started sending dog videos to Leslie as a first step towards communication.
Let your mum/daughter know you’re sending positive vibes her way. Over time your gestures will send a powerful message.
If someone is not ready to reconcile, however, and asks you not to contact them, we believe you should respect that boundary no matter how painful it may be.
In our case, we started talking on the phone weekly. No fights, no drama. In our new relationship, we had to listen without fighting back. We had to hear things we didn’t like without making excuses.
When we met in person, our goal was to keep our expectations low, be patient and maintain the boundaries we needed to make our relationship safe.
TEAR UP THE RULE BOOK
To break the cycle, you need rules. We even wrote them down. Simple things like: ‘Don’t call me after five with anything work-related,’ or ‘Don’t ask me for money.’
Lindsey will never live in her mother’s home again because it forces her back into that feeling of Leslie having too much control.
Leslie worked on being more conscious about sounding like a nag. And we both worked on being able to listen. Previously, we were both jumping in with an answer before the other had finished. We both realised that all we want is to love and be loved. That’s all any of us really want, as mothers and daughters. It’s good to be reminded of that.
As told to Felicia Bromfield. The Mother-Daughter Relationship Makeover: 4 Steps To Bring Back The Love, by Leslie and Lindsey Glass (Health Communications, Inc.) For more about Leslie and Lindsey, visit: reachoutrecovery.com