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End-of-life carers reveal dying words they hear most - and patients' most common regrets
When a person enters hospice care, they understand death is around corner.
Chaplains have the grave responsibility of spiritually guiding dying patients to their final moments, listening to their concerns and their fears.
While everyone’s final moments differ, hospice chaplains and nurses have said most people approach their death with ‘radical acceptance.'
People who are actively dying also often have a newfound sense of clarity about the universe and may even get a temporary burst of energy or sudden moments of clarity if they have dementia.
The last words of patients are typically telling relatives they love them, wishing they had spent less of their life working, and assuring family that they’re going to be ok.
Chaplains told DailyMail.com that people in the midst of dying want to be surrounded by loved ones and pets. Their last words are often words of love and pleas for forgiveness, as well as voicing of regrets like working too much
Rev Catherine Duncan has helped guide thousands of patients and their families to death’s door
It’s a hard job, and no one knows it better than Rev Catherine Duncan, who has helped guide thousands of patients and their families to death’s door.
She told DailyMail.com: ‘In hospice, when it's planned, and you're with someone in the final hours it's called actively dying.
'I would say more often than not in most people there's a peace, there's acceptance, they work through whatever layer they need to to accept dying.’
‘People commonly will bring up what they need to forgive, what they need to let go of, if have any regrets.
'And a big takeaway would be realizing that they spent so much of their life focused on the external world.
'They spent their life focusing on money or having a nice home or a car, all the external trappings, to realize it's not what it's about. It's about love in your heart.’
Even before she became a hospice chaplain, Rev Duncan witnessed the peaceful death of her mother-in-law. She described a room bathed in light and a zen atmosphere.
She said: ‘She literally said to me, I'm ready and I'm not afraid. And there was just this light within and around her. It was just beautiful.’
Based on input from several hospice chaplains, her mother-in-law’s perspective is not unique. Most people dying in hospice share that sense of peaceful acceptance.
Annemarie Switchulis, a hospice nurse, said people often fear that their final moments will feel like suffocating
Oftentimes it’s the job of a chaplain or hospice nurse to allay a dying patient’s fears.
Annemarie Switchulis, a nurse who has held the hands of hundreds of dying patients, said they usually first voice fear that their final moments will feel like suffocating.
She typically assures them that no, death does not feel like suffocation. People who have had near-death experiences have likened the peaceful transition from life to one's final exhale to unplugging a computer.
They also often want to be surrounded by loved ones and even pets to make the environment as pleasant as possible.
She said: ‘Always something that you hear if they have many children, "Please take care of each other. Please, don't worry about me. I'll be okay. Tell me you'll be okay."
'And those are the final words that most people want to hear.
‘Usually I'll coach family members to say, "Tell him you're going to be okay. Tell him the most important things that you've given them."'
She added: ‘Usually, we have a lot of discussions about how they want to be remembered – what does their legacy mean to them?
'Because most of them don't want to be remembered as being sick, or how they are that day.
‘A lot of people do seem to want to talk about religion and forgiveness, talk about any regrets that they have and what they would like to do to make sure that they're telling everyone they're sorry and I love you.’
The final days are typically marked with increased spirituality and a craving to be closer to a higher power. Neal Shah, CEO of CareYaya, a health tech company that specializes in elder care, said people also show a ‘desire for connection’ with loved ones and faith.
Neal Shah, CEO of CareYaya, a health tech company that specializes in elder care, said people also show a ‘desire for connection’ with loved ones and faith.
He added: ‘Some voice regrets, while others find peace or closure. These responses are deeply personal and shaped by individual experiences.’
Many reconnect with their religious traditions that they may have jettisoned in adulthood. A lapsed Catholic, for instance, will likely ask their chaplain to pray with them.
The chaplain, who serves as a cross between a minister and a therapist, discusses the patient’s chosen system of belief ahead of time and taps into that to help a patient feel most at ease about their impending death.
Zackary Price, a Georgia-based chaplain, likened his job to that of the ferryman of the Greek underworld, Charon, who carried the deceased across the River Styx. But in his mind, life does not end with death.
He said: ‘It’s actually very, very rewarding because, for me, death is not the opposite of life.
'The opposite of death is birth. It's just like the first law of thermonuclear dynamics in physics – energy can neither be created or destroyed. It simply changes form.’
Like Rev Duncan, who wrote about her near-death experience in her forthcoming book Everyday Awakening, Rev Price also had a near-death experience.
His occurred when he was 12. His mother was driving him and his sister to school. His mother, intoxicated at the time, sustained minor cuts and bruises, as did his sister.
Price, though, suffered a lacerated liver and colon, a broken vertebrae, two collapsed lungs, and fell into a coma. His heart seized soon after arriving at the hospital, and he died.
Zackary Price, a Georgia-based chaplain, likened his job to that of the ferryman of the Greek underworld, Charon, who carried the deceased across the River Styx
His exposure to the mysteries of the universe in that experience transformed him, setting him on a trajectory to study theology and become an ordained minister.
He said he ‘felt intimately connected to and a part of every occurrence that was taking place around me. Essentially, I was everything that was happening.’
His study of both Western and Eastern religious traditions has informed the way he thinks about death and what he attempts to impress upon his patients. And simply holding someone’s hand in their final hours can be enough.
Rev Price said: ‘There's something called the ministry of presence, it is very common in end of life care. And that is being a firm, stable, grounded presence, as they're going through this transition, letting them know, without saying a word, that it's okay.’