What Biden REALLY wrote in his desperate letter begging Democrats not to fire him (...at least, according to KENNEDY!)

Beleaguered President Biden's last gasp for power included a letter to Congressional Democrats on Monday, bullying his party's lawmakers into submission.

'I am firmly committed to staying in this race,' he scrawled. But before you read Sleepy Joe's authentic tongue, here's my... I mean the original draft:

Deer Dems,

I'm Jill Biden's husband and she and Hunter have told me to write to you lyin dog-faced pony soldiers – as my friend John Wayne Gacy liked to say in that movie.

Did you watch the debate? I'm not sure if I did.

But you can't replace me because Barack says I'm not done yet.

And by God, man, I'm the goodest Senator eva – the Lord Almighty said so! I wouldn't be running again if I wossont the best qualified for the job.

My record is impeachable:

Beleaguered President Biden's last gasp for power included a letter to Congressional Democrats on Monday, bullying his party's lawmakers into submission.

Every morning I put on my special shoes ready to kick Alley Cat Liar Trump in his fat orange face.

Then I nap or play with my dog. The Secret Service agents love it when he chases them around the South Lawn.

To anyone who says I'm too old, I say: Watch Me (between the hours of 10am and 4pm).

But listen, folks, c'mon, no malarkey here – the other guy is a dangerous lying dictator who isn't very good at golf.

I'm a six-handicap. Or an eight… but I better not get into that.

Did I tell you about the time I got arrested trying to see Willie Nelson... I mean Nelson Mandela?

Do you really want to judge me on 90 Bad Minutes on One Bad Night and not my 300 Bad Years in Congress? Let's do the math!

I received over 400 trillion, sorry million votes, several from non-dead folks. All the polls that I've read aren't not on my side. I have nearly infinity delegates. That's one for each of Hunter's baby mamas.

But honestly, folks, you better get in line because you're giving Kamala ideas. She even tried to push me down the White House stairs.

'I'm Jill Biden 's husband and she and Hunter have told me to write to you lyin dog-faced pony soldiers – as my friend John Wayne Gacy liked to say in that movie.'

So let's get the facts straight, I put together NATO like a chocolate computer chip, saved Israel and saw off Corn Pop, who was even worse than Vlad Putin.

The stakes are too high. The world is falling apart. And I can't remember if I left the stove on. But I know a plastic surgeon who can make it all better.

Plus, I was talking to the new British Prime Minister Maggie Thatcher who says I'm just like Ronald Reagan. Isn't she a pistol? She smells good, too.

My top adviser Hunter says we need Four More Years til we can finally beat Medicare, murder Social Security and settle up with the Chinese.

So, believe me, I can beat Mitt Romney. And if I don't, well, at least I answered all the questions and tried my bestest.

Luv,

The First Black Woman To Serve With A Black President

President Kamala?

If America's Vegetable-in-Chief is cooked through, will Cackling Kamala top the Democratic 2024 ticket?

A major Biden fundraiser said he'd take a 'dead' Joe over his useless Veep. But woke Dem thick wigs don't care.

They're desperate to anoint the party's word-salad chef over its other dim bulbs.

'How the f*** are you going to put all these white people ahead of Kamala?' former Democratic National Committee chair Donna Brazile said last week.

Oh, the irony would be creamy enough to eat if these 'champions of democracy' subvert democracy by overthrowing a codger president for their hand-picked no-hoper.

Melania sees red 

Make-America-Gawk-Again.

Always immaculately turned out, Melania Trump was snapped in NYC on Monday night wearing a red-hot Valentino dress and lacquered Louboutins.

So, Anna Wintour, where's her Vogue close-up?

The aging fashion rag snubbed the former First Lady during her White House tenure.

Meanwhile, our current and far-less modish Mistress of the Oval Office, Jill MacBiden, has been on the cover three times!

Always immaculately turned out, Melania Trump was snapped in NYC on Monday night wearing a red-hot Valentino dress and matching, lacquered Louboutins.

Harry deserves award 

Prince Harry is reportedly 'stunned' by backlash to news that he's the recipient of this year's Pat Tillman Award for Service – an honor named after the late NFL star turned national hero who left sports after 9/11 to serve in Afghanistan.

Don't get me wrong, the Ginger Whinger is the most annoying British export by a mile. But his own military service and efforts to create the annual Invictus Games for injured ex-soldiers are admirable feathers in his otherwise disreputable cap, and more than qualify him for the Tillman award.

To suggest otherwise would make you seem royally foolish.

Big butt, big problems

Instagram 'model' and part-time moralist Mikaela Lafuente is INCENSED that her bootylicious thirst-traps accidentally snared honey badger Kanye West.

The crazed (and married) rapper allegedly barreled into her direct messages, writing: '[I] wanted to see if you wanted to hang and listen to the new album.'

Flattered this butt-fluencer was not.

'I don't think it's acceptable to be messaging other women when you're married,' she told reporters, conveniently boosting her own social profile in the process.

Call me a cynic, but was this rump-shaker not seeking out such Ye-big attention in the first place?

Instagram 'model' and part-time moralist Mikaela Lafuente is INCENSED that her bootylicious thirst-traps accidentally snared honey badger Kanye West.

Red, White, and Who?

Each July 4, diminutive billionaire Michael Rubin bribes famous 'friends' to party with him at his uber-lavish Hamptons 'White Party'.

The pint-sized hobnobber always makes sure to catch a cozy Insta snap with the likes of Kim K, Khloe K and Machine Gun K.

Asked if they'll be returning the favor and inviting Mini Michael to their respective Xmas bashes, my guess is they'd reply: 'Michael who?'

Each July 4, diminutive billionaire Michael Rubin bribes famous 'friends' to party with him at an uber lavish Hamptons 'White Party'.

Grandma gone wild 

I've long suspected old folks' communities are crawling with lonely widows and short-on-time swingers passing themselves round like a brochure for reverse mortgages. Now I have the evidence to prove it.

A new study found sexually transmitted infections among the Centrum-Silver set skyrocketed a staggering 24 percent during the COVID pandemic. They're trading stock faster than Nancy Pelosi!

He needed the John!

Goodbye Yellow-Slick Road.

A French shopkeeper was horrified when Elton John waltzed into his upscale sneaker store and asked if there was a bathroom he could use.

When the salesman said 'non', Elton reportedly unleashed his tiny dancer for a public tinkle into a plastic bottle!

The most shocking part: the French Man had never heard of the Rocket Man!

Well, he does now. A few ounces lighter, Elton used a towel to mop up stray sprinkles on the floor, bought some kicks and left – but not before shaking the poor proprietor's hand.