'The birth of my child was a massacre and I nearly died. If I ever got pregnant again I'd have an abortion'

Rosie Johns always wanted a big family. ‘My partner and I are both one of four and I’d always dreamed of ­having lots of children,’ she says. And yet today when people ask the 25-year-old mother whether she intends to have another baby — a sibling for her four-year-old son ­Colton — she tells them a lie.

‘When people ask if I’m having more kids, I tell them I’m infertile. I’ve asked doctors for a hysterectomy to prevent me getting pregnant, but they say I’m too young. I’ll have an abortion if I ever get pregnant again.’

When people ask Rosie Johns when she is going to have a second child, she lies and tells them she is infertile - because the experience of giving birth was so traumatic, she cannot go through another pregnancy

Why such a vehement change of heart? Because Rosie’s experience of birth was so shocking, so traumatic — ‘a massacre’, as she puts it — that she cannot bring herself to contemplate another. It has taken her many hours of therapy to even be able to talk about Colton’s delivery.

Rosie was given an episiotomy (a cut in the opening of the birth canal to make it easier to get the baby out), despite suffering a blood clotting disorder that meant her ­medical notes specifically warned against it. She was injured so badly during the birth and post-birth stitching that she needed reconstructive surgery three years later.

Rosie was injured so badly during the birth and post-birth stitching that she needed reconstructive surgery three years later

During the eight days she and baby Colton were in hospital after the delivery, she nearly died from blood loss and was regularly left in blood-soaked gowns and sheets. Hers is an extreme case, and yet an estimated 30,000 women a year suffer negative experiences in the UK during the delivery of their babies, with one in 30 developing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result.

A report published in May by the All Party Parliamentary Group on Birth Trauma ­contained shocking evidence from more than 1,300 women who say they were neglected, mistreated or suffered life-changing injuries while on the maternity ward.

For some of these women, the trauma is so great that they make the agonising ­decision never to have another baby.

Rosie, who lives in York and works in ­education, says she felt safe during her ­pregnancy but things went ‘downhill and kept getting worse’ after she was left in a labour bay for 48 hours.

During the eight days Rosie and baby Colton (pictured) were in hospital after the delivery, she nearly died from blood loss and was regularly left in blood-soaked gowns and sheets 

‘The doctors tried to induce me on three occasions with a sweep but it failed, and that’s when they said I needed an epidural. Earlier on, my haematologist had visited and made it clear to maternity staff — in person, at the end of my bed — that I was not to have one.

‘He’d also said there were to be no procedures involving anything that could cut my skin or my son’s skin, such as forceps or scalpels, because this could result in a haemorrhage. If I did need an emergency C-section, then I should be given my usual clotting agents and a blood transfusion.’

Yet those instructions were ­simply ignored, she claims. ‘I was terrified, but in so much pain that I could barely speak. I kept saying: “No!” but they sat me up and just gave the epidural to me. Then they missed the correct position in the spine and had to do it again.

‘Several hours later a midwife came in and suddenly it was panic stations. The baby’s head was crowning but I’d had no idea because I couldn’t feel anything.

‘She told me to push, for two hours, but the baby was distressed. There was a flurry of people ­rushing in, then I was given an episiotomy with forceps and it was a massacre.

Four years after Colton's birth, Rosie has been diagnosed with PTSD 

‘Blood spurted everywhere, over the doctor’s face, the room, everyone. I was in total shock — so were the staff. I think she possibly cut a vein, but my condition is similar to haemophilia so it may have been due to that, too.’

Thankfully, baby Colton was born a healthy 7lb. Yet within seconds of being placed on Rosie’s chest, the new mother passed out due to blood loss. She came round later, still ­sitting in the blood-soaked room. Even when she was finally stabilised and moved to the postnatal ward, she says the attitude of the nurses was ‘cruel’.

‘I remember sobbing when my partner was instructed to go home due to Covid restrictions, and one nurse said I should “grow up”.

