TRACEY COX reveals 20 ultimate sex tips for the modern woman (and it means questioning everything you think you know)

Earlier this month, one of the most influential trailblazers of sex education – Dr Ruth – died at the grand old age of 96.

We have so much to thank Ruth Westheimer for.

She used words like ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ when no-one else dared, she spoke up for gay and lesbian rights and refused to condemn porn. Her open-minded approach to sex had never been seen before - and everyone loved her for it.

Nothing was off-limits for Dr Ruth. Her practical tips like ‘Have sex before you go out to dinner’ and ‘You don’t have to share your fantasies’ have stood the test of time.

In celebration of this warm, wonderful woman’s lifelong legacy, here’s my top 20 sex tips, also collected over decades of writing and researching sex.

Stock image. Sex columnist, Tracey Cox, said we should question everything you think you know about sex - if a man isn’t hard, he isn’t aroused. If a woman isn’t ‘wet’, she isn’t turned on, both are false

1. Question everything you think you know about sex

If a man isn’t hard, he isn’t aroused. If a woman isn’t ‘wet’, she isn’t turned on. Both are false. So many things affect how your genitals behave that have nothing to do with arousal. How hydrated we are, how much sleep we’ve had, what happened in the previous sex session, what medication we’re on, how much we’ve had to drink, what drugs (prescription and recreational) we’ve taken. The list is endless.

2. Porn is entertainment not sex education 

There are no lessons on how to be a good lover to be learnt from it. Most porn is based around a male fantasy of how they would like sex to be. It is not in any way representative of sex the average couple have. It is pretty much the opposite of what most women want.

3. There is time for sex

Time magically creates when you both put your phones down.

4. Always use lube

Regardless of what age you are, what you’re doing and who you’ve doing it with, adding extra lubrication always makes sex feel better.

5. How you both react to any erection issue is critical to what happens next

Thinking there’s a problem when there really isn’t one is the cause of many ED issues. The penis isn’t robotic, it’s as human as its owner. Some days, no matter how tempting what’s on offer, it’s not interested in coming out to play. This is normal. Laugh it off, don’t make a fuss about it or take it personally or you risk the anxiety cycle starting. He doesn’t get an erection because he’s too anxious and because he doesn’t get an erection, he’s even more anxious the next time.

Sex and relationships expert Tracey Cox (pictured) reveals her top 20 sex tips from unlearning assumptions we have about sex to occasionally faking an orgasm

6. Being able to talk comfortably about sex together means all sex problems can be solved

Not being able to talk openly and honestly means the simplest sex hiccup can ruin everything.

7. Wanting variety is different than being bored

It doesn’t mean your partner is unhappy with the sex you’re having if they want to try something new. Our sex lives and drives need variety. Don’t feel threatened, embrace it.

8. It’s normal to have sex when you don’t want to if you’re in a long-term relationship

Couples who have regular sex estimate between 20 to 25 per cent of sessions are done to please their partner, not themselves. Desire isn’t the only motivation to have sex. Doing it because you love your partner, want to make them happy and want connection and intimacy are also very good reasons to get naked. It might not sound very woke to have sex when you don’t feel like it – and it should very much cut both ways – but ask anyone in a happy long-term relationship and they’ll confirm it’s all part of the give and take of a healthy sex life.

9. Wait for the mood to strike and you’ll end up in a sexless relationship

Planning sex is the only way to ensure it happens in a long-term relationship.

10. An orgasm each isn’t the measure of a good sex session

The most exciting sex you’ve ever had might not include either of you climaxing. Orgasms last seconds or minutes: it’s the getting there bit that’s the fun part.

11. Stop falling for the myth about spontaneous sex

My inbox is full of emails from people moaning about how sex isn’t spontaneous ‘like it was at the start’. Really? We never plan sex more than we do at the beginning of a relationship. We think about what to do together first, what clothes to wear (especially underwear). We imagine what we’ll do to together, tell each other how much we long to be kissing, touching, enjoying each other’s bodies. Foreplay begins the moment we open our eyes, and everything is mentally rehearsed and planned so everything is perfect. Learn from how you were at the start: planned sex doesn’t have to be forced sex. Anticipation is a fine substitute for spontaneity.

Love and lust don't go together like bacon and eggs. What we want from love – security, routine, to feel safe, wanted, protected – is the opposite to what fuels desire

12. Chemistry is great but technique is more important

The initial flush of lust carries you a little way. But once that wears off, technique is paramount. Happily, sex skills can be learnt. Educate yourself, ask your partner what they want and follow instructions.

13. Don’t beat yourself up for faking the odd orgasm

If you have no problems the rest of the time and orgasm easily and regularly with your partner, faking it now and then isn’t a problem. Sometimes, they do everything right and it’s just not going to happen because you missed the moment or feel too tired, drunk or stressed. Sure, it’s better to be in a relationship where you can say, ‘You were amazing but it’s just not happening for me tonight’. But if your partner is sensitive and you know it will worry them, a few groans and moans isn’t going to harm anyone.

14. The way you initiate sex hugely influences whether your partner will say yes

If your partner wants to be thrown on the bed and ravished passionately, scattering rose petals on the bed isn’t going to get them going. Being seduced in a way that doesn’t do it for you means you will say no to sex that you otherwise might have been up for.

15. Love and lust don’t go together like bacon and eggs

What we want from love – security, routine, to feel safe, wanted, protected – is the opposite to what fuels desire. Risk, separation, uncertainty, novelty, anxiety and jealousy. You are forced to make a choice of which is more important to you. Since we have sex a small proportion of the time, love wins. This doesn’t mean lust has to die but it does explain why it’s hard to keep it going. The closest couples are often the ones who lose desire, simply because there’s too much love for lust to survive.

16. Masturbation is good for you – but don’t overdo it

If it’s taking the edge off your desire for sex with your partner, you’re doing it too often.

17. Sex doesn’t mean intercourse

Any sexual, erotic connection counts as sex. Intercourse might be his main event but it’s often not hers. Bite-size, unpredictable sex treats – kissing only, oral sex only - are infinitely more exciting than sex that follows a formula…

18. Sex doesn’t have a beginning, middle and end

Move away from the foreplay then intercourse then orgasm equation and your sex life will dramatically improve. All sex sessions don’t need to end in orgasm and all sex sessions don’t have to include intercourse.

19. Find your normal

It doesn’t matter what anyone else is doing or how often they’re doing it. If the both of you are happy, that’s all that counts.

20. If you want something from your partner, be specific and give examples

Don’t say, ‘I want more romance’, say ‘I’d love it if you’d set the scene for sex by dimming the lights and putting on music.’ 

Things mean different things to different people. 

In one infamous experiment, half the men who were asked to do something romantic for their wife washed her car.