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How to stop YOUR husband getting a little bit too close to his 'work wife': Here, psychotherapist CHARLOTTE FOX WEBBER reveals the six ways you can prevent their relationship getting out of hand…
Most of us can't wait to activate the 'out-of-office' email when we're on holiday and take steps to push all thoughts of work to the back of our mind, but if you have a very close bond with your colleagues it can be much harder to switch off.
Yes, there's a lot to be said for building rewarding workplace relationships because this is what helps to engender a supportive and collaborative office environment, and it is not unusual to find yourself working very closely with one particular colleague – sometimes of the opposite sex.
A 'work spouse' (whether that's a 'work husband' or 'work wife') is a co-worker with whom you share a particularly strong, trusting - and, crucially, platonic - bond.
A 'work spouse' is a co-worker with whom you share a particularly strong, trusting - and, crucially, platonic - bond
Relationship counsellor Charlotte Fox Weber says it is important to voice any concerns you have about your husband's work liaisons
This relationship has plenty of advantages for those involved (a safe sounding board, someone to bounce ideas off, a sympathetic ear, a lunch companion) but it can be tricky for the real partner at home, particularly if they feel outside of a chummy loop, perhaps threatened by this close work-based alliance or a little paranoid that this strong connection could become sexual.
If you're concerned about your husband's work liaisons, it is important to acknowledge that there might be parts of any partner's working life you won't always understand, and it's healthy for both of you to have other relationships of significance.
But it is also useful to make yourself fully aware of what's going on, and to voice any concerns if you have them. Men can be surprisingly naïve about emotional closeness and strategic manipulation, and you need to make sure you are the most important 'other' in his life at all times. So it's good to be on your guard for signs that things might be getting out of hand - perhaps he's texting her from the sun lounger or making comparisons that are leaving you feeling a little insecure.
Here's how to recognise that your husband's 'work wife' may have ambitions to over-step the line - and how to handle the situation if she has...
SHE USES THE TERM 'WORK WIFE'
You might be fine with it, but many women are not and if the term 'work wife' bothers you, ask your husband - and his colleague - to stop using it. By using the more neutral term 'colleague' you will be sucking some heat out of their bond and helping to normalise the platonic nature of their relationship to the woman in question, your husband, yourself and others (such as your friends, family and children).
ARRANGE A FACE-TO-FACE
If a woman is spending considerable time with your husband at work, getting to know her might help to demystify her
It's always good to put a face to a name, and if this woman is spending considerable time with your husband getting to know her might help to demystify her. Besides, if she is a potential threat it can be useful to adopt a mindset of 'keep your friends close but your enemies closer'. Be aware of potential red flags if it becomes clear that he really doesn't want the two of you to meet - it could be a sign that they're becoming too close.
OUT OF OFFICE, OUT OF MIND
It's not healthy for your husband to be in regular contact with a colleague at random times of the day and night, or while on holiday – no matter how closely they work together. A clear and perfectly reasonable boundary would be for the two of them to limit their interaction to normal working hours. Work colleagues should respect an out-of-office message so, if your husband is texting her from his sun lounger, it may be a sign their relationship is no longer purely professional. For example, a small 'disaster' in her private life is not a work emergency, so it's not appropriate for him to leap in as rescuer.
If your husband is texting a colleague from his sun lounger, it may be a sign that their relationship is no longer purely professional
LOOK FOR SIGNS OF ASYMMETRY
You might be completely happy about him having a 'work wife'. You might even have a 'work husband' of your own. But your husband should be bending over backwards for you, not for her, and if their relationship makes you feel threatened or insecure that is not OK. Real wife trumps work wife in all things and at all times.
KEEP YOUR PRIVATE LIFE PRIVATE
The two of them shouldn't be discussing anything private or intimate about the two of you, and he needs to know he can't use his 'work wife' as a sounding board to vent about your relationship. If you ever argue, you need to be absolutely sure any personal details won't be spilled over the office water cooler the next day. If she knows anything about you that would make you feel uncomfortable, that's another red flag.
The two of them shouldn't be discussing anything private or intimate about the two of you over the water cooler
SUGGEST 'WORK DIVORCE'
One of the joys of work is there's no need to stay married to the company. So, if you're not entirely happy with his workplace relationships, if you suspect that this work marriage is the only thing about the job he truly enjoys, or if they speak in a secret work language about topics you couldn't possibly understand, then it might be time to suggest the pair of them cool their work marriage and start thinking about divorce.
Charlotte Fox Weber is a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. As told to Louise Atkinson.