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Are you giving your partner the ick without even realising it? TRACEY COX reveals the top 30 sex turn-offs for men and women
When it comes to sex, everyone has their preferences – and their pet peeves.
While we’re all wildly individual in what we do and don’t like in bed, there are some universal deal breakers that instantly kill the mood.
Here’s my list of the ultimate mood killers on either side of the fence: what women hate men doing in bed and vice versa. Read – and learn.
FOREPLAY
It’s safe to say most women want more foreplay – but not when it’s done tick-the-box style.
She hates it when...
You skip the kissing: Kissing during sex often stops in long-term relationships about six months in. Which is a damn shame because an erotic tongue-kissing session sets our knees trembling, our hearts racing and our groin aching. Stop at your peril.
Sex expert Tracey Cox has revealed 30 instant sex turn-offs as shared by both men and women (Pictured: stock image)
You’re threatened by our vibrator: It instantly makes you seem uncool and immature. The best lover in the world will never be able to stimulate a clitoris better than vibration. It’s great if you need to arouse us quickly– or finish us off when other stimulation isn’t cutting it.
You don’t customise: There is no universal technique that’s guaranteed to turn on every woman. The only way to find out what our idea of sexual nirvana is, is to ask. This is why it’s particularly galling if…
You don’t ask for direction: It’s probably male pride but it comes across as arrogant when you pretend you know our body better than we do. Don’t assume you are doing everything right, say, ‘I’d love it if you show me or tell me exactly what you like’.
You don’t spend long enough on our breasts: If she’s got particularly big breasts, chances are the opposite is true. For normal to small breasted women, there’s a tendency for men to bypass the highly sensitive breast and nipple area and dive straight for the genitals.
He hates it when...
You think foreplay means we do stuff to you – and you never reciprocate. Men like foreplay too, you know! Teasing makes our orgasm more intense as well.
You suggest we watch porn together – then hate our reaction to it. Watching porn is our favourite thing and lots of guys are punished by their partner for watching it. We’re ecstatic when you suggest you want to watch with us – then horrified when you look alarmed at how aroused we are. If you’re going to try it, don’t be insulted if we get super turned on or look ‘too long’ at the screen.
You don’t ever wear sexy underwear. It doesn’t have to be red and crotchless but a sexy push-up bra and flattering knickers means you’ve been looking forward to having sex, too, and want to please us.
You act like a wannabe porn star. It’s try-hard, embarrassingly people-pleasey and condescending. Really? That much noise just because we tweaked your nipple?
Among the male and female sexual pet peeves the expert listed listed were 'being too rough' and 'acting like semen is poison'
You give a list of instructions. It’s one thing to guide, quite another to bark ‘Faster!’, ‘Slower!’, ‘Move to the left!’ like an army general.
ORAL SEX
Getting up close and personal with each other’s most intimate parts was always going to be fraught.
She hates it if...
You only do it when we ask and obviously find it off-putting. A man who says ‘It smells’ when we’re fresh out of the shower (and infection free) or makes a ‘Do I have to?’ face when we ask you to go down on usis not a keeper. And that’s putting it nicely.
You’re too rough: Some women like a very firm tongue but gentle suits most of us. Over-enthusiastic licking will have us squirming - but with pain not pleasure.
You don’t keep it wet. Lots of saliva, please, and a glass of water by the bed in case your mouth dries up.
You change techniques too often: Good for you if you’ve got more than one oral technique that seems to work well. Just don’t chop and change between your extensive repertoire in the same session. The clitoris is boring: it likes repetition not variety.
You insist on 69ers: The idea of a 69er – giving pleasure to each other at the same time – is fabulous conceptually. In reality, it’s all too easy to get lazy on your end and forget to keep your mind on the job.
He hates it if...
You act like you don’t want to be there. If you’re giving me oral just because you feel you must, you might as well not bother. It’s that obvious.
You’re squeamish: If you’re worried about taste or smell, suggest we have a shower first and give it a good old wash. Do it sexily and we’ll think it’s all part of foreplay.
You’re too rough: Yanking back the foreskin if we’re uncircumcised, holding or sucking too hard, pumping our penis like you’re trying to draw water from a dried-up well...these are all top turn-offs.
You have no idea what you’re doing. Not knowing how to give a decent BJ or bothering to find out is unforgivable with all the decent information out there. Create good suction but don’t suck, always use a hand as well as your mouth and push your lips out rather than pull them in to cover your teeth.
You act like semen is poison. You can be a skilled fellatrix without swallowing but at least think ahead about what you’re going to do. Racing to the loo with your hand over your mouth and gagging is tremendously insulting.
INTERCOURSE
It might be the main event for him but there were many pet peeves from women about penetrative sex.
She hates it if...
You ‘jackhammer’: Fast, frenetic thrusting does absolutely nothing to arouse us. Slow, rhythmic thrusting is better but if you really want to please, keep your pelvis close and use a grinding, circular motion to put pressure on our inner clitoris.
You rush to get to the main event: Men who speed through foreplay to get to the ‘good bit’ are missing the point. The ‘good bit’ for us, when we have our orgasms, is foreplay.
You last too long: Some men pride themselves on being able to have intercourse for hours on end. Women dread ‘Will he ever finish?’ Men, being pounded for too long gets monotonous - and it hurts. Lubrication dries up and our vagina feels dry and uncomfortable.
You don’t use lube: The time of the month, dehydration, stress, medication – many factors influence how lubricated we get. Don’t rely on ‘nature’. Have some personal lube at the ready, use it and stop to reapply during long sessions.
You expect to ‘come together’: Only 20 percent of women orgasm purely through penetration. The chance of this happening at all, let alone at exactly the moment you climax, is ridiculously low.
He hates it if...
You never instigate sex: Why is it always left up to the man to make the first move? There is nothing sexier than a woman who lets you know she wants you. Now.
You lie back and us do all the work: Share the load or at least even it with enthusiasm. Thrust your hips up to meet ours, squeeze your pelvic floor muscles tight and grab our buttocks.
You won’t get on top: You think you look fat, we’re too busy focusing on how great your breasts look to notice any perceived imperfections. While we’re on the topic, we also can’t stand it when…
You won’t turn on the light or get out from under the covers: We’re visual creatures: a lot of our erotic pleasure comes from looking. Not being able to see your breasts, your vulva, your bottom, your thighs, takes a lot of the enjoyment out of sex. It also makes us worry you are only having sex because we want to.
You overreact to any erection wobbles: They call it performance anxiety for a reason: it feels like we’re on a stage because you can see exactly what’s happening (unlike for you, where everything is tucked out of sight). It’s normal for us to get nervous and worry it’s not hard enough, big enough, we’re orgasming too fast or lasting too long. Be kind when things don’t go to plan and park the paranoia: it’s no reflection on you.
You’ll find Tracey’s podcast, SexTok, wherever you listen to your podcasts. Her product ranges are sold through Lovehoney and you’ll find her books wherever good books are sold.