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As Harry and Meghan's faux-royal tour of Colombia comes to an end, our man finds most locals are bewildered by why they're there - and even who they are: When you're dirt poor and live in fear of cartels, Sussex-like preoccupations are low-level concerns
Wherever Harry and Meghan go in Colombia the same complaint always seems to follow them.
You hear it in the narrow streets of La Candelaria in Bogota and within the ancient walled city of Cartagena 600 miles away on the country's Caribbean coast, where the couple touched down yesterday, the latest stop on their faux royal tour.
It is that while locals are only too aware the Sussexes are in town – the excess of armed police, sirens, blocked-off roads and traffic jams are perpetual reminders – it irks that they never see them in the flesh.
'It's very strange, they move like ghosts,' said Arturo, a waiter, sheltering from the Andean sun under a palm frond on Avenida Jimenez de Quesada on Thursday afternoon.
A few streets away the duke and duchess were shuffling their feet to a folk dancing display outside a theatre.
Wherever Harry and Meghan go in Colombia the same complaint always seems to follow them - ordinary mortals can barely catch a glimpse of them
While their elusiveness irritates some, others in Bogota and Cartagena remain determinedly incurious - being far more concerned with living below the poverty line
Not that ordinary mortals were able to glimpse them.
At each carefully selected venue, the duke and duchess arrive and depart unseen, invariably exiting at speed via an underground car park or hidden side street in a roaring phalanx of flashing Land Cruisers.
'Tell me what they look like if you catch them!' said Arturo. At least he'd heard of them.
While their elusiveness irritates some, others in Bogota and Cartagena remain determinedly incurious – 'they're nothing special' and 'who cares?' are common refrains.
Then there are those who live in what might be called blissful ignorance. 'I know about your [late] Queen but I'm not familiar with these guys,' said a street trader with a tight shake of his head.
Imagine that. Spared the entire Windsor feud. And, for that matter, spared Spare, Harry's petulant memoir.
The man was selling handmade bracelets near Cartagena's main square but one imagines such innocence is common in the countryside where most live below the poverty line in fear of drug cartels and guerilla fighters – and for whom Sussex-like preoccupations such as preserving 'information integrity' and 'wellness in the digital age' are low level concerns.
At least Colombia's vice president, Francia Marquez, is in step with the California-based couple's thinking.
Working with their Archewell Foundation, she has laid on a programme of Sussex-sanctioned events, each trailed by her office with ever more grandiose proclamations.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle on the third day of their visit to Columbia, attending a Caribbean drumming school
Meghan shakes hands while visiting a local music school in Columbia
Set on the beach the venue was ringed by armed police, blocked off roads and tight security
Typical was this: 'The visit of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex represents an alliance committed to change [and an] opportunity to understand the dimension of the social transformations necessary in Colombia... to continue building a country that respects diversity.'
Touched by the couple's story as recounted on their derided Netflix documentary, it was Ms Marquez who extended the invitation.
Perhaps she hoped, as some here suggest, the glamorous Sussexes, who arrived in Cartagena yesterday morning, would cast lustre her way.
Heaven knows she could do with a boost.
If she's not dodging assassins' bombs, Ms Marquez is facing down criticism of her reportedly lavish spending and much else besides.
So what, she argues, if she commutes by chopper? People are trying to kill her!
But what's the appeal for the Sussexes? Why crime-riddled Colombia? Especially when they've been unwilling to visit the UK because of security concerns.
Three months ago, they visited Nigeria, which also seemed an odd choice. At least that trip's programme of events was framed around the Invictus Games, Harry's initiative for wounded, sick and injured service personnel and veterans, which recruited that African nation to the fold last year.
In addition, as she repeatedly emphasised, Meghan was eager to explore her African heritage having discovered through a DNA test that she is 43 per cent Nigerian.
And being well known in the West African country because of the popularity of the TV legal drama, Suits, also helped.
Mention Suits to a Colombian, however, and you're liable to receive a shrug and a: 'Qué?'
Colombia's vice president, Francia Marquez, is in step with the California-based couple's thinking and has laid on a programme of Sussex-sanctioned events, each trailed by her office with ever more grandiose proclamations
Certainly it is easy to see how the VP's story would chime with Meghan, with whom she shares a strong sense of social justice. It's not clear, though, if Harry has hit it off with Ms Marquez's partner, Rafael Yerney Pinillos, 40, a former delivery driver, who has appeared vaguely ill-at-ease during the tour, like a reluctant guest at his other half's office party
A senior Opposition politician in Bogota told The Mail on Sunday: 'Perhaps the backdrop matters not. They [the Sussexes] seek cultural relevance and want to make an impact.
'They talk of being a global brand, so it doesn't really matter where they go in the world to highlight their causes.'
And one of Ms Marquez's predecessors, former Colombian vice president Francisco Santos said: 'I cannot understand for the life of me why they [Meghan and Harry] are here.
'Of all the great black politicians in South America they go to her – she's a laughing stock.
'Who else will she bring here on the basis of watching Netflix? She will wrongly assume it will improve her public image.
'But there is nothing in this trip for the duke and duchess.'
This is a tightly-controlled tour like no other. TV and newspapers are excluded from 80 per cent of events and are asked to rely instead on coverage from a Meghan-approved magazine, which described how she arrived in Colombia 'radiating warm California energy'.
Spanish-speaking Meghan, less so Harry perhaps, certainly seems to have warmed to Colombia.