‘Midwives mocked and made jokes about my “hobbled walk” while I went back and forth to the bottle preparation kitchen.

‘We stayed in the hospital for eight days because Colton had a temperature and I was still ­bleeding internally. But I had no blood work done to monitor my blood disorder, and I was visibly grey and limp. Every time I stood up, giant blood clots would fall out of me.’ Her clothes were permanently ­covered in blood, she says.

‘It was only a doctor who saved me — I remember her shouting at the midwives, telling them I needed multiple blood transfusions. That doctor later told me that I was close to dying.

‘I still have nightmares about it. My veins were collapsing so I had a nerve block for the transfusion, but I was bullied by the midwives into feeding Colton, even while having the transfusion with a numb arm.

‘I kept pressing the buzzer for two hours to ask them for help and at one point a lead midwife came in and said: “You’re such a bad mother! You’ve not even fed him?” I sat there sobbing and thinking: “What have I done to deserve this?”’

Later, at home, Rosie ­developed a form of post-partum psychosis.

‘I kept having flashbacks. I was seeing babies crawling up the wall,’ she says. ‘I kept thinking I should take my own life because I didn’t deserve to be a mum or be alive. I had been sewn up so badly after the birth and was in agony and immobile.

‘I had reconstructive surgery last February, because they made such a botch of sewing me up, and I’ve been on codeine for a prolonged period because of the aching down my legs, severe back and hip pain, loss of strength and sensation in my arms. I used to teach dance, now I can barely get up a flight of stairs.’

Four years on, she has been diagnosed with PTSD. ‘It’s taken a lot of therapy to be even able to talk about it. I still have bad days and there are times when I can’t bear to be touched by anyone, even my partner. I’m horrified by what ­happened because you wouldn’t treat an animal that way.

‘There’s no way I can put my body or my mind through birth again. It means I’m left grieving for the children I will never have, and for Colton because he will never have siblings.’

Fiona Hewitt was diagnosed with PTSD and underwent intense therapy - it is only now that she feels she can verbalise what happened to her and Saskia 12 years ago

It is not just the delivery itself that can traumatise women, but a sense of chaos in the immediate aftermath. Solicitor Fiona Hewitt, from Buckingham, is another mother who needed trauma-focused therapy to be able to speak about what happened to her, and she, too, says she will never have another baby.

It was 2012 and Fiona was 33 when she had her daughter Saskia.

‘I had a normal pregnancy and Saskia was very much wanted, but I’d heard horror stories about the NHS and planned to have a home birth with a private midwife,’ she says. ‘But while in labour at home I passed meconium [the first stool of a newborn] and knew this could be dangerous as it can block the baby’s airways if swallowed.’

Saskia’s father, now Fiona’s ex-partner, drove her to hospital.

‘When Saskia was finally born, the cord was around her neck and she wasn’t breathing. She’d swallowed the meconium and had to be resuscitated. All I can recall is saying: “Is she all right?” and hearing “No!” But no one was telling me what was going on. I honestly thought we were both going to die.

When Saskia was born, the cord was around her neck and she wasn’t breathing - she’d swallowed the meconium and had to be resuscitated 

‘Saskia was taken away, and I was wheeled up to a ward where a nurse asked me: “Where is your baby?” I had no idea. I didn’t know where my baby was or how she was doing. There was an appalling lack of communication. It was very distressing.’

It was later discovered that Saskia developed blocked bile ducts from sepsis, the cause of which was never found. 

She was in and out of hospital for six months because she kept losing weight and her liver was failing — at one point it was thought she could die if she didn’t have a liver transplant. 

Although Saskia is now thriving, Fiona says that the impact on her own mental health was devastating.

