DEAR JANE: My ex-husband's new wife punishes our children in the most VILE way - but he refuses to stop her

Dear Jane,

I have two children with my ex-husband – an eight-year-old son and a six-year-old daughter. My ex and I split when our kids were four and two, and we have both gone on to remarry. 

We were very conscious when we met our respective partners about introducing them to our children as sensitively as possible, taking plenty of time to make sure they were the right people to bring into our blended family dynamic.

My second husband has a son of his own and is great with kids, so I wasn't too worried, however my ex's new wife has never had kids and I know she was very nervous about taking on the role of stepmom. 

So she was, understandably, a bit more apprehensive than my husband when it came to meeting them, although I just assumed she'd warm up the more she got to know them.

Dear Jane, my ex-husband's new wife punishes our children in an abhorrent way - but he refuses to step in and stop her 

Our kids are very energetic and confident, and that's something we've always encouraged, but it also means discipline is a pretty big deal in our households.

My ex and I sat down when we first had our son and discussed what we were and weren't willing to tolerate in terms of behavior, and also what kind of parents we wanted to be. 

We both agreed that we would never use physical violence or shouting to reprimand our kids, and would instead focus more on conversation and education to explain right from wrong.

But despite sharing this with both of our partners, my ex's new wife doesn't seem to have gotten the message.

When my kids arrived home from a stay with their dad yesterday, my son told me that he'd gotten into trouble for stealing candy out of the kitchen cupboard – and that his stepmother had smacked his hands with a wooden spoon as a punishment.

I immediately phoned his dad to ask what in the hell had happened, but he said that he'd been out at the time, and that when he got home, our son was sitting in his room playing video games and that he 'seemed fine'.

Now, my son didn't have any visible injuries from this so-called punishment – which was the first thing my ex asked – but to my mind, that doesn't matter. I am furious at the fact that this woman would dare to hit my child when both my ex and I had explicitly told her we don't use violence to discipline.

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My ex didn't seem to share my horror though. He insisted that he'd speak to his wife about it, but then said that he wanted her to feel as though she had a right to parent our kids as she saw fit.

I'm really struggling with this one, Jane. I don't feel comfortable sending my kids to stay with this woman again, but I don't want to cause trouble in what has, thus far, been a pretty great period of co-parenting with my ex. But I cannot and will not subject my children to that kind of behavior.

Should I trust my ex to deal with it, or should I take more drastic action?

From,

A Spoonful of Trouble

Dear Spoonful of Trouble,

I am so sorry this happened. I know exactly how painful it is to release your young children into the care of their other parent, only for them to be treated appallingly by the stepparent. And, I know how powerless you feel.

But, not only can you not trust your ex to deal with this, you must step in immediately to protect your children. 

Your former husband has already proven to you that he is not willing to protect the children from his wife, and does not care that his wife is disciplining them in a way that you both disagree with. As an FYI, according to the US-Child-Development and Family Center, handling a child roughly in any way is a form of corporal punishment, and hitting a child with a wooden spoon is considered abuse.

I hear that you don't want to start trouble, but you are the only one who is able to step in and set a boundary to protect your kids. 

According to the CDC, moderate physical punishment has been associated with numerous short-term negative outcomes in children, including: increases in aggression and antisocial behavior, impaired cognitive ability, and decreased self-esteem. 

Mama, your job is to ensure the physical, emotional and mental wellbeing of your children. Consequences for bad behavior are necessary. Physical violence, particularly from a step-parent, although this is slightly irrelevant, is not. Put the people-pleasing and conciliatory nature aside, and step up to this challenge. 

Your children's safety and wellbeing depend upon it.

I would start by going over there to inform your husband's wife of the above information, and let her know that if it ever happens again, you will go to the police and start legal action to stop visitation.

In fact, I might talk to your divorce lawyer as well, and find out where you stand legally with custody, and whether it is important to report this initial incident to the police so there is a record.

I'm sorry it has come to this, but your priority is your children, and this women has absolutely no right, either parental or legal, to take an instrument to your child as a form of punishment. Your job now is to ensure their protection, and that there will be very serious consequences should she do it again.

Dear Jane,

Three years ago, my best friend's husband came to me for some financial help. The two of them had been going through IVF and were burning through their savings at a terrifying rate, so he asked whether I'd be able to lend them some money to keep their IVF journey going.

At the time, he asked me to keep it a secret from my best friend, because he didn't want to add any more stress to her plate when she was already dealing with the devastation of failed rounds of IVF. Although I felt a bit uncomfortable at the thought of lying to her, I agreed, because honestly I wanted to do anything and everything in my power to help her achieve her dream of becoming a mom.

He told me that he'd start saving immediately and was aiming to pay me back within six months. I had some money in savings that I wasn't using, about $15,000, so I agreed to loan it to him so they didn't have to cancel their next round of fertility treatment.

I'm overjoyed to say that they did go on to welcome a beautiful baby daughter about a year later, and I'm now the proudest godmother to that little girl.

My best friend was pregnant when that six-month deadline passed, so when her husband made no mention of paying me back, I decided to give him a bit more time to allow the two of them to settle into parenthood.

However, it's now been three years since that deadline expired. And despite my asking him multiple times, he is now flatly refusing to return the money, claiming that he cannot afford it and that all the money they are making is going towards raising their daughter.

I understand that having kids is expensive – I have two myself! – but my husband and I are now looking at renovating our home and really need that money in order to make our own dreams a possibility.

I don't want to damage my relationship with my best friend by telling her that I went behind her back and lent him the money, but I'm not sure how else to get him to pay up? He seems to think it's perfectly fine that he's effectively stolen from me and is showing no remorse?

So what do I do?

From,

Piggy Bank in the Middle

Dear Piggy Bank in the Middle,

Oh, but this is painful to read, but more painful for you if you continue to expect to see this money again. 

When Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, 'Neither a borrower nor a lender be, for loan oft loses both itself and friend…' he knew what he was talking about.

I hate to break this to you, but the only way for you to find peace around this is to rewrite the narrative and look at this as a gift. 

You can, and probably should, tell your friend, except I worry that this will blow up your friendship, as only the topic of money can. That risk may be worth it to you.

Either way, I think it unlikely that they will be able to pay you back.

Instead, if you are able, put this down to a valuable life lesson. Never, ever lend money to anyone. 

If friends or family are in a financial bind, and if you are willing and able to help them out, look upon that money as a gift, and do not expect to be paid back. It's the only way to maintain friendships when money is involved.