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The husband's menopause survival guide: Six things he can do to help you including a trick to defuse mood swings - I promise you it will pay off!
Picture a romantic steak dinner with a shared bottle of wine, followed by a quiet, harmonious evening and a restful night's sleep.
After many years of marriage, such simple pleasures can be the glue that keeps a couple together.
But if you like the sound of that, then just wait till the menopause arrives. Expect to give up all your little treats, take on the role of peacemaker however riled you're feeling, and be up at 3am changing sheets drenched by night sweats.
Such is the plight of the modern husband when menopause strikes. And yes, I do mean husband. My wife, Kate, now 55, started to experience symptoms of menopause in her early 40s, only three years into our marriage. Our children were just one and three years old when it began.
Kate, now 55, started to experience symptoms of menopause in her early 40s, only three years into her marriage to husband Neil
The resulting upheaval has covered almost two-thirds of our time together, and boy, has our marriage been tested.
Frozen silence, full-bore screaming (both sides), hateful barbs and seething in opposite corners of the house. We both made a lot of mistakes and we went through some very dark times.
Yet we refused to let it derail our relationship altogether. Instead, we talked, I researched and we realised that, whether we like it or not, men have a key role to play in helping women through it.
Men have long assumed the menopause is none of our business and, anyway, what can we do? But now women are opening up about their experiences, and I've come to believe that men must not just listen, but take action.
Kate's experience of menopause changed her life — she is now a coach helping other women cope with this dramatic shift — and it profoundly changed our marriage, too. That's why we have written a book together about what this time of life means for couples. For it's our fundamental belief that this is a shared change.
Women need to know that men will support and care for them. And men need to know that whatever element of their partner's menopause they find difficult — her mood swings, her insomnia, her health, her body changes — it's never as difficult as it is for her.
So, here's how men can step up in menopause...
'As men, there's nothing natural in our lives that compares with the menopause — "I know how you must feel" will never apply', writes Neil Usher
Never 'mansplain' the menopause
As men, there's nothing natural in our lives that compares with the menopause — 'I know how you must feel' will never apply.
Nor do we understand the physical and emotional effects of 30 years of the menstrual cycle. When the menopause arrives, we imagine women will just deal with it like they did periods, right?
But beware. The female hormones that counter stress and have a calming effect — oestrogen and progesterone — go haywire at this time of life, meaning women become far less tolerant of male disinterest.
If a man is unprepared to invest the time and energy to understand what his partner is going through, she may well start to question the future of the relationship.
Besides, doing nothing as the woman we love goes through the wringer of the menopause — especially if they're one of the quarter of women for whom it's truly awful — is a pretty shabby way to behave.
The first thing to do is talk about it, acknowledging menopause for what it is — a shared experience.
Remember: your role is not to offer a solution, but to listen — and then do what she asks. Menopausal women tend to say it as it is, and if we try to explain to them what they're going through, we'll soon be told to be quiet.
Change YOUR lifestyle too (booze included)
Men should see their wife's menopause as a golden opportunity to change their lifestyle for the better, both focussing on diet, exercise and alcohol consumption
For some women, the change in hormones means upping their focus on diet, exercise and alcohol consumption — whether that's to combat symptoms or to boost self-esteem. The smart response is to increase your focus on these things, too.
It's unfair simply to carry on as before — if the roles were reversed, you'd probably expect full compliance from her and a bucketload of sympathy, too.
So see it as a golden opportunity to change your lifestyle for the better.
In our marriage, Kate outlined what she needed and set the pace. Meanwhile, I took the lead in research, meal-planning, shopping for food and its preparation, to lighten her mental load.
We reduced our intake of sugar, salt, saturated fats, processed and ultra-processed foods (UPF) together. UPF messes with the body's hormonal balance, caffeine can stimulate hot flushes and sugar is terrible for the waistline, among many other parts of the body.
And while that's particularly bad during menopause, let's face it, UPFs are terrible for men, too, especially in midlife.
