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Sex expert reveals 4 golden rules of the 'birds and the bees' chat with kids - and suggests starting as young as 10
A sex expert claims she almost broke the internet when she issued some surprising advice to parents of young boys.
TikTok star Rachel Coler Mulholland suggested families stock up on condoms for boys as young as 10 — so they get used to the feeling of wearing one even when they're self-stimulating.
In her upcoming book, The Birds, the Bees, and the Elephant in the Room, she offers parents invaluable advice about talking to children and teenagers about sex.
One crucial recommendation is to explain that condoms are one of the most effective and more accessible forms of STI protection and contraception available.
'Using condoms keeps people safe,' she says. Therefore, it makes sense to 'encourage boys' to 'get used to the feeling of wearing a condom, rather than avoid them.’
Rachel says: 'Guidance around self-exploration should be free of shame, require privacy, and focus on hygienic practices'
Rachel is a mom to three children, aged five, eight, and 16. Her book even includes sample scripts for parents to use, to help get the awkward 'birds and the bees' conversation started
The most reasonable, logical time to do that, she says, is while masturbating.
Rachel — who has has 762K followers on the social media platform — even provides a sample script for parents to use, to help get the conversation started.
She suggests parents say something like: ‘I wanted to let you know there is a box of condoms under the bathroom sink for you. It’s really important that you get used to how condoms feel, because they’re one of the best ways to protect yourself when you get older and start having sex with a partner.
‘I have one here and I will show you how it works.
‘If you choose to use the condoms while you explore, it might help you get used to the feeling and can also help you not have to clean up as much after you’re done.
‘I won’t ask you about them or where they are going, but I will check the box every so often and refill them for you. If you want to know more about how they work or if you’d like me to get a different kind, you can always ask me or leave me a note.’
Rachel is an assistant professor in psychology at the University of Minnesota Morris, and believes it's never too early to start talking openly with your children about sex, providing age-appropriate information as soon as they start to explore their own bodies.
She writes: 'Curiosity about the human body ranges from information seeking to sensory seeking. This self-exploration, also known as masturbation, is regarded as developmentally normal, though it has been highly stigmatized in many cultures.
'Helping children understand the health and safety boundaries of self-exploration is an important and often intimidating task for parents. However, parents’ proactive choices can both keep their children safe and potentially identify children who have been made unsafe.'
She adds: 'While some kids may be ready and willing to have these conversations at 10 or 11, some aren't - some might be more receptive at 12, 13, or 14. However, if they haven't expressed a willingness by about 15, it should (in most cases) just be stated.
'Guidance around self-exploration should be free of shame, require privacy, and focus on hygienic practices.'
She even provides advice for introducing the subjects of oral and anal sex, a conversation that can happen as early as age 10. That includes explaining in simple terms what goes where, and stressing the need for lubrication.
Once you turn 18, you must not date anyone younger than you, says Rachel
However, she insists that children shouldn't start dating until they’re at least 12
In fact, Rachel - who is a mom to three children, aged five, eight, and 16 - has created the Number 12 Rule as a guide for early romantic relationships.
1. You may not date anyone until you are 12 years old, because your brain isn't ready - it's still learning about itself and going through a lot of changes.
2. Once you start dating, your first dates will be group dates and chaperoned outings.
3. Until you are 18 years old, there is no dating anyone who is more than 12 months older than you or 12 months younger than you.
4. Once you are 18, you will not date anyone under 18. That includes talking to them and waiting until the object of your desire turns 18. That, she says, is grooming.
While she acknowledges these rules may not be popular with everyone, and there are always exceptions, she stands by them.
‘The developmental science tells us that individual children and teens grow and mature at vastly different rates, development that can sometimes feel like it has happened overnight, and… having no more than a 12-month age gap is a reasonable rule to start with.'
The Birds, the Bees, and the Elephant in the Room: Talking to Your Kids About Sex and Other Sensitive Topics by Rachel Coler Mulholland is published by Union Square & Co, July 16