How to know when you're truly in love, and when it's really over: The 20 toughest truths and advice that made realtionship guru SIMON GILHAM famous

For most people, a successful Covid-19 lockdown involved making the odd loaf of banana bread. Simon Gilham, however, spent the dark months of 2020 starting a social-media empire. The 49-year-old was working as CEO of the watch-selling company Zeon and living in Kent with his wife and five children. Gilham felt sad and a little aimless so, as a way to cheer himself and others up, he began posting videos of himself dishing out no-nonsense life advice on social media.

His delivery was direct (in one clip he warns viewers that ‘if your partner is treating you like they don’t give a s**t, then trust me, they genuinely don’t give a s**t’) but people liked it. Within a couple of months, he had two million followers on TikTok; today he has 8.4 million and a further 1.2 million on Instagram. Here are 20 of his toughest truths about love.

If you don’t know if someone is The One, ask yourself: do you love who you are when you’re with them? Healthy relationships should enhance your life, not diminish your sense of self-worth.

If you ever feel like you’re hard to love, you’re not the problem; you might just be asking the wrong person to love you. You’ll never be ‘too much’ for someone who simply can’t get enough of you.

There is no such thing as a perfect partner. So, concentrate on finding someone who has many of the qualities you like and has similar values, and work on building a fantastic relationship.

Never fall in love with the same person twice. The second time, you fall in love with the memories, not the person.

Life is made up of games: select the game you wish to play, learn the rules and work out how to succeed.

Lasting relationships require a lot of forgiveness. Figure out if you’re willing to go through the ups and downs with them and navigate life together, because that’s what love is about.

If a man truly wants you, you won’t have to ask for effort. He’ll call, he’ll text, he’ll make time – no man is too busy for a woman he genuinely desires.

You can’t cheat on someone you’re truly in love with. Because true love is more than just butterflies; it’s the quiet comfort of finding your home in another.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot force someone to be with you. Don’t compel anyone to stay in your life; if they decide to leave, that’s their loss.

Your happiness is largely your responsibility. While external factors can influence your mood, you have the power to choose how you react.

No woman leaves because her partner made a mistake – she left because they made it a habit. Many women prefer to work through challenges with their existing partner than begin anew with someone else. Her continued presence in the relationship is indicative of her hope that her partner will become the one she deserves. However, a false sense of security regarding her loyalty can lead to her partner taking her for granted and disrespecting her. Never assume that someone’s unwavering support in the past guarantees their presence in the future.

One of the most toxic traits a person can have is expecting you to be OK with something that they wouldn’t be OK with if the roles were switched. Recognise and avoid double standards in relationships – if someone expects you to tolerate behaviour they wouldn’t accept, it’s unfair.

The hardest goodbyes often lead to the most meaningful hellos. Saying goodbye to someone significant can be tough but embrace the uncertainty – let it guide you to unexpected joys and opportunities, and open your heart to new people, experiences and lessons that will enrich your life.

A man often leaves a woman for another woman. But a woman often leaves a man for herself.

You know it’s over when you’re more in love with the memories than with the person standing in front of you.

Being alone doesn’t make you lonely; being surrounded by the wrong people does.

You haven’t met all the people who are going to love you yet, and you haven’t met all the people you are going to love.

The most profound relationships are not those without conflict, but those where conflicts lead to greater understanding.

Partners don’t leave you for someone who is better – or better looking. They leave you for someone who’s easier.

If it makes you happy, it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else.

Visit Simon’s website: xgilham.com.  

This is an edited extract from Stop Lying to Yourself: 101 Hard Truths to Help You Change Your Life by Simon Gilham, to be published on 22 August (Ebury, £14.99). To order a copy for £12.74 until 18 August, go to mailshop.co.uk/books or call 020 3176 2937. Free UK delivery on orders over £25.