DEAR CAROLINE: I had an affair. Then my husband hired a private detective and placed a tracker on my car…

Q I have been trapped in a financially abusive marriage with a controlling narcissist for 20 years. I've felt unable to leave as my elderly parents and child live with us. I also own nothing – our cars, houses and money are all in his name – and was forced to live on benefits and take cleaning jobs to support myself. I've been lonely, isolated and miserable for a very long time. 

Last year I embarked on an affair with a married colleague. My husband hired a private detective, and a tracker was secretly placed on the car he lets me drive. He was furious and started divorce proceedings, but these were halted when he found out I was entitled to 50 per cent of everything. He then repeatedly stalled over disclosing his true financial position. We continue to live together but apart, which is not much different from how the marriage has always been. He has rubbished my name to everyone we know and this has added to my isolation. 

It has also come to light that he lied about his income and savings on all the joint benefit forms we have claimed over the years and this is now being investigated by the authorities. I have always been kept in the dark over our finances and am worried that we are both going to be in a lot of trouble.

A This is indeed financial abuse. He has controlled everything about your life. Your feeling of powerlessness is summed up by the phrase 'the car he lets me drive' – as though he was granting you permission for something that is your right. It must be a huge worry for you that your joint finances are being investigated. 

Deidre Cartwright at Surviving Economic Abuse says that, sadly, they hear all the time from people who've had an abuser use the welfare system to control them by falsely getting benefits in their name, hiding financial information or coercing them into making bogus claims. 

But there is support available. See the charity's website (survivingeconomicabuse.org) for help and also call the Money Advice Plus financial support line (0808 196 8845) for victims of economic abuse. You need a way out of this situation – it must be awful still living in the same house. I am concerned about you being at risk of physical violence from your husband should you decide to leave, so please contact refuge.org.uk to discuss a safety strategy. 

Finally, it is appalling but typical of your husband to blame you in his conversations with friends and relatives. No one could condemn you for having an affair if they knew the situation. You very much needed love and affirmation elsewhere as you were getting none at home. It is very sad (and not surprising) how lonely you feel, so please tell some trusted friends the full story, as you need that support. You might also consider counselling. 

WE'VE RUN OUT OF THINGS TO TALK ABOUT

Q My husband and I went on holiday a few weeks ago. We've had the odd short break while our children were growing up, but this was our first two-week trip alone as a couple for 20 years. Now that our children are 19 and 17, understandably, they no longer want to come with us, but I really missed them. 

I have loved our family holidays over the years – we usually get on really well and do sports together. But without them it felt flat and rather boring. Thinking about it since has made me question my marriage and whether my husband and I are really happy together. We get on OK and don't really argue, but I worry that we've run out of things to talk about. Where do I go from here?

A All marriages have highs and lows. Children leaving home is often a crisis point, but it can also be a time for growth when you rediscover each other. However, it doesn't sound as if your marriage has any major problems, so I wonder whether you are a little depressed. You clearly really enjoy spending time with your children and are now anticipating that empty nest. You are grieving for the time when they were little. Low mood or depression can take the edge off being able to enjoy anything, even time with your spouse. So don't be afraid to talk to your husband and tell him a little of how you are feeling. 

It might help to go to counselling together to steer your way through this stage (relate.org.uk) but it would also be a good idea for you both to take on some fresh challenges (separately and together) such as learning a new skill or getting involved in a project to bring stimulation into your lives.

If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email [email protected]. You can follow Caroline on X/Twitter @Ask_Caroline_

Caroline reads all your letters but regrets she cannot answer each one personally