If you don't know how to cook, you must learn now. And try a variety of new foods — eat the rainbow, as they say. Fresh produce of all colours provides nutrients, fibre and some (good) sweetness.
Alcohol exacerbates many of the symptoms of menopause, so if she's cut down or even sworn off it for good, you need to, too. Our old friend resentment will build pretty quickly otherwise.
For some men, reducing alcohol is the hardest commitment to make, but it's also the hardest thing for her to do alone.
Commit to stepping up your exercise together — you don't have to actually work out together or even do the same things, but make fitness a joint venture.
Yes, all these changes may impact your social life, especially those pre-menopause friendships that thrive on barbecues, boozing and blowing smoke rings. The invitations might dry up, which is what happened for me and Kate. But we learned to adjust.
We did different things — we went to art galleries, took walks together, caught up on movies. We didn't stop going for a drink, but more often than not we made it a non-alcoholic one. Remember, you have nothing to apologise for in changing your lifestyle for the better.
Have a 'safe phrase' to defuse rows
Common symptoms of the menopause include mood swings and hot flushes which can happen at any time
Menopause means mood swings may be more frequent and more severe. None of this is an excuse to disappear to the pub (see above in any case).
Your partner doesn't want to have moods like this; but she's stuck with it. Men need to understand that a ferocious mood isn't a rejection of us, but a request for help and understanding. Just perhaps not a rational or calm one.
You can help by recognising triggers for your partner's mood changes and helping her avoid them. Don't just point at the volcano erupting, but find a safe path away — however annoyed or frustrated you may be feeling.
Of course, peace-making shouldn't be confused with becoming habitually submissive or simply rolling over on every occasion for an easier life.
Kate and I agreed that, if I felt she was being unreasonable, or her emotional response was disproportionate, I could call it out. We therefore had a 'safe expression' we both agreed — a phrase that meant 'Hello? It's me, I'm not the enemy, and you're being too much now.'
Pick a phrase which reminds you of an in-joke or a moment of shared laughter, something only the two of you would understand.
When I invoked ours, there was often a moment of processing on Kate's part, a plateau that usually led to a gradual climbdown.
It's possible that you will be the accidental trigger from time to time. Frankly, you'll need to get used to being called an idiot on occasions. It may be fully deserved, of course. And you must also understand that your moods can be a trigger for hers, and learn to control them.
Change the sheets for her at 3am
Helping your wife get through menopause may mean having a process for when sheets need changing at 3am because menopausal sweats have drenched them
Whether it's insomnia or a combination of symptoms, the menopause can eat greedily into a woman's sleep. Managing the situation doesn't mean heading for the spare room. That degree of rejection only compounds the problem.
Instead, there are several key things you can do. During the day, make sure she has a rest space available, healthy food and drink within reach and a phone to act as a 'menopause hotline' for when you're not there but she wants to talk. When Kate called me at work, it was often because she wanted one or two words of reassurance. I have a corporate job, and we both knew I couldn't spent hours on the phone, but I did make myself available when she rang.
At night, it may mean having a process for when sheets need changing at 3am because menopausal sweats have drenched them. Yes, this should be your job, not your exhausted wife's.
Have fresh linen and nightwear on hand, and a waiting space, like a comfy chair, for your partner while the bedding is changed (I doubled up on the sheets to avoid needing to change the duvet cover). Keep the lighting low so it's easier to get back to sleep.
And if you miss the 6.47am train the next day because you're putting the third set of sheets in the tumble dryer, remember there's another at 7.12am.
Put aside your ego in the bedroom
The menopause changes intimacy radically, so it is important to talk to each other, no matter how hard that seems at first
The menopause changes intimacy so radically that you simply cannot avoid talking about it in a healthy relationship. It affects both a woman's attitude to intimacy and her physical responses. The culprits for this include hot flushes and night sweats, insomnia, changes in body shape and anxiety.
But they also include less-discussed symptoms such as vaginal dryness, which can make sex painful.
What can you do? Talk to each other, no matter how hard that seems at first.
Compliment her, too — especially in front of other people. This needn't be complicated. Just saying 'You look wonderful tonight', or 'I'm so proud to be with you' can have an incredibly powerful effect.
