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New mom reveals horrifying reality of postpartum depression - from overjoyed with pregnancy to 'wanting to stab' the baby
A new mom suffering from postpartum depression was so 'emotionally numb' after giving birth she wished she were dead and wanted to 'stab her baby to death.'
The unnamed 30-year-old went to her local hospital four weeks after giving birth to her first child, a healthy baby boy.
The week before, she had called the facility and claimed her nipples were so painful and bloody she couldn't breastfeed her baby and was afraid it was preventing a mother-son bond.
By the next day, she told her husband: 'I can't go on like this. I can't do this anymore. I can't wake up feeling like this again.'
An unnamed mother in New England, 30, suffered severe postpartum depression and OCD, leading her to have intrusive thoughts like stabbing her baby
The patient was so overwhelmed and distressed she confessed to her doctors: 'The idea of being this baby's mother for the rest of my life is too much for me to handle.
'I don't want to do this now or for the rest of my life. I wish I were dead sometimes.'
The new mom, eventually diagnosed with postpartum depression and obsessive compulsive disorder, is just one of millions of mothers who struggle with dark and intrusive thoughts after giving birth.
The CDC reports about one in eight women experience post-partum depression, but experts predict many go untreated, leading some to commit desperate acts of self-harm or infanticide.
And the condition, which is on the rise in the US, could lead to long-term health issues in babies, including impaired cognitive development and obesity.
The woman in the case report, detailed in the New England Journal of Medicine, had a normal pregnancy, with no complications other than high blood pressure.
She had a history of minor anxiety.
Immediately after the birth, she was able to breastfeed and was engaged in the infant's care.
She was discharged after four days, but at home, the infant had trouble latching during breastfeeding and she called the hospital for advice on the issue.
She also told doctors she was having trouble sleeping and feeling anxious.
Providers told the new mom to begin bottle-feeding her son to ensure he was getting proper nutrition, and she was prescribed an antidepressant.
One week later, the patient called the hospital again, worried her issues breastfeeding - including painful, bleeding nipples - were preventing her from bonding with the baby.
She also had taken her blood pressure, which had rocketed above healthy range.
Doctors urged her to come to the hospital where she told them she was still having insomnia and anxiety, but she was now also experiencing a low appetite and headaches.
They instructed her to continue taking the antidepressant, along with two new medications: lorazepam for anxiety and nifedipine for high blood pressure.
The next day, the woman's mood deteriorated even further. She told her husband: 'I can't go on like this. I can't do this anymore. I can't wake up feeling like this again.'
He called the doctor's office and was told to bring his wife in immediately.
There, she revealed other struggles she was experiencing, including that she sometimes couldn't remember if she had fed the baby and that she felt 'lonely, isolated, distressed, and unable to engage in most child care duties.'
Former Victoria's Secret model Chrissy Teigen admitted to suffering postpartum depression after the birth of her first child, saying the months following childbirth were a 'sad existence'
Though she was 'ready and prepared' to have a child during pregnancy, once she returned home with her son, she felt 'hit by a ton of trains.'
She would wake up any time the infant made the slightest noise, and even when he slept, she was unable to get any rest because of how worried she was about him.
She repeatedly told doctors 'the baby is a good baby' and she didn't want to hurt him, but she had intrusive thoughts about stabbing the infant.
The woman hallucinated herself holding a knife and avoided the kitchen as much as possible since there were knives there.
Any time she was plagued with delusions, she would break down sobbing and trembling.
Lindsay Clancy, 32, (left) admitted to killing her daughter Cora, 5, and son Dawson, 3, at the family's home in Massachusetts and attacking baby Callan, who was eight months old. Mrs Clancy was suffering from postpartum depression
Though she spoke with other moms online and asked for reassurance she was not 'a bad mother,' she kept the thoughts to herself out of fear her son would be taken away.
Doctors diagnosed the woman with postpartum depression, which they called 'one of the most common complications of childbirth.'
Typical symptoms include mood swings, anxiety, crying, feeling overwhelmed, irritability, trouble concentrating and difficulty sleeping. Treatment usually involves a combination of therapy and antidepressants.
It affects between seven and 20 percent of mothers, experts say, and research suggests cases increased during the pandemic because of less available support and the stress from missed income and unemployment.
However, true prevalence is still being investigated because the stigma associated with the condition means many cases go unreported.
A 2006 University of Connecticut study estimated half of cases go undiagnosed.
In extreme cases, it can lead to postpartum psychosis, a mental health emergency that distorts a patient's sense of reality, causing hallucinations, delusions and paranoia.
There is no single cause of postpartum depression, but women with previous mental health disorders or a family history of the condition may be particularly susceptible.
However, it can affect women even without a history because of the intense fluctuations in hormones, lack of and interrupted sleep and trouble adjusting to a new lifestyle.
Mothers who suffer postpartum depression once are more susceptible to getting it again, though it's not guaranteed to occur with each pregnancy. Even with treatment, it can last for months or years after pregnancy.
The consequences of leaving it untreated can be disastrous - suicide is the leading cause of death in the postpartum period, according to studies.
And experts estimate about one in 200 women with postpartum depression could be at risk for killing their children.
Lindsay Clancy, 32, from Duxbury in Massachusetts, was suspected of having postpartum depression and psychosis after she admitted to strangling her three kids Cora, five, Dawson, three and Callan, eight months, to death before attempting to take her own life.
She is now paralyzed after throwing herself out a bedroom window and will go to trial next spring.
Former Victoria's Secret model Chrissy Teigen also admitted to suffering postpartum depression after the birth of her first child, saying the months following childbirth were a 'sad existence.'
Women who suffer from postpartum depression often experience sadness, hopelessness, emptiness and depression
The patient in the case study was also diagnosed with postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder (postpartum OCD), which can cause new mothers to be overwhelmingly concerned about accidentally harming their children.
Affecting up to one in 10 women, it can lead to paranoid obsessions about harm coming to the baby, including wondering if they will choke, stop breathing or if the mother will drop them.
The new mom was referred to a therapist and received care in a postpartum psychiatric clinic and she continued taking antidepressants.
She also underwent partial hospitalization psychiatric care, which included intensive daily individual and group therapy for moms with postpartum OCD.
Additionally, she underwent exposure therapy, a type of psychological treatment that gradually exposes people to their fears with the goal of having patients overcome them.
This included cooking with her baby in the kitchen to conquer her fears of knives and the thoughts about stabbing her infant.
At her most recent follow-up appointment, she reported bonding well with her baby and 'feeling more confident in motherhood.' She is now a stay-at-home mother.