A source in her office reports that the duchess and Ms Marquez, the Latin American country's first black, female VP 'have quickly formed a happy bond'.
Certainly it is easy to see how the VP's story would chime with Meghan, who, having just turned 43, is only a few months older than her new pal, with whom she shares a strong sense of social justice.
It's not clear, though, if Harry has hit it off with Ms Marquez's partner, Rafael Yerney Pinillos, 40, a former delivery driver, who has appeared vaguely ill-at-ease during the tour, like a reluctant guest at his other half's office party.
He was mocked on social media for trailing Ms Marquez on official visits to Africa.
Of the criticism, the VP says: 'It's not easy for me to have a partner. It's complicated because this country is very macho. To have a powerful woman is a threat.'
Growing up poor in a dangerous Colombian town, Ms Marquez, a former cleaner, clawed her way to the top, enduring racism along the way, and the sniping of Colombia's political elite, which mocked her perceived lack of social polish.
And today they continue to sneer, accusing the ardent socialist of hypocrisy for rolling out the red carpet for the Sussexes, the kind of privileged couple, say her opponents, who she would normally be first to criticise.
'The problem is not that the duke and duchess are visiting Colombia,' says prominent journalist Catarina Suarez.
'The issue is this constant hypocrisy, those who talk so much about hatred of the 'oligarchy' 'white people' 'rich people', who so criticised official visits of this type in previous governments today now doing the same.'
Photo opportunities on this non-royal tour are aplenty - the couple meet traditional dancers
The couple met dance students from the Centro Nacional de las Artes Delia Zapata
Meghan has share her thoughts at forums on AI and the dangers of the digital age
There have also been photo opportunities for the couple with youngsters in Bogota
Photo opportunities with children, lunches with dignitaries, forums on the dangers of the digital age, female empowerment discussions, not forgetting a dizzying number of wardrobe changes – all the familiar ingredients have featured thus far on this non-royal tour.
Earlier yesterday the couple visited a music school in Cartagena, dedicated to 'preserving cultural traditions through music education'.
But the day also promised something different – a trip to a place called a 'little corner of Africa'.
Founded by former slaves four centuries ago in the jungles of Colombia, the walled community of Palenque de San Basilio, a 90-minute drive from Cartagena, became the first free town in the Americas.
Finding himself in this region, there was a time when Harry, a military man to his core, might have relished the chance to explore Cartagena's martial history – in particular the largely forgotten story of Britain's contribution to Colombia's wars of independence in the early 19th century.
English, Irish, Scottish and Welsh soldiers supplied the winning blow to Spanish colonial rule.
But these days, he follows a different path.
Perhaps here more than anywhere else in Colombia, the Sussexes' passions dovetail with those of their staunchly anti-colonial host, Ms Marquez, who is leading calls for slavery reparations and trying to strengthen her country's ties to Africa.
Unofficially at least, the theme of day three of the Sussexes' tour was discrimination.
What better way to investigate colonialism and its legacies than a trip to the oldest African-American settlement in the New World?
Most of San Basilio's 3,500 inhabitants are direct descendants of slaves and have preserved many of their African customs, including their own language, Palenquero, strongly influenced by the Kikongo language of Congo and Angola.
The duke and duchess had time to admire this statue of San Basilio's founder, Benkos Bioho
Harry and Meghan also met a volleyball team at the Center for Veterans Rehabilitation in Bogota
Accompanied by Ms Marquez, the duke and duchess admired a statue of San Basilio's founder, Benkos Bioho.
After freeing himself from his Spanish rulers, Bioho, originally from modern-day Guinea Bissau, established the town, which has Unesco heritage status, as an 'enclave of liberation' for emancipated slaves.
Away from the Bogota sniping, Ms Marquez was on safe ground. She has pledged to support marginalised communities and San Basilio has been granted special status, meaning it will get its own mayor and state funding.
Andris Padilla, a musician and cultural leader in the town said: 'We love her [Ms Marquez] here in this community and we want to thank her for the job that she is doing, putting forgotten communities like ours under the international spotlight.'
Of Harry and Meghan he added: 'Perhaps they can bring some financial resources for the development of our community. '
If only Ms Marquez was similarly hailed in her home town. When campaigning two years ago, she had the entire support of Suárez, in the dangerous Cauca region in south-west Colombia.
Now her people have turned against her, claiming she has failed to deliver on promises to help them since achieving high office.
As Colombian newspaper Semana put it: 'The inhabitants of Suárez, Cauca, the land where she was born, are still waiting to stop being nobodies.
'The youth, who placed their hopes in the change proposed by President Gustavo Petro and his countrywoman choose between scraping coca or dynamiting gold mines that are slowly poisoning their lungs.'
Roads in the region are in desperate need of repair – and locals say the delay has cost lives.
Their anger found vivid expression last year when they attacked a giant mural of a proudly posing Ms Marquez. Using rollers the locals covered it with white paint.
In response to the criticisms, Ms Marquez blamed her own government for the failures.
Still, when Harry and Meghan are in town she can always be relied upon to adhere to Archewell's defining slogan, the preachy exhortation: 'Show up, do good.'
A Bogota lawyer told The Mail on Sunday: 'People are unhappy, particularly the poor people this government – and in particularly this vice president – promised to help.
'Instead the vice president is swanning around with Harry and Meghan, all of them wearing expensive clothes and all of them pretending that what they are doing has some sort of relevance to Colombia and the outside world.'