DEAR JANE: A petty argument about bridesmaids dresses is DESTROYING my family

Dear Jane,

I desperately need your advice.

My only child, my daughter, is getting married in October, and in January, all of the bridesmaids went to pick out their dresses together. Because they all have different body types, my daughter suggested they choose a style that they felt most comfortable in – as long as the dresses were sleeveless and made from the same black chiffon fabric. 

The two Maids of Honor were then going to wear the same sleeved design in a different color because my daughter wanted them to stand out and feel special.

Everyone picked a their dress and they all seemed really happy with them, including my daughter.

But two months later one of the bridesmaids, who was pretty salty about not being chosen as Maid of Honor, decided she wanted to change her style. And without checking with the bride, she ordered a dress in the exact same style as the Maids of Honor. 

Dear Jane, my daughter is getting married in October - but she's embroiled in a furious fight with her cousin over bridesmaids dresses and it's threatening to ruin the wedding 

When my daughter found out, she told her that she couldn't do that because it wasn't what she'd envisioned for the bridal party look, and insisted that she change back to the original design.

At this point, the bridesmaid blew up – and flatly refused to change her design.

Now, you might be wondering why the hell my daughter didn't just axe her from the bridal party, but the thing is, the bridesmaid in question in my niece. And she and my daughter have been close friends for years.

My daughter is furious and so upset by her cousin's behavior, and my husband and I have no idea what we should advise her to do. My sister has already been in touch to defend my niece, insisting that my daughter is the one to blame for being 'fussy', which made me really angry.

My niece is now getting really petty about the whole thing, and when my daughter phoned her last week to ask her again to change her design, she 'accidentally' told her about a surprise couples' shower the family had been planning for her ahead of the wedding.

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It sounds like such a stupid, small thing, but I'm really worried that this is going to turn into an all-out war in our family, which is the last thing I want just a few months before the wedding.

Please help!

From,

Dress Distress

Dear Dress Distress,

It's so upsetting how weddings so often bring out the worst in people, and it would be truly a shame for this to cause a big family fight.

These kinds of things get bigger, and gather more steam as more people get involved, and there is a momentum in this kind of bad behavior. 

Your sister phoning you to accuse your daughter of being fussy is probably not helpful. In fact, I would argue that this issue is something that your daughter needs to resolve with her cousin, and that all others need to stay out of it. 

This means that when your sister tries to discuss it with you next time, you tell her you've agreed with your daughter not to discuss it with anyone, leaving the two of them figure it out.

I think it is up to your daughter to set the boundaries here. She needs to sit down with her cousin, let her know exactly why she is so upset, and perhaps let her know that she loves her, wants her to be involved, but if the cousin cannot accept her terms, she will have to regretfully remove her from the wedding party.

After that, let the chips fall where they may, as long as you, and your daughter, stay out of gossiping about it with other family members. I hope it works out, and that your daughter has a beautiful day.

Dear Jane,

My roommate and I have been living together for the past six months – and for the last three months, he's been refusing to take his bipolar medication, which has made our living situation really miserable.

He's always been really good about managing his bipolar disorder, but something kind of snapped a while back, and he's been a nightmare ever since.

He works from home and literally never leaves the house, stays up all hours of the night making so much noise, and his mood swings are getting really aggressive.

I no longer want to bring friends over because I never know what I'm going to find when I get home, and being around someone with such erratic moods makes me feel constant stress.

I've tried talking with him about it, tried to convince him to take his meds again, and even to just speak to a therapist or his parents about what he's going through, but he won't.

After three months of this hell, I really want to ask him to move out so I can find another roommate and get back to normal life… but I feel so guilty about throwing him out when he so obviously needs support.

So what's the answer?

From,

Roommate Doom

Dear Roommate Doom,

I am so sorry you are going through this. What an impossible situation, to watch someone's decline who obviously needs help. 

You clearly care about him, and kudos to you for trying to talk to him, even though he hasn't been willing to listen.

As hard as this is to hear, especially given how much empathy and compassion you have, he is not your responsibility. 

You do not have to feel guilty at setting a boundary, which means sitting him down and telling him that unless he looks after himself and continues taking his medication, he will have to move out. 

By all means offer to accompany him to his doctor if he wants support and you are willing to do this, but the rules do not change.

You don't have to go into details. As much as you want to help him, you have a right to protect your own peace. 

This is a clear, simple boundary, one that he will either accept, or refuse, after which you can give him written notice.