Saskia is now thriving, but the impact on the experience has been devastating on Fiona's mental health

‘I went to the GP about four years ago and was told I had PTSD, so I underwent intense therapy and feel I can verbalise what happened now. It’s been 12 years — I’m now 45 and could never consider having another baby. People say birth is different the second time, but I can’t put myself through it again.’

Mark Stafford-White, of Ellisons Solicitors in Ipswich, says he has received numerous inquiries from women who have been injured as a result of birth trauma since launching a medical negligence service at the beginning of 2023.

‘Whether due to a failure to ­listen to the mother, a lack of communication, or inadequate support during labour, birth trauma can cause lasting ­damage to a woman’s physical and ­mental health,’ he says.

‘Quite a number of women tell us they are too traumatised to undergo another pregnancy.’

Jade Ryan, who has a seven-year-old daughter Polly, has decided never to risk another pregnancy because of the traumatic delivery of her baby, who was born prematurely at 28 weeks

Jade Ryan, 33, a social media manager from Norfolk, says the birth trauma she experienced with daughter Polly, now seven, has left her with PTSD and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).

As a result, she has also decided never to risk another pregnancy. ‘On the night my daughter was born prematurely at 28 weeks after a traumatic delivery, they took her to the neonatal ward and I didn’t see her for eight hours,’ says Jade, who lives with her daughter and husband Ollie, 37, an engineer. ‘No one told me what was going on, I had no idea if my daughter was going to make it and I was left totally alone.

‘At one point I just screamed, the most visceral scream I’ve ever heard in my life. I couldn’t recreate it now because it was like something an animal would make.

‘I felt completely out of control and wanted my baby, or at least to find out where she was, but no one was telling me what was going on. I felt completely ­abandoned.’ Later, reunited with Polly, a ­doctor’s blunt approach left her scared.

Jade didn’t see Polly for eight hours after her birth, no one told her what was going on and she had no idea if my daughter was going to make it 

‘The doctor warned me that if I didn’t breastfeed, my baby was at risk of getting necrotising enterocolitis — an inflammation of the gut in newborns that can cause perforations, allowing intestinal contents [and bacteria] to leak into the abdomen. “It kills babies,” he said, matter-of-factly, and that terrified me. I’m sure that’s why I became so obsessive,’ she says.

‘My daughter was too premature to feed naturally, but the hospital did not provide me with the correct equipment to pump my breast milk, so I felt like I was failing. My mum and mother-in-law had to buy a pump for me.’

Jade and baby Polly had to stay in hospital for five weeks. When she was finally allowed to go home, Jade became overly obsessive about her daughter’s care.

‘I did things like counting out scoops of formula 20 times just to make sure I hadn’t done it wrong. I’d take my daughter everywhere — even to the lavatory — and wouldn’t let her out of my sight.

‘I’d have to read the same number of pages to her at bedtime and would check the bath with three thermometers. I felt that if I didn’t do this, she would die.’

Like Rosie and Fiona, Jade’s recovery was aided by therapy.

‘Although I’m able to talk about it now, I know I could never have another child. I love being a mum and I always wanted more children, but my husband can’t face me being ill again either and is going to have a vasectomy.

‘It’s completely changed my life. I used to be so motivated and driven — now I can only manage working ten hours a week.

‘If you’d said to me eight years ago I would be the sort of person to be mentally unwell, I wouldn’t have believed it. I ran my own company, I was ambitious and coped with everything. But today, if ever there is a trigger — such as a spate of pregnancy announcements — I’m back in that room being told my daughter could die and it would be my fault.’

Dr Kim Thomas, chief executive of the Birth Trauma Association, which gathered evidence for the parliamentary report, says: ‘Hundreds of women told us their lives had been ruined by their experience of birth. The word “broken” came up frequently.

‘But it doesn’t have to be like this. We call on the Government to implement the report’s ­recommendations so that women receive the maternity care they deserve.’

You can only hope such harrowing accounts become less common as a result, and that far fewer women are left with the deep ­psychological scars that then ­dictate the size of their families.