We become jaded and forget to say these things, but they're rocket fuel to a relationship.
You should also develop a healthy familiarity with the aids that may be required.
Outside of car maintenance, heterosexual men can be incredibly uncomfortable with the idea of lubricant, seeing it as a sign of failure in gel form (making it all about us, again). Put aside that ego ASAP, and find a product that works for her — you may want to let her make the choice.
If you put in the work on intimacy, rather than putting it on hold, then surviving menopause together can lead to a deeper, more rewarding sexual relationship — yes, really.
And what happens next is even better . . .
'If you follow this guide and provide support through the tough times, then you will find yourselves on a new path to an even better, closer relationship,' says Neil Usher. Pictured with wife Kate
Ask men what happens when the menopause is over, and most won't have a clue.
'Well, it all goes back to normal?' they might reply. But, of course, it doesn't. Biologically, it can't.
During the menopause, women experience a decline in hormones that changes them.
The hormones that drive the menstrual cycle not only keep a woman's body supple and bones strong, but help to give her qualities we identify as feminine: relationship-building, empathy and caring, in particular.
As men we'll have unconsciously benefited from female oestrogen for several decades of our lives.
With menopause, however, these drivers lessen — the instinct to put others first stops being so important.
As a result, men should know there are several scenarios in which post-menopausal women decide to call time on their marriage altogether.
Perhaps they feel their partner hasn't been on the journey with them — has ignored the hardships of menopause, not talked, offered no support, rejected intimacy, kept out of the way. It's surely an influential factor in many late-life divorces.
At this stage I need to reassure every man reading this that second-phase women are remarkable. If you follow this guide and provide support through the tough times, then you will find yourselves on a new path to an even better, closer relationship.
Your efforts will be amply repaid, as long as you prove yourself a worthy partner right now.
There are intimacy benefits, too, being blunt about it.
If your sex life has suffered, then you'll have the perfect opportunity to reinvigorate things in the bedroom. This is a time for reappraisal and making plans.
As Kate says: 'We're stepping forward into a life of our own making. It's thrilling and exhilarating.'
It's an honour to be on that journey with her.
How to tell him you're menopausal
As I progressed through my 40s, I seemed to change both on the inside and the outside. I'd slept like a baby all my life, but throughout my perimenopause, over a period of four years, I had four nights of solid sleep. I look back now and wonder how I functioned at all.
'The only option is to learn what is happening to you together,' writes Kate Usher
By the time I hit 50, I was miserable. Exhausted and comfort eating everything in sight, I piled on more than two-and-a-half stone. I was struggling with more than 30 symptoms. There were times when I resented Neil for not knowing what I was going through. But how could he? He isn't telepathic.
This is why women have to talk about the menopause with their partners and enlist their help. Men have a key role to play. And if they don't step up, that resentment can build and build, until your whole relationship is at risk. Because, frankly, women have had enough of pretending.
It's not for us to do everything within our power to continue to function emotionally and physically as we once did for our partner's benefit, to meet their expectations of us. On the contrary, it falls to them to re-set with us for a new phase of life.
Yes, some women will feel slightly sick at the thought of having to declare themselves menopausal to their partner. Women fear that the person who loves and desires them will, in that moment, see them shrivel like a prune before their eyes.
And yet, in reality, the opposite is true. If we want to keep our relationship loved up (and, most hope, sexed up), the only option is to learn what is happening to you together. Yes, it can be hard for men. Menopausal mood swings can see women go from deep insatiable desire to repulsion in the blink of an eye, for example.
But if we do navigate the years of perimenopause and menopause together, there are big rewards at the end of it — a vibrant, energised, intimate future. That's worth his time and effort, I promise.
- Adapted from A Couple's Guide To Menopause by Kate Usher & Neil Usher, which is published by Hero Press on July 30, at £16.99. © Kate Usher and Neil Usher 2024. To order a copy for £15.29 (offer valid to 10/08/24; UK P&P free on orders over £25) go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937.