Therapist reveals the most common reasons people cheat - and the questions to ask that could save your relationship

Sex is one of the most vulnerable things you can do with another person. 

And to maintain good sex requires extreme vulnerability — so communication is key. A sense of humor doesn't hurt either.

So whether you're sharing your fantasies, working out mismatched libidos, or dealing with cheating (you or them), speak up! It's hot.

But what are the reasons that people cheat? 

Not everyone shares the same definition of cheating. Does flirting count? What about porn? I have personal opinions, but that doesn't matter. It's your call. What really matters is that you and your partner are on the same page about what constitutes a cheat.

To maintain good sex requires extreme vulnerability — so communication is key. A sense of humor doesn't hurt either

That's why I highly recommend discussing cheating veeeeeerrrrrryyyyy early in the relationship. I see so many couples make their way into my office because they were too scared to have this talk. 

So stop what you're doing, turn to your loving cutie, and ask: 'What do you think counts as cheating, and how can we get on the same page moving forward?'

Also! Don't cheat. Cheating sucks.

Let's go over some common reasons you might want to cheat and what to do about it before you cross any uncrossable lines.

1. You're not feeling sexually satisfied

It would be a lot less catastrophic if you spoke up about getting your sexual needs met instead of doing the mental gymnastics needed to allow yourself to cheat.

2. You feel like you don't have power in the relationship

If you're feeling the urge to cheat, and you aren't quite sure why, take a step back and try asking yourself if you feel the relationship has an equitable distribution of power and agency. If not, you might be trying to compensate by betraying your partner.

3. You're experiencing the 'real you' with someone else

This one is the most common reason I see with my clients. When you're hanging with someone else — someone you're also feeling attracted to — and you're able to express a version of yourself around them and not with your partner, you may start to feel like you want to hook up. I would encourage you to tell your partner that you want to be more authentic in the relationship so that you can get that need met without jeopardizing your future.

4. You think you deserve it

This one borders on grandiosity with a side of narcissism. That said, most of us have at least a little bit of this energy inside of us. It's our job to manage this internal little narcissistic crybaby and remind ourselves that, while it might feel like we're the main character in a world that revolves solely around us, our actions have consequences and it's not okay to hurt the people that we're closest to.

Many couples are able to get past infidelity, so even though it might feel like the end, that doesn't have to be the case

Therapy Jeff recommends discussing cheating very early in a relationship - and communication is HOT

5. You feel you have unmet emotional needs

Feeling seen by someone who is FINALLY meeting your emotional needs is a huge turn-on. But you know what would be even cooler? If you gave your partner a chance to meet your emotional needs.

6. You think the relationship is 'practically over'

Unless it's actually over, it's not over. Period.

What if you've been cheated on?

In my experience, many couples are able to get past infidelity. So don't automatically feel like you 'must' end things.

To help you decide, ask yourself the following questions:

1. How does my partner feel about their actions? Have they shown genuine remorse and taken responsibility?

2. Is my partner able to express what led them to doing this?

3. Is this a one-time mistake or a recurring pattern of behavior?

4. How has this infidelity affected my self-esteem and self-worth? Am I staying with them out of love or fear of being alone?

5. How much am I allowing my friends and family to influence how I feel or what I should do about the betrayal? How will our relationship dynamic change moving forward, and am I okay with that?

6. Is this relationship still aligned with my personal values and boundaries?

7. Do I feel able to truly forgive them and move past this? Am I willing to do the hard work of rebuilding trust and repairing the relationship?

8. What do I need in order to feel safe again?

In summary, sex is incredibly vulnerable and loaded with a ton of complexities.

Remember, you are not alone, and there are many resources available to help you navigate any difficulties you may be facing on your sexual journey. Like a giant, wildly colorful, full-back tattoo of a phoenix rising from the ashes (IYKYK), it's never too late to change.

Mismatched desire 

This is an incredibly common challenge. One of you wants to have sex, and the other one isn't in the mood? Welcome to a relationship! It's something almost everyone will have to navigate at one point or another.

Whether you are the high-libido partner or not, with mismatched desire, it's especially important to recognize that each person has their own unique turn-ons and turnoffs. Open communication and empathy when discussing these differences are incredibly important.

If you can foster an atmosphere of safety and trust in the relationship, you'll be able to brainstorm together and create environments that will foster intimacy, pleasure, and satisfaction for both of you, while respecting each other's desires and boundaries.

Here's how to get through periods of mismatched desire.

1. Normalize the discrepancy: Understand that it's completely normal for couples to experience differences in desire levels. Recognize that desire can fluctuate over time and vary from person to person. Don't panic, and don't be judgey.

Be flexible and creative: Be open to trying new things and experimenting with different sexual experiences, advises Jeff

2. Foster emotional intimacy: Strengthen your emotional connection by spending quality time together, engaging in activities you both enjoy, and practicing empathy and understanding. Emotional intimacy helps create a safe environment for exploring your sexual relationship, and sometimes that's a huge turn-on!

3. Explore nonsexual touch: Incorporate touch, cuddling, and affectionate behaviors that aren't necessarily sexual in nature. It might seem counterintuitive, but this can help create a sense of intimacy and closeness, regardless of your differing desire levels.

4. Be flexible and creative: Be open to trying new things and experimenting with different sexual experiences. This can help you discover shared interests and find new ways to enjoy physical intimacy together, even if your desire levels aren't identical. What's your kink? Don't have one? Do a Google search or ask an AI bot to list a whole bunch of them, and see what creams your Twinkie (sorry).

5. Seek professional help: If you find that the discrepancy in desire is causing significant distress or conflict in your relationship, consider seeking the guidance of a qualified sex therapist or counselor. 

Excerpted from Big Dating Energy: How to Create Lasting Love by Tapping Into Your Authentic Self by Jeff Guenther and Kate Happ, published by Voracious.