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Maybe Beyoncé bailed on the DNC because she doesn't buy this cheap Hollywood rebrand from 'Kamala the bully': KENNEDY's savage takedown of Harris's night to forget
Where the heck was Beyoncé?!
We were promised a diva but had to settle for the poor woman's Taylor Swift (Pink).
In the run-up to the most important speech of Kamala Harris's life, rumor ran hot that Queen Bey would grace the Democratic National Convention with her presence.
After TMZ reported that Jay-Z's much-better half was indeed backstage at Chicago's United Center on Thursday night, I spotted more than one delegate decked out in glitterball 'Cowboy Carter' hats and matching silver chaps.
Alas, it turned out to be a big-head fake, the whole fiasco a metaphor for what America just witnessed.
Despite serving as a California Attorney General, a one-term senator and a vice president, few know the real Kamala Harris.
In the run-up to the most important speech of Kamala Harris's life, rumor ran hot that Queen Bey would grace the Democratic National Convention with her presence.
From porcelain-polished Eva Longoria to frenzied flustress Kerry Washington and even the Dixie Chicks (good job botching the Star Spangled Banner, gals!), Hollywood tried with all it's fading glamor to paper mache this empty vessel.
But in the end, it was Harris's night to forget. Here are my top takeaways:
1. KAMALA WHO?
Despite serving as a California Attorney General, a one-term senator and a vice president, few know the real Kamala Harris.
Sure, she tosses world salad and giggles like a circus clown – but this fembot doesn't come with an instruction manual. How is she wired?
She's never delivered a major address or distinguished herself on a national stage. (Don't dare mention the 'border czar'!)
She's also never won a single Democratic primary vote, dropping out of her party's 2020 race before the first contest in humiliation.
And now, more than a month into her White House sack-race, she's yet to sit for a media interview or hold a serious press conference.
The central thrust of her speech was autobiography – an inspiring if insipid tale of a pretty girl born to a strong-willed immigrant mother and a father who taught her to dream big (but who doesn't speak to her anymore, but don't mind that).
Then Kamala the Chameleon changed her colors yet again – this time, it was from pinko-lefty to good ole red, white and blue moderate.
We had chewy talk of crime crackdowns and tax cuts, immigration controls and a better economy.
I'd almost believe it if she hadn't been running the country for the past four years.
2. THE EVERYWOMAN ACT WON'T LAST
Open up ChatGPT and type, 'woman running for president', and it'll throw up a typical Kamala screed – a crowdsourced mash-up of everything to everyone.
She pledged Thursday to 'lower the cost of everyday needs. Like health care. Housing. And groceries… end America's housing shortage. And protect Social Security and Medicare.'
When's she done she says she'll have room for seconds and 'middle class tax cuts' on top.
But how exactly?
She's is like a co-ed running for sorority president: free boob jobs for all and a fridge full of High Noons. It works in principle until everyone gets pregnant.
From porcelain-polished Eva Longoria (left) to frenzied flustress Kerry Washington (right), Hollywood tried with all it's fading glamor to paper mache this empty vessel.
Come September 10, she'll face Trump on a debate stage – then, the sunshine and rainbows may hit a cold front.
3. BIDEN'S GHOST
Kamala tried her damnedest to toss a few shovelfuls of dirt on Biden's political grave — but I could still spot his hand reaching up from the freshly turned soil.
'To Joe Biden — Mr. President. When I think about the path we have traveled together, I am filled with gratitude. Your record is extraordinary, as history will show,' she trilled.
How awkward that Joe wasn't in the convention hall to hear the compliment. He'd been shipped off Monday night in Kamala-branded packaging — destination: glue factory.
Truth is, if Biden did such a bang-up job, then why does Kamala propose to fix everything?
It was his wildly irresponsible federal government spending that exacerbated the COVID-caused economic crisis and kicked off mass inflation.
And now we're learning that nearly 1 million of the jobs Biden's been boasting about 'creating' weren't actually real (the Bureau of Labor Statistics claims it got the numbers 'wrong' — whoopsie!)
Mark my words, Harris will soon be throwing what's left of old Sleepy under the presidential motorcade.
4. 'JOYFUL WARRIOR'? YEAH RIGHT!
Finally, Harris invited Americans to join her on a cackle cruise beyond the country's self-destructive culture wars to a happier place.
'Our nation with this election has a precious, fleeting opportunity to move past the bitterness, cynicism, and divisive battles of the past,' Harris said. 'A chance to chart a new way forward. Not as members of any one party or faction, but as Americans.'
Give me a break, Mother Teresa.
We won't easily forget Harris's 'raze the village' approach to the Senator confirmation hearings of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh in 2018.
Then, on the slenderest of reeds – the testimony of a woman, who claimed without any convincing corroborating evidence that Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her at a high school party decades prior – Harris launched a political crusade to destroy a man's life and reputation.
Why? Because he was a Republican president's nominee, silly.
But she's a 'joyful warrior', according to dodgy Doug Emhoff, Bill Clinton and Reverend Al Sharpton (quite the character witnesses).
This is a woman described by an ex-aide as a 'bully' and who faces serious accusations of having a 'soul-destroying' management style.
Joyful warrior? More like vicious tyrant.
In the end, Kamala was Ben Affleck to the crowd's JLo: in a sea of lonely optimists, a warm body stood on stage, a placeholder who's heavy on promise and light on substance.
You can dress up emptiness in a sharp pantsuit and flowery phrases, and it'll even sound pretty good for 35 minutes. But as the balloons fall, and the starting gun fires on 70 long days 'til November, I fear the Kandy rush will soon be followed by a Krash.